Parents over - reaction to moving (move, better, friends, family)

[ampetry]

My fiance and I have been talking seriously about moving for two years now. Actually, we almost moved a year and a half ago but it didn't work out. As far as dads go, my fiance's dad wants us to move, and my dad has his concerns but is overall supportive.

NOW, for the mothers! My mother has never been supportive of any of my decisions, but when it comes to us moving she's even worse. Example; When we were first going to move she said that it will never work out and that we'll move back within the first year because we'll miss our families too much (keep in mind that my family is at least half the reason I want to move). Then, when the move fell through, she told me that I was making a huge mistake because she thinks I would have better opportunities some where else. Now that we're close to moving again (and this time it will happen) she's back to saying that we'll miss "home" too much and that we won't last very long. Like I said, she never supports my decisions, so I have learned to just ignore her.

As for my fiances mother, she drives my crazy. Like I said, we have been talking about moving for two years and almost moved once before. We have been telling her this for the last two years, and yet, every time we mention it to her she says "Oh, you guys are thinking about moving? Why haven't you told me about this before? How long have you thought about moving away?" I just want to scream at her "We have been telling you about this for TWO YEARS, stop pretending like you didn't know!" Then she gives me the silent treatment, and acts like I'm taking her son away.

But, at the end of the day I realize it's just parents being parents, and it's all out of love and concern (or at least most of it is!)

[Bette]

Reading this form has helped me. My daughter moved away to NYC, no job, no car, no place to live, nada. I just wanted her to save some money before doing that and now, I'm used to her living elsewhere. I do miss her very much and I hope and pray sometime in our short lifetimes, we will live close enough to see each other without a plane ride.

[aragx6]

Sometimes your kids have to do stuff you don't think makes sense (I know I puzzle my mother on occasion)

I hope all is working out for her now. Did she find a place to live and a job?

[mom2three]

This is a great discussion. I to am dealing with some of the "hostility" from my mother. It is incredibly difficult . My mother and I have always had a very good relationship. She has never really been controlling over me. Although, there has never really been an "issue" at hand. My family and I (hubby & 3 children) are planning to move from NY to TN in the next 6 months. It is going to be be a better life for us. Here in NY it is just getting to expensive and there is not enough "family time" for us. Everything is rush rush... money money. My husband will be getting on the police department in TN and we are having a house built in a beautiful kid friendly development. We are thrilled!! That said, my mother is not so happy! She just keeps saying " I can't believe you are going to take my grandkids away from me"!. My kids are her only grankids, and they are very close. So although I do understand it is a hard thing to deal with, I was hoping for a little more reassurance and support! It is not an easy move for me either. It is very scary, but something I am really excited about. I do not talk to her about it at all. She does not ask about it or seem like she wants to hear about it! It is such an exciting time in my life, and yet I can not share it with her
We thought about making this move last year and then decided against it (because of family, mostly my mom). But at this point we kinda should "get out while we still can"! Another thing is my older brother and his wife are moving with us. So my mom also says, she can't believe her children are just leaving her! Anytime she does say anything about it (which is not often), it is very selfish remarks. She is in a position (financially) where she could come and visit very often, she will be retiring in 20 months and then can visit and stay as long as she would like. She will not move there, because my stepdad has a business here and they have the mindset where "NY is the end all be all"
It's just so sad, I do feel bad for leaving, but on the other hand I have 3 children I need to think about....
Sorry this was sooooo long, I just needed to vent... thanks for reading (listening)

[Mass Exodus]

We have been contemplating a move from MA to NC for 3 years now...but several times decided to stay, for a while at least, because of my mom's completely over-the-top reaction. Unlike some in this thread, I have been very close to my mom...but since I had kids of my own, she has become more controlling and somewhat condescending, at times, towards me and my husband. I write that, but then I step back and realize that she is also a very loving, wonderful mom...but she is a child still, in many ways, and she can't stand the thought of things not being as she wants them.

Her comments about moving....first, when I told her we might move to NH (1 hour away) 4 years ago, she said, "Oh my God, I think I'm going to die," and started physically bowling over and hyperventilating. ONE HOUR AWAY, mind you. Then, the next time we said we needed to move, for a bett er future for our family, she said to my husband, " You are the most selfish person I have ever met! How can you take my daughter and my grandkids away from me!" Then she eventually apologized, but months later (after we decided to stay, because of her, again), said to me, "when you were thinking about moving....that was so stupid."

Now, we are resolved...moving is still the best thing for us, and we have decided to take the plunge. We will miss family (they're ALL here) immensely, but we need to do what is best for our family. No one else has to live our life day to day and we know what is best for us. We are putting our house on the market in the next few weeks and telling them in the next couple weeks, and I am sure of myself now and of our decision yet I feel like a child when I think of telling them especially her. My mother will never get over this. She will bawl like a baby every time she talks to me and she will give me guilt trips FOREVER, just like her mother still does to her for moving an hour away when she married my father 38 years ago. I fear that future, but not as much as I look forward to the brighter future I have ahead with my family.

This thread has been great for me to read -- I am obviously far from alone. I feel for all of you and hope things work out for you all. The tough thing about all this is that I love my mom and want to make her happy, but I have finally realized that I can't make anyone else happy. The only person that can do that is my mom herself.

Marina

[mrstewart]

We moved 11.3 miles from my inlaws and they had a fit! We moved because of them and they still couldn't get it.

Unfortunately we see them more now than we did when we lived in the same neighborhood.

[michelleleigh]

Originally Posted by Mass Exodus

We have been contemplating a move from MA to NC for 3 years now...but several times decided to stay, for a while at least, because of my mom's completely over-the-top reaction. Unlike some in this thread, I have been very close to my mom...but since I had kids of my own, she has become more controlling and somewhat condescending, at times, towards me and my husband. I write that, but then I step back and realize that she is also a very loving, wonderful mom...but she is a child still, in many ways, and she can't stand the thought of things not being as she wants them.

Her comments about moving....first, when I told her we might move to NH (1 hour away) 4 years ago, she said, "Oh my God, I think I'm going to die," and started physically bowling over and hyperventilating. ONE HOUR AWAY, mind you. Then, the next time we said we needed to move, for a bett er future for our family, she said to my husband, " You are the most selfish person I have ever met! How can you take my daughter and my grandkids away from me!" Then she eventually apologized, but months later (after we decided to stay, because of her, again), said to me, "when you were thinking about moving....that was so stupid."

Now, we are resolved...moving is still the best thing for us, and we have decided to take the plunge. We will miss family (they're ALL here) immensely, but we need to do what is best for our family. No one else has to live our life day to day and we know what is best for us. We are putting our house on the market in the next few weeks and telling them in the next couple weeks, and I am sure of myself now and of our decision yet I feel like a child when I think of telling them especially her. My mother will never get over this. She will bawl like a baby every time she talks to me and she will give me guilt trips FOREVER, just like her mother still does to her for moving an hour away when she married my father 38 years ago. I fear that future, but not as much as I look forward to the brighter future I have ahead with my family.

This thread has been great for me to read -- I am obviously far from alone. I feel for all of you and hope things work out for you all. The tough thing about all this is that I love my mom and want to make her happy, but I have finally realized that I can't make anyone else happy. The only person that can do that is my mom herself.

Marina

Oh my our Mothers could be sissters, I love my mom so much and I feel bad that we moved first to ny (from NM) then to Utah much closer now, however DH's job might move us again this time farther away from Nm but not as far as NY. When I told her this she stated saying how my husband wants to take us away from her (our son and I). Of course I felt bad, then in the background I herd my wonderful Dad pipe up and say "if he wanted to get away from you he would have stayed in NY or take an overseas postion) Prayers and blessings to you and all of your family, yes the guilt trips are hard but like my Dad said its best for your family and we will visit>

[Sweetbeet]

Ha, this is a funny one. My mom had no problem with me moving away when I was 18 (first for college, then for good after college). A few years later my dad died, and mom relocated to Ithaca, where my sister and I both were. We've all been here for many years.

Mom is now 80, we're in our 40s - 50s and we're moving to Hawaii. Sis and I, and both our families, are relocating. So, we're taking mom with us. We gave her a choice - stay in Ithaca, NY all by herself (she lives alone and has some health issues, but is still independent), or pack up and leave everything behind, and come with us. So she's coming to Hawaii with us.

Not her first choice, but I wasn't going to be stuck here, where I hate, just "waiting for her to die". I've got my life to live so I'm going... so it was up to her, stay alone or come along. As it turned out, when we last visited, we took her, and she does like the climate. She's torn, but coming around to the idea of moving.

She's being forced to downsize from a 3 BR house to a 1 BR studio attached to our house (which she'll actually love because she wants me at her house everyday anyway... she lives 1.4 miles away now). To sell a lot of her things, and relocate to an entirely new culture and way of life.
She's not exactly kicking and screaming... but... am I a horrible person to do this to my mom?

[Boomerang]

Originally Posted by Sweetbeet

Mom is now 80, we're in our 40s - 50s and we're moving to Hawaii. Sis and I, and both our families, are relocating. So, we're taking mom with us.
Not her first choice, but I wasn't going to be stuck here, where I hate, just "waiting for her to die". I've got my life to live so I'm going... so it was up to her, stay alone or come along. As it turned out, when we last visited, we took her, and she does like the climate. She's torn, but coming around to the idea of moving. She's not exactly kicking and screaming... but... am I a horrible person to do this to my mom?

I think you're wonderful to take your mom. Moving is stressful for anybody, young or old. Of course your mom will feel torn. Anybody would. But also, it's very cool for her to be able to say to friends and relatives, "My daughters are moving to Hawaii, and they're taking me with them". She may discover that this is the best thing that ever happened to her!

I can understand aged or unwell parents being distressed by the thought of their family (support system) moving away. But IMO, moving away from parents who are healthy and otherwise able to visit you or move near you, is not selfish. Such parents who throw fits about you moving are selfish.

[dinah789]

So here's an update on my moving-to-Paris situation.
I had told my mom through a long, non-attacking letter my reasons for what I was doing, that I was in love and was sure this is the best thing for me, etc. I heard nothing from her, letter, call, or otherwise. Several weeks passed, and I sent my parents an Easter card, a shorter note which was basically an update on the situation. I remained upbeat and simply told them that I'd be sending my car title soon for my dad to sign, etc. Still I heard nothing. At the same time I also sent my favorite aunt, who is my mother's youngest sister, an easter card, and told her that I was engaged in case she hadn't already heard and included a couple of photos of my fiance and myself. I heard nothing from her, either, and was really beginning to feel more disgusted than ever at my childish family.
A couple weeks passed and then it was my dad's birthday. I had already sent him a gift certificate and a birthday card, and was not planning on calling also, but it was bothering me all day since normally I'd call, and he was not the one I've ever had a problem with. So without really knowing I was doing it until I did, and with much trepidation, I called and he answered after many rings. He sounded awful and told me he'd been in the hospital for 16 DAYS. He has to go for dialysis now 3 days a week, etc, but is glad to be out of the hospital. I heard some voices in the background and asked who was there, and he said that my mom's 2 sisters, including the one I'd written the letter to, had been there for awhile helping her. I was glad she was getting some help since she's apparently refusing to let me know anything, but at the same time couldn't help but think this was strange since the sisters very rarely have been in the same place at the same time for as long as I can remember (my parents are in Florida, the youngest is in SC, and the other is in AZ). I tried to be pleasant and spoke with my dad for a bit, I said to him "you know, I know she's mad at me but you could still call sometimes, I'm still here..." to which he just responded, "yeah..." I told him I loved him at the end of the conversation, and he responded with the same, which is something he's always had trouble saying, so right there I felt like I had his blessing for my marriage. We hadn't spoken of it directly, but he was nice to me and when he said that I felt some of the weight lift off me.
So the next night I called back because all day I was thinking how awful it was that nobody had called me to tell me the whole time he was in the hospital. The favorite aunt answered, and was quite taken aback when I suggested that maybe she could've called me since my mother was too stubborn to do so. She said something like, "well she doesn't want you speaking to her just because you feel sorry for her." what??!! What does that even mean? So I responded "this is not about her, this is about somebody telling me what's going on with my father. she always thinks everything's about her!" and my aunt said that my mom and I needed to come to some sort of compromise. I didn't know what to say about that. I apologized for putting my aunt in the middle of this as I could tell she was very uncomfortable, and she told me she'd call me when she went back home this past saturday. I haven't heard from her yet. during the course of the conversation, we were both crying, it was very messy and emotional, etc., then unexpectedly my dad picked up another line and spoke with me for awhile about this and that. he told me he was feeling a lot better and that he was getting stronger. it was a bit contrived i feel since i had just spoken to him the day before and he had sounded like hell.
i just don't know what to do now, i don't know if i should keep calling to see how he's progressing, or call and demand to speak to my mother, or what. her not calling me about my father is the retaliation i'd feared i suppose. the more things happen, the more i feel that she is hateful and selfish and the more i think that now that i feel that i have his approval, i should just move on and send the occasional note with photos, or maybe not even do that. this continues to tear me apart, even if i feel that i am being careful at every step to do the right thing.