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My husband and I moved across country from the Midwest to the Seattle area with our 3-year-old in May. We moved for a lot of reasons, but not out of necessity - we just thought that overall, we would like this area of the country better. We thought long and hard about the decision to move because we were leaving behind all of our family and friends, but we thought it would be a good move for our little family overall.
It's been 10 months, and while we're doing well here in most respects (love the area, both have jobs, have a good housing situation, our son's school is great, have started to make some friends), we're now really struggling with missing family and friends. And we're really, really struggling with the thought that we have brought our only child to live in a location where he has no family but us. We aren't planning on having any more kids, and while I know people can make their own family out of the people they meet and become close to, our kiddo is really shy, just like his dad and I are. I'm worried he will always feel a bit lonely. And my husband and I miss our family, too. They drove us a little crazy when we were in the same town, so it was easy to say that seeing them infrequently would be better, but now that it's a reality, we're finding it really tough. We also miss the support they provided to us as parents - we have no "nights off" now. We also can't go do some of the outdoor activities in this area that attracted us to the region because our son is just not old enough or easy-going enough to do a lot of those activities, and we have no one that we feel we can leave him with. We've tried bringing him along on some of these activities, and it's usually a bit of a nightmare. So we're not even really getting to experience some of the cool stuff we moved here for, at least not yet.
Our parents came to visit us early in the fall, but we haven't been back to visit family yet, though we're planning a trip soon. Our plan is to do another gut check when we are visiting, to see if maybe we should just move back. But I'm wondering, are we giving this new place enough of a chance? Are we just in a tough spot because of how young our son still is, and if we could hold on for just a few more years, would this start to be really fun as we could take him to do more things? Do we just need to bite the bullet and start finding sitters we can trust so that we can go do other things without our son?
Even if we end up finding a way to get more "us" time without our son, and trying to be patient and give it more time until he's old enough to go do these things with us, there's still the issue of him not having any family around besides us, and not being able to form close relationships with our family due to the large distance.
Ugh, I've rambled long enough. Please, if you have any experience or advice, I'd love to hear it.
Go with your gut--feelings they are what you really feel. It's ok to make mistakes it's how we learn as humans. It's worse to not admit you've made a mistake and to force it.
Last edited by SailCT; 02-15-2018 at 06:25 AM..
Reason: typos
I would take the financial hit and move back now. I can tell you from experience that both of my sons never developed strong relationships with grandparents , other family due to us being a military family and then moving across country. I am now closer to family but its too late , my sons are grown and now want nothing to do with extended family. It sounds so easy to just catch a flight to visit family but the reality is so much different , it gets old fast. I lived in Colorado for four years , my mother never flew out to see her grandsons , she saw them exactly once in four years when I traveled to see her. If you move back home you can always leave your son with his grandparents for the weekend and take mini vacations to do activities with the hubby .
My husband and I moved across country from the Midwest to the Seattle area with our 3-year-old in May. We moved for a lot of reasons, but not out of necessity - we just thought that overall, we would like this area of the country better. We thought long and hard about the decision to move because we were leaving behind all of our family and friends, but we thought it would be a good move for our little family overall.
It's been 10 months, and while we're doing well here in most respects (love the area, both have jobs, have a good housing situation, our son's school is great, have started to make some friends), we're now really struggling with missing family and friends. And we're really, really struggling with the thought that we have brought our only child to live in a location where he has no family but us. We aren't planning on having any more kids, and while I know people can make their own family out of the people they meet and become close to, our kiddo is really shy, just like his dad and I are. I'm worried he will always feel a bit lonely. And my husband and I miss our family, too. They drove us a little crazy when we were in the same town, so it was easy to say that seeing them infrequently would be better, but now that it's a reality, we're finding it really tough. We also miss the support they provided to us as parents - we have no "nights off" now. We also can't go do some of the outdoor activities in this area that attracted us to the region because our son is just not old enough or easy-going enough to do a lot of those activities, and we have no one that we feel we can leave him with. We've tried bringing him along on some of these activities, and it's usually a bit of a nightmare. So we're not even really getting to experience some of the cool stuff we moved here for, at least not yet.
Our parents came to visit us early in the fall, but we haven't been back to visit family yet, though we're planning a trip soon. Our plan is to do another gut check when we are visiting, to see if maybe we should just move back. But I'm wondering, are we giving this new place enough of a chance? Are we just in a tough spot because of how young our son still is, and if we could hold on for just a few more years, would this start to be really fun as we could take him to do more things? Do we just need to bite the bullet and start finding sitters we can trust so that we can go do other things without our son?
Even if we end up finding a way to get more "us" time without our son, and trying to be patient and give it more time until he's old enough to go do these things with us, there's still the issue of him not having any family around besides us, and not being able to form close relationships with our family due to the large distance.
Ugh, I've rambled long enough. Please, if you have any experience or advice, I'd love to hear it.
We left an area with great recreation, to move closer to family once we had kids. Otherwise, we found we were spending every vacation going home to visit the folks.
When you child goes to school you will likely naturally make friends with the other parents. Kids at the age of 3 are very resilient and will make friends wherever they go (unlike adults lol).
I would give it another 6-12 months. 10 months is early, you are still adjusting and trying to figure out how to find the grocery store and pediatrician!
If at that point you still feel that pull to move home then pack it up and go. You did not "make a mistake" you made the move for a reason and if you decide to go back that is okay too. Don't be hard on yourself. Life is a fun series of changes, moves, jobs, so take it all in stride.
My husband and I moved across country from the Midwest to the Seattle area with our 3-year-old in May. We moved for a lot of reasons, but not out of necessity - we just thought that overall, we would like this area of the country better. We thought long and hard about the decision to move because we were leaving behind all of our family and friends, but we thought it would be a good move for our little family overall.
It's been 10 months, and while we're doing well here in most respects (love the area, both have jobs, have a good housing situation, our son's school is great, have started to make some friends), we're now really struggling with missing family and friends. And we're really, really struggling with the thought that we have brought our only child to live in a location where he has no family but us. We aren't planning on having any more kids, and while I know people can make their own family out of the people they meet and become close to, our kiddo is really shy, just like his dad and I are. I'm worried he will always feel a bit lonely. And my husband and I miss our family, too. They drove us a little crazy when we were in the same town, so it was easy to say that seeing them infrequently would be better, but now that it's a reality, we're finding it really tough. We also miss the support they provided to us as parents - we have no "nights off" now. We also can't go do some of the outdoor activities in this area that attracted us to the region because our son is just not old enough or easy-going enough to do a lot of those activities, and we have no one that we feel we can leave him with. We've tried bringing him along on some of these activities, and it's usually a bit of a nightmare. So we're not even really getting to experience some of the cool stuff we moved here for, at least not yet.
Our parents came to visit us early in the fall, but we haven't been back to visit family yet, though we're planning a trip soon. Our plan is to do another gut check when we are visiting, to see if maybe we should just move back. But I'm wondering, are we giving this new place enough of a chance? Are we just in a tough spot because of how young our son still is, and if we could hold on for just a few more years, would this start to be really fun as we could take him to do more things? Do we just need to bite the bullet and start finding sitters we can trust so that we can go do other things without our son?
Even if we end up finding a way to get more "us" time without our son, and trying to be patient and give it more time until he's old enough to go do these things with us, there's still the issue of him not having any family around besides us, and not being able to form close relationships with our family due to the large distance.
Ugh, I've rambled long enough. Please, if you have any experience or advice, I'd love to hear it.
I moved away from family when I got out of school, to DC, which was still within driving distance to family in NW PA. 12 years later, I moved to Texas. Then maybe 10 years later, we had a kid, our only kid. So flash forward we moved back to PA so he could be closer to my parents. You gotta do what you gotta do, but I didn't want him growing up seeing them a couple times a year and vice-versa.
Now..... my family is dysfunctional as hell, but in the long run I think it was worth it. My parents are older, and they are still 2.5 hours away- so we STILL don't see them a ton, but definitely a lot more. My brothers- they have lives too, so we don't see them a ton. We will see what happens 5-10 years down the road, but I feel good that I did it.
My father moved us away from family when I was 5 - I have dozens of cousins I do not know, and was never able to establish any meaningful relationship with my grandparents. The few times a year we visited, my parents were so busy catching up with their parents, there was never any time for one-on-one with the grandparents.
There is something to be said about having family close by, and not just for babysitting convenience. As long as your families aren't dysfunctional, it's good for a child to be around cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
It's hard to get a good support system in place at a new location when you're naturally shy - it can be done but it isn't easy.
There's no shame in moving back home, if that's what you really want to do. You may want to give your new location a certain amount of time you and your husband agree on and then make a decision based on your situation and feelings at that point.
Totally agree- some of the best memories I have as a child were from spending time with my Grandparents, and I'm sure they felt the same way.
My couple of cousins never lived by us, so I have no relationship with them.
Much too soon to make a decision like this. My first year in Seattle (I come from Miami originally) wasn't easy. Seattle unfolds in layers, be patient and you will love it. I'm still here 28 years later .
It's not the Seattle thing that is the problem- Seattle sounds great, Its the missing of family. And that's not going to change........
I raised my family of 3 sons near both sets of grandparents and lots of other family. It was a wonderful thing for them.
After my divorce 10 years ago, I met and married a man who had moved his family (4 kids) all around the country several times for his job. Since being with him, I have moved several times for him. So while I know that's not the same as your situation (moving once to Seattle), I've definitely learned that most friends are no replacement for family. (Not universally true, I realize). In fact I read a great article recently that talked about the fact that most friendships we make in adulthood are "situational friendships," not deep lifelong ones. That's why we are planning to move back close to family in 2 years when hub retires.
First, thank you to all who have replied with such thoughtful commentary and advice. It really is helping me to hear others' perspectives on this, even though it will ultimately be a personal decision that we make as a family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dbsteel
It's not the Seattle thing that is the problem- Seattle sounds great, Its the missing of family. And that's not going to change........
That's the issue in a nutshell. We do like the area. It's not perfect, but we find the downsides (rain, traffic, etc.) are far outweighed by what we see as the upsides (gorgeous landscape, tons of recreation, a more progressive environment, etc.). If we could just make the rest of our family move here, too, we'd be set.
Purplecow's reply also really struck me, because I had a similar experience earlier in my life. When I was younger and single, I moved to another country for the adventure and experience. I was absolutely miserable, and I could feel in my bones from almost the day I arrived that it wasn't the right place for me. I missed my family and friends terribly, didn't like the environment I was in, and ended up moving back after 8 months. In that scenario, it was a much easier decision because I was so unhappy there. With this move to WA, though, it's different - I'm with my husband and son and not totally alone, and we like the environment we're in now. But still, we can't escape the feeling that we are all missing out by not being closer to our family. I almost wish that we did hate it here, because then we could easily make the decision to move back.
Someone else asked if we hadn't thought this through before we moved, and I assure you that we did! We thought that with visits a couple of times a year, weekly phone calls and Facetime, and keeping in touch by photos via social media, we could manage the distance and still feel connected to family. But what you imagine it will feel like is often different from the actual experience. In reality, we feel disconnected from the people we left behind, and we find ourselves missing those connections way more than we had anticipated we would. I do worry that my son will never feel connected to our extended family as he grows older, and that thought really makes me sad. I also picture what will happen if/when my parents' health starts to deteriorate. My sister is more than capable of handling their care, but I feel bad that she'd have to do it all on her own. And I don't want to have missed all of the time that we could have spent together in the meantime when they are still healthy.
Our trip to visit family is coming up soon, and we are going to be assessing things all during the trip and after we return. Even if we wanted to move back tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good idea due to work and housing commitments; my guess is that the earliest we could accomplish it would be this summer. So we still have some time to feel things out and decide if we want to move back or give it some more time.
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