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My thought was that this should be in the relationship area, not moving. The move really isn't the issue that I see.
OP hoped to settle down in a place where she would be finally "at home" in a place that she and her husband negotiated as the best choice. I am thinking there is some reason that the husband wanted to live in this particular place, maybe even from the beginning. He made the decision, I'd let him live there. Has to be something to his choice that isn't being revealed or so it sounds to me.
OP, you say your love your husband, a husband who doesn't respect your wishes the least bite, is that correct? Mutual respect is required in a loving marriage. Are you sure the problem is the location? The location won't get better, it just sounds too far off from what you have been waiting to have. The change will have to come from within the marriage, not the location.
Yes, there are definitely deeper issues in this marriage which, in a controlled comfortable environment, can be explored and worked out to everyone's satisfaction. There isn't any way you will get a straight answer on a public forum. JMHO
I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are in quite a jam here. The military life on family is understandably not the easiest. It's definitely a sacrifice to have to give up possibly being comfortable in an area to go to where you're next stationed. While I've never been military or had a spouse that was, I don't know these struggles first-hand, I lived in a military town near a base before and had an awful lot of friends that had to move every few years.
However, it doesn't sound like he gave you options when choosing this move after his retirement. You said he gave you two choices and neither which you wanted to live. A move is a huge decision that isn't to be taken lightly. I don't feel it was fair of him to be like, "Okay, do you want to move here or there?" That sounds like he was giving you two choices that he wanted. He should have asked, "Where would you like to move?" And both of you put together your own lists, then compare, and express what you're both looking for or not looking for in a new state so that you can both talk it out.
Then he tells you to find a rental, which is of course a reasonable request, but where is he in this decision making? I mean, I hope you decided on the rental you wanted together. When one spouse makes the decision and it doesn't work out then the other spouse will blame the one that had to make the final call because they felt they had no choice. It is a recipe for disaster.
I'm sorry to hear you hate your job, but I am glad you have been able to find something for now. Keep on the look out for other opportunities. I don't think this forum will let me post links, but definitely look online at credible work from home job sites that weed out scams as best as they can for you. There are work from home nursing jobs. I hope you can move onto another job that you like more in the area you're in.
Now it sounds like there is a lot of tension and it makes sense. Your husband has a city job and if the turnover rate it high, it is probably a stressful job and perhaps doesn't treat it's employees right and doesn't pay them enough. So if he's under stress and you're under stress from the dislike of the area and your job then it makes sense that argues and resentments will come along with it. However, there needs to be some effective communication to figure this out. Compromises probably need to be made.
It's understandable that he wants to settle down somewhere and never move again, especially after a full career in doing so, but if it's somewhere that's not going to work out for you emotionally, financially, or even feasibly then it might not be the right area for you.
You need to simply tell him, "I want us to take some time to talk later." and set up a time like after dinner. Set the atmosphere that is relaxing to the both of you. Is it relaxing for you to both sit on the couch? Perhaps sit outside and have a cup of hot tea or cocoa? Do something relaxing to both of you and talk openly and honestly. Understand you both will probably have your own frustrations and sour spots in the conversation, but tell yourself, "These are his feelings," and maintain your composure. Even if his words hit a rough spot, this needs to get worked out. Sit down together and make a list of what you're both looking for in a place to live. Does he like cold? Do you like heat? Do you want to be near family? Is being near family essential for him? Is big entertainment a must? Things like that just to get the conversation flowing.
Start the conversation another way in which you have started it. Try not to be too abrupt and start with something simple such as asking him how work has been or something of that sort. Get the conversation going a little bit. Mention to him what you've been wanting to say, and do be honest - don't say anything you don't really mean. This is something that ultimately needs to be talked out between the two of you. I do hope you both get the chance to do that. If things get too terrible, you may want to look into a good marriage and family therapist if possible.
In marriage, those big decisions need contribution from both sides. Not one side making two decisions they like and giving you two decisions you don't like and saying, "Pick one." without much conversation.
I mean no, the fact the OP did everything she needed for her husband's career is not there in black and white. Whoopte do, they got married and moved occasionally. There is a bit more to it than that
The fact that dude retired and got a job doesn't really come into play other than now there is nothing really tying the family to an area anymore. Now it is a completely separate from the military joint family decision to either hang out in southwest US junk area where she is miserable or move on to the "city" and hang out with her kid while he hangs out in the desert. Both parties in this need to step up and communicate in order to "resolve" their differences/conflict-with each other. Having a counselor involved would not hurt.
It must not be a junk area to others or property values would not be so high. It's got to have something going for it. Those prices are in line with some coastal areas.
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