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Most of my husband's friends are nice and have become my friends too but some of their views I find hard to deal with. Two of the friends' wives in particular regularly share racist viewpoints.
I'm from a more liberal area and sometimes find people small minded. They don't really look beyond their town.
On top of this as bad as it sounds I also don't particularly enjoy being in the same town my in laws.
How is this different from most people who find their living arrangements w/spouse and heighbors less than perfect?
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My mother in law likes to drop around unannounced to offer unsolicited advice and just in general they are quite domineering personalities.
Hand her a broom and dustpan when she does, and ask her nicely to sweep this part of the floor, then that part etc., every time she does this. When she orders you around anyway, look at the floor and tell her she missed the section over there.
And keep a dust cloth and can of Pledge handy in case she doesn't get the hint. Maybe even Windex and a roll of paper towels.
How far is the nearest big city? For now, I suggest moving out of the rural town and into nearest city. Maybe tell your husband, you want to be in city for hospital avability and it's good for the baby but he can still drive into work/business.
Can you go visit your folks? Not just for holidays, but go and spend a couple months with them here and there?
... My mom wants to see a baby type of thing .
When my son was young, we used to visit my parents for a few weeks in the summer. I got to sleep late, get my hair cut, and eat entire meals without disruption. I had to drive over 600 miles to get there, but it was worth it.
You're going to have to do something about them dropping in. That's perfectly fine with some people, but it wasn't with my mom. Discussing it can be awkward, but asking someone to call before they come to your house is a reasonable request.
OP, I feel for you. After we were married, hubby and I moved to a rural area because we were given land to build on by my in-laws. I didn't want to move away from town, but it made more sense financially and we planned on having a family.
Hubby felt raising kids in a rural area was better than in a city/town. I wasn't sure about that but I do know now that our boys found fun things to do in a rural area that city kids wouldn't have been able to do, but they also missed out on a lot of things because of distance to town.
Keep in mind that it wasn't near the distances you quoted, but it was along the same idea... I didn't want to live there, but agreed.
What you might want to do is get a promise out of your husband that he will agree to move in X number of years or you will move without him. Marriage should be the both of you making the decisions, not just him. No one is the boss in a good marriage, and no one gets to make all the important life decisions.
I spent the better years of my life living where I didn't want to live, but I made the best of it. We raised our two boys there and I was happy, but always knew in my heart that I wasn't going to STAY there. I was very depressed the last 10 years of living there. I didn't voice it because it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I just looked to the future and kept quiet.
Fast forward to 2103. We found a very nice building lot and built in town. I am now very content and hubby is quite fine with our new location. Our kids? One stayed in the rural area, one built beside us and moved to town.
I know if we hadn't made that agreement long ago, and if I was happy where we originally lived, hubby would never have wanted to move.
So my advice is to compromise and make a plan that is FAIR for both of you. Good luck and I wish you happiness.
I met my husband while travelling for work and moved to his home town 5 years ago.
He is happy here - has family and old friends around and recently bought in to a local business which gives him a good income.
I found it quite difficult to settle here. It is a long way from my own family. To see them requires a few hours drive to an airport then a couple of hour flight, then they pick us up from their nearest airport which is close to an hour drive from where they live.
It's also quite a small rural town and cliquey, most people have known each other since elementary school. Most of my husband's friends are nice and have become my friends too but some of their views I find hard to deal with. Two of the friends' wives in particular regularly share racist viewpoints.
I'm from a more liberal area and sometimes find people small minded. They don't really look beyond their town.
On top of this as bad as it sounds I also don't particularly enjoy being in the same town my in laws.
My mother in law likes to drop around unannounced to offer unsolicited advice and just in general they are quite domineering personalities. I would prefer to see them just for set holidays etc.
I was quite clear from the start of the relationship that I preferred to move and didn't want to stay long term but we have now planned to stay longer due to things that have come up such as the opportunity for my husband to buy in to the business.
He is getting better at listening to my feelings but it has felt at times that we have just done what suits him for example buying in to the business which postponed any plans to move by years wasn't really discussed with me. But then it is hard to argue with when it allows us a good income and I earn so much less than him.
We have a long term plan to move closer to where I'm from for a different sort of business opportunity but believe we will still be hear for at least another 5 years to build up money for the move from the current business.
At times I just feel desperation to get out of where I am and don't think I cant stand over 5 years more but I don't know whether this is logical or not. I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere.
I know my husband's family think I'm unreasonable for trying to take him away from them and a good job.
I'm now expecting a baby and am worried this is going to make the desperation to leave worse.
Can anyone relate? Does it seem reasonable for me to want to move?
I'm in a similar situation, although I'm not married. I moved back to MY home town, after being away for decades, when I retired...to be close to family. Huge mistake. I'm miserable. The people here sound just like you describe. I am more liberal, like you.
I'm working toward moving away, if I can (depends if I can sell my house for a certain amount).
I don't belong here. It sounds like you don't belong where you are, either. It's important to fit in, anywhere a person lives, IMO.
You don't mention your husband's beliefs. Is he small minded and racist, like his home town and family? Is he just giving you lip service by saying he agrees w/your more liberal views, so that he'll revert to his true nature later?
But you're not only married, but now pregnant. So you're stuck for the time being. You'll have to make the best of it. At least the family being close might be helpful to you. Do you have a job? ARE there jobs there? A satisfying job that pays well would go a long way to helping you feel better about where you are.
You do know that having a baby will eat into your plans to save money to move in 5 years, right? Babies are expensive.
This is your life for the next 5 to 10 years. The life you have chosen. Only you can say whether you can make the best of it and be happy there. You have a spouse you love and who loves you, and you'll be having a baby (or two) in the next few years. Your husband gets a decent income from a business. That sounds pretty good, compared to the lives that many lead. But only you can say whether you can get more used to it and be happy.
Why do y'all keep making permanent decisions when it's clear that you are very unhappy??
This isn't a question about moving. It's a question about why two people who claim to love each other don't LISTEN to each other.
You say you were quite clear that you would want to move. Then he bought a business??
Now you're gonna have a baby, and if you dislike your in-laws now, just wait until they keep coming over wanting to see their grandchild.
If I were you, I would seek out a counselor to help you deal with your dissatisfaction without literally going crazy, and then get him to come along for some marital counseling because the two of you need to learn how to consider the other person and not read into their words what you WANT to hear.
The topper is that he bought into a business without talking to her first. I don't care who the breadwinner is, these types of decisions should not be made unilaterally.
I agree with Birdie. Y'all need counseling. This goes beyond not agreeing on where to live.
You say, "I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere," which speaks to two underlying issues. (1) After 5-years, is there some place you could move 'back' to, that hasn't also changed? and (2) When/where have you previously been a 'happy camper' (with/without your husband) and what things are truly different there, than where you are?
Happiness is a choice that resides in us, not the places we live. Having moved several times, I've found that one 'place' is pretty much the same as another. (Early on, I found the same thing to be true of changing jobs to get away from perceived problems ... with the job/company, etc.).
In our last move (8-years ago), my wife convinced herself that moving closer to the grandkids would make her happier. I didn't want to move (traffic, weather, "too close," tourist town), but, did so for her sake. We've made the best of it and made a new life and new friends, but, both agree now that my initial concerns were bigger issues than she was willing to consider then.
Nevertheless, after this much time, we realize that things have changed and "going back" is more of an illusion, than a realistic expectation. Also, while we moved to be closer to and help-out with the grandkids, we are finding that being closer to family as we age, now offers us advantages in the other direction.
You have a plan to possibly move in 5 years, keep your eye on the prize. Time will fly. This will be a nice chance for your in laws to bond with their new grandchild before you go.
And be prepared, things can change. Life doesn't always go as planned. Work on the communication and decision making with your husband so it's not one sided.
And I would be a little less judgmental. You mention that some of your friends are racist. Are they really? Or is it just that because their politics may differ a bit from yours that you are misinterpreting some of their views?
How far is the nearest big city? For now, I suggest moving out of the rural town and into nearest city. Maybe tell your husband, you want to be in city for hospital avability and it's good for the baby but he can still drive into work/business.
This would be my advice too - what is in between where you are now and the airport? Even if not a big city exactly, is there somewhere that is between 30 and 60 minutes away that could be a compromise? Not too far for your husband to commute but far enough to sharply curtain the random drop ins by your in laws while also hopefully being a little more compatible with your world outlook. Plus perhaps better options for medical care, schools, daycare (if you are planning on continuing to work outside the home once you have your baby) and so on.
That’s exactly how I felt for most of the last 8 years. I was living in Los Angeles with plans to move to Las Vegas, then I met my wife up in Portland and we started dating, I moved back, but didn’t want to be there (my original home town). The first few years it was no issue, I had a lot of friends there, my family, and her. Gradually it started wearing on me again, but not to a major extent just not happy where I was. After about 6 years I pretty much said I am not going to stay here so we can do long distance or make a plan but I’m miserable here and this place sucks hardcore so I need out. She understood I had moved just for her and also didn’t like the place, just her family there, and finally just before our wedding we closed on a new house and moved the day after the wedding.
I couldn’t be happier. God bless the people who talk about making the best of a lousy place but nothing matters as much as the place. Give me a great place and I’ll build my life there, but a lousy place I don’t care who lives there, it still is miserable. I don’t know how anyone tolerates living in a small town though, it’s just beyond hilarious, two hours to get to an airport?! I can get to the airport in 12 minutes! You gotta get out of that dump.
I agree. I am so over Houston Texas every day I think about how much I want to move away. The heat, the endless traffic, the urban sprawl that makes everything such a long drive, but the thing I hate most it is that we have no nature left because there are no laws limiting construction. Every tree is being cut down to be developed into new strip centers and subdivisions which only makes traffic, heat, and flooding worse. Overdevelopment has directly contributed to our flooding problems. And now that my last family member passed away, neither my wife nor I have family here. The only thing keeping us here is her job
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