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After several cross country moves in my life, I've experienced the regret of moving, so know what you are going through. You will always feel where you live is not "home" but you will tend to romanticize where you came from in a way that is unrealistic. If it was so great, you would not have even considered the move in the first place. You need to give yourself time to adjust, and learn the area's benefits and deficits. You may end up liking it, but you may not. It takes time to make an accurate assessment. I would definitely not jeopardize my career by bailing on a new position months after taking it.
I moved cross country, back to my original state, not the same city/area I'm from and I absolutely do not like it. I changed way too much to be comfortable here. We thought it'd be an okay size, metro, and researched the area a lot, but when you live in a place maybe you understand more! Another move is looking our way. Life is all trial and error, better to change and move than to stay stuck is how I look at it!! Sometimes there is an adjustment period, sometimes it's absolutely not going to work.
Do you hate the new place? Or just miss the old place?
If you miss family and friends didn't you know that you would before you moved?
You're trying to do something, make a new home in a new place. And failing.
Is that a good thing? Or should you try to change your attitude about the new place.
I have a friend who was moved to a new place because of a family deal (he's out of work, wife's job). All he did was complain about the new place, it's not the old place, blah, blah, blah. He had a life challenge and failed. Big time. Mostly because of his attitude.
So, long story short, a few months ago I moved my family half way across the country for a job. This has turned out to be close to a nightmare, and although I keep trying to look at the positives I keep asking myself "What the heck have I done?" Truth is, my family is miserable: my spouse will not even move here now because he hates it; my children are miserable and one of them spends a majority of time crying no matter what I do.
We had lived in the other place all our lives and were very close to pretty much all of the family - and had a lifetime of friends - I had steady and secure work - we left everything for just a little bit more money. Additionally, it seems like issue after issue has popped up for us since we got here. Just all around not a pleasant experience. And it is all my fault!
The move sounded like a great opportunity at the time, but I would give anything to just take it all back - but of course I know that is not possible. It has nothing to do with where we are at - for the most part we all agree that there are plenty of good things about the new city - but it just isn't and never will be home - we need to get back to our family and friends.
The decision has been made - we will move back home - but now it is about the timing...I have about 5-6 months left or I will have to pay back the relo bonus, but with my family so torn up I am almost at the point of throwing in the towel without waiting. I can't go back to the job I left - my position has been filled now, so I also will have to find a job before we can move back. So it might take that long - or even longer to get back...
I am looking for suggestions, maybe stories from those of you that may have experienced this before and made it thru - when should I start looking for work with 5-6 months to go? What can I do to help my family in the meantime or should I just head them home and hope for the best? Any thoughts, suggestions, stories, etc. will be much appreciated.
Playing devil's advocate here. Why isn't your husband with you full time? Just because he doesn't like the place? Wow, a parent that puts his own selfish wants before his family? Maybe your kids are miserable because they miss their dad? Maybe you're not transitioning well because your family is split up? Just some thoughts.
I have gypsy blood, and LOVE to move to new places (in fact, my husband and I moved to Fort Worth 2 years ago and don't regret it for a minute), so I can't help you at all with the homesick thing. I left my family and friends to move 3000 miles away at 17, and have been moving on and off since then.
For me, I make my own "family". I love my blood relatives, but the family I create for myself in new places is just as important.
I can relate so much to this.
Husband and I are federal employees. When we want a promotion it usually means moving – husband is the main breadwinner -- His rule was – I can’t tell him about a job unless I have researched the area - can I find a job, what about housing and schools, church, etc… I found one for him to move us to CA where I was born and have some family (cousins and Aunt) – would put us closer to his aging mother – He moved in Feb 2011, we sold the house in TX and finished school and moved to CA in June. I looked for work beginning in December 2010 when we knew he got the job. No one in Southern CA was hiring. Husband is miserable in his job – I found a job in AZ - 6 hour commute from house in CA – moved here in April 2012 – Oldest daughter (still at home) – decided that she was interested in a Charter high school here and she joined me in August. Husband and younger daughter (7th grade) are still in CA. One of us does the long drive almost every other weekend. It stinks.
Husband is eligible to retire - but has some fires to put out before he can. He would rather transfer to an agency in AZ – that would help us with closing costs if we sold the CA house. We can’t afford to sell the house without the help. If he doesn’t get a transfer he will be retiring by May 2013 and will get a property agent to help us rent the house out. The end is in site for living apart – but in the mean-time my 15 year old daughter told me she wants to see a mental health doctor.
When they get here to AZ I just want to rent a house – When said daughter graduates – I want us to move back to TX. I spent 24 of my 48 years on this earth in Texas – I left my oldest daughter there with one of my grandchildren – and I want to be closer to them. My youngest also wants to move back and finish high school where we moved from.
Are you sure you've given it long enough to adjust? I hope you can figure out something that makes everyone happy. Don't be hard on yourself. You did what you thought was best at the time.
May I say, in a not so eloquent way, that you have realized the money wasn't worth it to uproot everyone and leave that with which you were comfortable.
Now, you are hesitating because of...money.
The answer is: Money should not be the deciding factor here if your family is going to be that miserable.
After several cross country moves in my life, I've experienced the regret of moving, so know what you are going through. You will always feel where you live is not "home" but you will tend to romanticize where you came from in a way that is unrealistic. If it was so great, you would not have even considered the move in the first place. You need to give yourself time to adjust, and learn the area's benefits and deficits. You may end up liking it, but you may not. It takes time to make an accurate assessment. I would definitely not jeopardize my career by bailing on a new position months after taking it.
Having moved cross country more than once, I totally agree with quote above. And, having returned to two places, it takes a very short time to realize why you left "home" in the first place. OP said it was for just a little more money but that really doesn't make any sense since it appears the family loved "home". Homesickness for sure. It goes away. Can you afford to just throw the job away and leave? Jobs can be hard to come by and you might find yourself quite miserable in the new job, missing the old job you had. The dynamics of your life won't be the same when you return. Good luck in whatever you decide. It takes a couple years to really know if a place is a match or not.
I feel your pain (relo'd across country 3 1/2 months ago). I keep trying to get my 15 yo son to "put himself out there" to get friends. It's tough for them as you mention becuase social media is a dual edge sword. It's great so they can keep in touch, but they also see what they are missing. I am letting him try new things and also will be taking a trip back at Christmas. I let him know how much I love him and take it day by day. I no longer have an option to move back - my house is sold and am in a new one here, my job is gone back there as it is now down here (I got the if you want your job - move, else it's gone). My daughter is back home finishing her degree so the family is split, but we know she would stay there to get her degree. It is tough just being my son and I, but I believe everything is a life lesson and helping them try to see the positive and how it will help them in the future. If they go away to college, they also need to learn how to make new friends. I am hoping he starts to turn the corner and I wish the best for you. Some kids just want/need/unwilling to change. (I won't comment on the hubby - that seemed wrong IMHO especially if he agreed). Relaize how strong you have been and keep hugging your child. It all will work out. Good Luck!
After several cross country moves in my life, I've experienced the regret of moving, so know what you are going through. You will always feel where you live is not "home" but you will tend to romanticize where you came from in a way that is unrealistic. If it was so great, you would not have even considered the move in the first place. You need to give yourself time to adjust, and learn the area's benefits and deficits. You may end up liking it, but you may not. It takes time to make an accurate assessment. I would definitely not jeopardize my career by bailing on a new position months after taking it.
Thanks for the input...and you are right for the assumptions on leaving...from what I have heard many people do kinda escape from their hometown...well, I only went for move because of the money at the new job. Well, mostly. The idea of experiencing a new place was exciting, and I have crazy student loans so when the opportunity came up it seemed like the answer to my prayers...I romanticized what the new place would be like...bigger house, warmer weather, southern food, better schools...oh, everything would be better in the new place! Lol. I actually loved my home town, and if anyone had asked me a year ago I would have said we would never move...I don't mind the cold - I was looking at is as a 5 years plan...but that plan backfired on me! Now we are missing babies grow, kids sports games, all the family stuff. I think that this move has really changed my priorities...I now realize that we need to be with our family and friends, not spending miserable years trying to make a home out of a place that will never be home. Thinking of this as a long long looong vacation seems to be helping my kids. My kids are older...a tween and a teen, and with the fact that my husband is not with us a lot, we are done with this place. It really is a question of bolting now and losing the money or hanging on for another 5 or so months...it has just been so hard seeing the impact my decision has had on the family.
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