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I am very grateful for the time we do have together, and yes, as far as I'm concerned, he is an angel here on earth. He is very good to his family. I have never said anything about my resentment and I never will. He made the choice, and as long as he can do it health-wise, I will support him.
And after all is said and done, you know if anything happened to you he'd be there for you 100%. Well I hope your father-in-law has friends or church or can get meals on wheels or something. Just having someone stop by to relieve the monotony would be wonderful.
My mom went thru a year of chemo and radiation. My dad took care of her and it wore him out physically and mentally. It is super tough - That's why I mentioned I hope your father-in-law and your husband have some outside help. If he has life insurance or a policy that helps with home care - Something to look into.
Convextech, I have mixed feelings about your situation. I do think your husband is going above and beyond the call of duty and this shows how loyal he is, which is great. But he would be just as loyal if your inlaws lived closer, AND he'd be able to spend more time with you. I don't know - I don't like rewarding selfishness in others and frankly, your inlaws sound extremely selfish.
This resonates with me because my inlaws lived out in the middle of nowhere and refused to move and they both got very sick the last several years of their lives. My husband has a brother, who is a very nice guy, but he lives 3 hours from the inlaws (and has for decades) and he and his wife were trying to be there for HER elderly mom, so the care of my inlaws landed squarely on us. And I say "us" because my husband works out of state two weeks out of each month and when he was gone, the care of his parents fell on me. They lived an hour away and I was making that drive about twice a week for two years, with or without my husband.
And it ratcheted up the last year of both their lives. All I seemed to do was drive back and forth, sit in doctor's offices, etc.
Besides the fact that this was draining time wise, it was very emotionally draining for my husband and me. Not only were his parents dying, but mixed in with the sorrow was our frustration with them and their series of very poor decisions.
See, they knew they should have moved. They had even talked about moving closer to us for several years earlier in the game, but they would never get off high center and just do it. So we ended up being forced to care for them from an hour away. And at one point, they were in two different regional hospitals at the same time - both of them there for at least a month simultaneously - and we had to make this huge circle several times a week that literally took all day long. If they'd lived in our city, they would have been in the same hospital and fifteen minutes away. It was very frustrating and sad.
This level of care from us went on for about three years. Oh, and meanwhile, my elderly parents were becoming more needy and sicker too - so toward the end of that three years we had to throw in time with them too, and they lived five hours away.
Thankfully my parents saw the strain on us, and they did move to our city, bought a house, etc. Which was a great thing because two weeks after we buried my MIL and four months after we buried my FIL, my dad had a pulmonary embolism and then my mom broke her hip and within that year my dad died and my mom had to move to a senior apartment because she can't drive.
So yeah - hot mess. But Scenario 2 with my parents ended up being a lot easier than Scenario 1 with my husband's parents.
Though my situation is slightly different, I've been in the same dilemma and decided to do what was best for me, not my mother. I had enough of living in northern NJ for several reasons and both my husband and I can be remote for our jobs. During a trip to Colorado last year I spent the entire time asking myself why the heck I live in NJ when I don't have to for work. A few days after returning from that trip, I had a day where the things that bothered me about NJ really bubbled over and I declared to my husband that we were moving out west - he already did Colorado after college so he said he'd be up for Vegas and I agreed. I'm an avid rock climber and Red Rocks just outside of Vegas is a mecca for climbing.
I waited a month to tell my mom of our plan and she went into an absolute rage and we barely spoke for a month. My mom is in her mid-70's, in reasonably good health and widowed - my brother lives within a day trip visit. She does have many friends, most of whom are also widowed. My move definitely put a rift in our relationship, but almost one year into living in Vegas I have zero regrets and it was totally worth it. My mom could be alive for another 20 years - am I supposed to toil around in NJ for another 20 years rather than doing what is best for me? I love the easy access to the outdoor recreation, the constant sunshine and I had an easy time meeting like-minded friends through the climbing community. Those things weren't as easy to come by in NJ - not by a long shot. We keep a summer home on the Jersey Shore and I've seen plenty of my mom this summer since we've been back.
Where our situations differ is I don't have kids and likely won't have any. Kids, especially since they have a good relationship with your parents who help out a lot definitely add another element to the scenario. That's a tough one. I'm fortunate in that I travel back east a lot for work, so I made it back for several major events this past year, but it's STILL not enough for my mom (don't get me started). I've probably spent more time with her since I've moved than when we were living in the same state. She refuses to come visit Vegas out of sheer stubbornness. Oh well, her loss.
All parents are different and situations are different. In my case, it didn't go over well, but I'm very glad I did it. Sometimes we just need a change in life and change can be good. Would your parents be open to travelling to Colorado? Do they like what the area has to offer, or is Rochester their idea of paradise with no desire to leave?
Last edited by Cubicle Dweller; 08-23-2017 at 08:41 AM..
And after all is said and done, you know if anything happened to you he'd be there for you 100%. Well I hope your father-in-law has friends or church or can get meals on wheels or something. Just having someone stop by to relieve the monotony would be wonderful.
My mom went thru a year of chemo and radiation. My dad took care of her and it wore him out physically and mentally. It is super tough - That's why I mentioned I hope your father-in-law and your husband have some outside help. If he has life insurance or a policy that helps with home care - Something to look into.
His dad has killer (bad word to use?) insurance, as he is a retired ATF agent. But he does not want strangers in his home.
This same thing happened when my mother-in-law was dying; she refused outside help. The last time she was in the hospital, we offered to take them in, and they refused. Her doctor overheard this and he finally told her that there was nothing more they could do for her than to make her comfortable, and that she needed to get hospice involved. She went bonkers at first, but when they told her she had to be discharged, she got scared and agreed to some home help. But they are so far out, that no hospice would come out there. So she finally agreed to move in with us, and she died in my husband's bedroom, surrounded by all of her close family and friends. His dad had his own bedroom and we hoped he would just stay there, but right after she died, everyone left, he packed his things, and my husband took him home. I was left dealing with the rest. Not that I minded; I know what my husband has had to deal with, and I try very hard to fill in the blanks.
It seems now that my FIL is going down the same road. And, there are no meal deliveries out that far. There are a few relatives on neighboring farms that drop by, and he does have a good friend that stays with him when either brother can't be there, but the friend is in his 90s and has issues too.
I guess the biggest reason I am really getting angry about it is because I've had some health issues of my own, and next week I have to have a complete abdominal hysterectomy, and my husband can't be here with me. My kids will be there, and I have several people who have cooked for me that I have loaded up my freezer with, and I'm a tough cookie myself, but I've never had surgery before and everyone is telling me it's going to kick my ass. So I'm a little scared.
Convextech, I have mixed feelings about your situation. I do think your husband is going above and beyond the call of duty and this shows how loyal he is, which is great. But he would be just as loyal if your inlaws lived closer, AND he'd be able to spend more time with you. I don't know - I don't like rewarding selfishness in others and frankly, your inlaws sound extremely selfish.
Yes Kathryn, I have followed your story for a long time and I can't imagine what you and other caregivers like Germaine go through. That's why I don't really talk about it because we've got it so much easier than others.
Question to the OP - where would you consider moving if you were to stay on the east coast? I'm loving the west and there's no substitute on the east coast when it comes to outdoor recreation access and weather, but I can completely relate on the guilt factor per my previous post. Are there direct flights from Denver to Rochester? And if so, are you in a financial situation that will allow you and the kids to fly back frequently? If you were to move to say New Hampshire the travel time back to Rochester wouldn't be that much shorter than a direct flight. Staying on the east coast may sound more palatable to your folks, but if you have the budget to hop an a plane on short notice then there really isn't much of a difference time-wise between a long drive or a flight.
Re-reading your OP, it sounds like you'll get a lot of the same aggressive guilt that I received and not gonna lie - it really sucks and there's nothing I can do about it. I hope you do what is best for you and your family - if you decide to make the move, especially out to Colorado then my advice is hope for the best when you break the news BUT PREPARE FOR THE WORST! Brace yourself - there could be tears and shouting and it could get ugly, but in the end there's a good chance it will be worth it.
OP, if you have really bad health problems with S.A.D. your mother should be more understanding about how difficult it would be for you to function in that locale. I would play up that aspect and not talk as much about the "Rochester doesn't offer the the activities I like" part of it.
I am wondering what it is with my generation (age around 50-60.) My parents didn't consider THEIR parents' situations at all when they decided where to live. Hell, Mom came from another continent to be here in the USA, and Dad readily accepted a relocation offer that put him 1000 miles away from his elderly parents.
However, my dad would probably go ballistic if my husband and I moved away. Even though he did it to his folks.
OP, if you have really bad health problems with S.A.D. your mother should be more understanding about how difficult it would be for you to function in that locale. I would play up that aspect and not talk as much about the "Rochester doesn't offer the the activities I like" part of it.
Totally agree - that is the better angle to take if / when the sit-down with the folks takes place. I tried to play up that my employer needed someone in the western territory - totally fell on deaf ears, though.
I am wondering what it is with my generation (age around 50-60.) My parents didn't consider THEIR parents' situations at all when they decided where to live. Hell, Mom came from another continent to be here in the USA, and Dad readily accepted a relocation offer that put him 1000 miles away from his elderly parents.
However, my dad would probably go ballistic if my husband and I moved away. Even though he did it to his folks.
Great point. My mother's mother was an only child and she moved from northern Canada to NYC in adulthood, leaving her widowed mother (my mother's grandmother) behind in a rural area. The Great Depression might have been a factor, though.
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