Parents over - reaction to moving (relocate, address, move back, floor)

[dinah789]

I am so glad I found this forum. I feel a lot better already even though my latest drama is still in the early stages. I'm an only child and all my life my mother has been extremely controlling, overprotective, etc. I have never felt emotionally close to her, more fearful than anything really. I've also never really felt that she was proud of me even though I was always a good student and never caused her any major problems as I was growing up. I'm sure she was a bit proud, in her way, but all I would get is criticism and the idea that nothing impressed her, and so-and-so's daughter is doing this, why don't you think about doing that too, etc. I developed an eating disorder which I'm sure after years of therapy stemmed from my inability to feel I had any control over anything else in my life as I was growing up.

She and my dad (the silent, stay-out-of-it type) moved to Florida from the northeast where I grew up and was in college at the time, several years ago. So initially SHE moved away from ME if anyone is keeping score here. I don't really think that way, but I'm just saying...After I graduated college she made it clear that she expected me to come live in Florida too. Even though I never saw much evidence of her being close with her siblings or parents, her point of view was all of a sudden that family was more important than friends (she never had many friends and seemed to get mad at the ones she did have for petty reasons, resulting in even less friends), and she reasoned that everyone should want to live in Florida because it's "paradise." My apologies to anyone who lives in and loves Florida, but it's just not for me. I like big cities and seasons, etc., you get the idea. So after college I did live with them for exactly a year to "give it a try," and also because I had no immediate prospects, then promptly moved back to the northeast because I got a job offer and wanted to be on my own. For the first time I felt free and more like an adult, I realized I was able to take care of myself and it was a great feeling.

A few months after I moved and my mom saw that I was not failing miserably, she wrote me the nastiest letter I have ever received in my life, pretty much telling me I was a disappointment, and how could I do this to my family after all they'd done for me, she and my dad had sacrificed so much to help me through college and children are supposed to be near their families, etc., etc., etc. I was upset for months and am still upset when I think about it. I did then and do now have to keep reminding myself that it is not a bad thing to live my own life. I made sure I visited them twice a year or more, though I would do it out of guilt and not genuine desire. Once I was there I would feel resentful that I had spent the time and money because I was so miserable the whole time due to her needling about every little thing.

So fast forward to today. Sorry about all the details but I am just pretty fired up right now. I am 29, still living in the northeast, have my best job yet, know myself better than ever, and have even gone back to school for my master's in a field I've always dreamed about. I feel pretty good about my life in general and have accomplished enough to feel satisfied at this point in my life. Well, the big issue is that I just got engaged. I've never been before and I don't have any children. She would probably have a problem with this for whatever reason anyway, but the big deal is that it's to a French guy from Paris. And I am moving there to be with him. My life is absolutely a dream at this point, we are very in love, etc., etc., and I feel that I am old enough and have had enough past relationships to know when something is right. Well, I'm sure you can imagine my mother's reaction. How dare I even think about doing this, this is ridiculous, you can't just up and move to another country, you need to marry someone more like you. Then she mentions my father's health to me (he is 15 years older than her and has diabetic issues, etc.) But he always has, since I was in my early teens. So, what, I'm supposed to hang around in case he dies? I know he wouldn't want her using his situation as leverage in this and am sure he doesn't know that she is. I told her I'd be able to come back for visits as usual, that's what planes are for, and that in fact if she really needed a lot of help with something I'd be able to stay for longer than usual due to me not working initially when I go over there. She acts like I'm a selfish child who hasn't thought anything out, and is in effect threatening to stop speaking to me if I go through with it. People in my family do that; my uncle and my grandparents (her parents) have not spoken in over 2 decades.

So, I have most of my friends' support in this, am not really close to any other family members that I would discuss this with, and am supposed to call my mom back in a week (her idea) to let her know if I am still going to "go through with this." When I tell her that I am and have no intention of changing my mind, all hell is going to break loose. If the past is any indication, she will flip out on me, write me an awful letter (which I know better than to open this time), and even call my friends to see if they can help her "talk some sense into me."

So, I am an adult here, she is obviously unhappy with her own life, maybe jealous even? Am I right on here? It's okay for me to live my own life, and I'm allowed to be happy and excited that I've finally found my true love and get to move to a beautiful place, right? If she decides to stop talking to me that is her problem, right? I need reassurance so much here because she has done such a number on me over the years. How do I cope with this without driving myself and my fiance crazy over it? When is it time to break ties? Am I selfish? I alternate between anger that she is so much in my head that I can't enjoy my engagement, fear of what she's going to say next, and guilt over possibly being utterly self-centered like she says I am. Help??!!!

[Rhaven]

I'm 28 and as an adult I suggest you do what you want to do and nothing else. Yes, she is unhappy with her life. yes, she is trying to force you to live the life she wants for herself not for you. No, you are not in the wrong, and you need to remember that just because we've become grown ups, that doesnt mean that all of us have "grown up".

I'll be honest and blunt: if you do not do what your heart tells you to do, and pass up such a wonderful opportunity, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You've done all you can to try and make your mother happy. Now it's time to think about yourself for a change.

I really hope you go to Paris with the love of your life. Here's to hoping for a wonderful happy life, and an eye opening experience that many sadly pass on.

[Alexia319]

I think you have to just accept that you've done something that made your mother unhappy. She doesn't seem like the type of person who keeps her feelings hidden, so she probably let you know before you moved that she didn't want you to do so. You weighed your options and decided that moving was more important to you than the unhappiness that she would feel. I'm not suggesting this was necessarily wrong of you - it just appears that this is the way things are. Now that she's acting in a predictable way, you're looking for a means to make her stop. The simple fact is that you did what you wanted to do, and now she is doing what SHE wants to do. This isn't a problem that can be resolved, because you both are who you are. You can't force your mother to feel differently about the situation than she feels, and she's not likely to find any sudden advantages in your living elsewhere that will cause her to change her mind. Make the best of whatever good things are in your relationship and leave it at that.

[dougnaie]

..but what matters most is that you give YOURSELF permission. I have a similar, although not quite as dramatic, situation, and I have to tell myself every day that it is ok to live my life..and I am 43! Learn the lesson now, and you will be way ahead of me, with many more years to freely enjoy the life that you were meant to. After all, what is the alternative? Go to Florida, and be your mom's whipping boy/girl? Isn't the idea of a croissant and a latte with the love of your life a more life embracing thought? Which one makes you smile when you think about doing it? I am sure we all know the answer.

Going to FL is not going to make your mother happy - NOTHING is! You need to give up that pipe dream. You are never going to have the "only in the movies" relationship that we all hope for, and that's ok. That's reality. Hanging out in "paradise" with your mom and diabetic dad are not the formula for success. I think you need to stop discussing it with her altogether, since it does no good anyway. I would aprise her via letter, since that is a method of communication that she feels comfortable with, of your plans, and then I would let it go. It will be a hard thing to do, but you need - MUST - set yourself free. Life is not a dress rehersal, which is cliche but true. This is your shot...seize it.

[Sundance]

She acts like I'm a selfish child who hasn't thought anything out, and is in effect threatening to stop speaking to me if I go through with it.

That alone should give you the motivation......

So, I have most of my friends' support in this, am not really close to any other family members that I would discuss this with, and am supposed to call my mom back in a week (her idea) to let her know if I am still going to "go through with this."

You are getting married, correct? Your new husband is your family now! Someone who truly loves you will be by your side, as you go off together on this wonderful journey!!!! Congratulations!!!
Since Mommie Dearest enjoys letters, I would pack my duds, and just mail her a letter before I leave, telling her that I am going to Paris with my man.

I would NOT call her!!!

Do NOT give her the opportunity to hurt you further, and ruin such a happy occasion in your life. Please, do not call her before you leave. Drop a letter in the mail. Give her a few months and maybe she will have cooled off by then (should you want to stay in touch).
But is she explodes then, you will already be married - do not give her a chance to ruin your happiness as you leave for France. JMO

[UK-Trinity]

This thread is a huge reminder to all of us to live our own lives and not try to live life through our kids.

I would hate to be the kind of mother who stopped my kids from living. My job is to help, love and support my kids to grow into loving, supportive, independant adults.

I would rather that my kids were happy and doing well in Timbuktu than miserable and next door.

[dinah789]

Thank you everyone for your prompt and extremely thoughtful advice. I feel stronger all the time now knowing that I am not alone in the sort of negative relationship I have with my mom. It's sad but it's just the way it is. She will not change so I need to find ways of coping with it within myself. I fully agree that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and have no intention of letting it pass me by. I also agree that my fiance IS my family now; he wants the best for me with no selfish motivation like my mother harbors. I will keep you all updated on the progression of my move over to him if anyone's interested. It will take quite a few months for us to pull everything together so it may be interesting to see what she might try to do in the meantime to throw a wrench in things. I will not help her out by giving her too much information or letting her speak negatively to me about him or the situation.

At the risk of boring you guys to death, does anyone have any suggestions about this one last thing? I know this might seem like small potatoes, but it still concerns me...My car is paid off but my dad and I are co-owners on the title. I plan on donating my car when I move; I don't care about getting money for it, I just want to be rid of it, although the tax deduction would come in handy next year. I have a hunch that when I send the title to my dad to sign so that when the time comes I can easily donate it, my mom will tell him not to just to further complicate my life and my move. Although it would be in his best interest to sign and send it back for all sorts of reasons, I can seriously see her holding onto it, maybe not even letting him know I sent it, just out of spite. What do you guys think?

Thank you again everyone for being so supportive and awesome.

[sskkc]

Wow, your mom sounds a LOT like mine - and the pettiness, cutting people off... are you sure we're not related? Everyone related to me through my grandmother is like that... and Nana (her mother) had 12 siblings...hmmm

As to the car, ask him to sign it first. If they/he refuses to sign it and/or send it back... well, you were planning on donating the car anyway. Park it in long term airport parking and send him a letter telling him where he can pick it up on your way to France. This is not feeding into the pettiness... this is just a smart move. You cannot and are not responsible for the actions of others... leaving the car at the airport will make it easy for him to pick up when he flies in to get it.

I'm 36 and this stuff still hurts. My husband recently said something so wise, it touched me deeply... "Your mom's a bit**"

No seriously he told me, "Being hated by evil ISN'T a bad thing."

[brokensky]

You have done nothing wrong here. Your mother wants to control your life, and she is waaaaaay past that point. Indeed, it is unhealthy for her to insist on having that type of control and unrealistic on her part to even want to have that much control over an adult child.

You obviously want your mother to be proud of you, but long ago you learned to appease her in order to try to deal w/ her bullying - and yes - this is bullying behavior!

For example, when she insisted you call her and tell her your plans in a week, you agreed to that. Why? You did it b/c you were trying to appease and to get out of the drama of the moment. You need to start setting boundaries.

The world will not end when you say, "No, Mom, I will do things on my own time schedule, not yours - this is my life, not yours. I am sorry you cannot understand that, but I am an adult and I have to live my own life. I would prefer we had a pleasant relationship but that takes two. Love you. Talk later." Hang up.

There will be drama, but you enjoy your engagement and enjoy the extraordinary experience of moving to another country . . . you are extremely fortunate to have found a wonderful man to marry . . . and how exciting to be moving to Paris!!!

As adults, one of the hardest things to deal with is a parent who does not show us approval, withholds approval or undermines us. We all want our parents' love and support. Sadly, that is not always possible b/c our parents are just people and they have issues just like everyone else.

Claim your right to have your own life and create your own family - and joy!

[b75]

I have to think a part of it is our parents still see us as little kids. Heck I'm in my mid 30s & when I go home for the holidays I leave feeling like I'm all of 12 again. If I have to justify in full detail my thought process about anything from the shoes I buy to the paper towels I use - yikes....Heck my mother still has parental controls on the TV (I've known the code forever which she found once & got really upset @@)

Maybe it is moms in the NE that this is common too?