When you can't agree with your spouse on where to live (renting, furniture)
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When my son was young, we used to visit my parents for a few weeks in the summer. I got to sleep late, get my hair cut, and eat entire meals without disruption. I had to drive over 600 miles to get there, but it was worth it.
You're going to have to do something about them dropping in. That's perfectly fine with some people, but it wasn't with my mom. Discussing it can be awkward, but asking someone to call before they come to your house is a reasonable request.
I laughed out loud at your comment "get my hair cut". My son & DIL visit once or twice a year, for a week or ten days. At first I was surprised that my son & DIL would always get their hair cut when they were on vacation at my house (while I watched the grandkids). But, now I just expect it. They say that they never have the time to do it while they are working.
You both deserve some happiness, not just one. Get some help on compromise. My husband says I’m an equal partner but despite my efforts at meeting somewhere in the middle, we end up in a place he wants. I hope you can stick up for yourself and your own needs.
You say, "I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere," which speaks to two underlying issues. (1) After 5-years, is there some place you could move 'back' to, that hasn't also changed? and (2) When/where have you previously been a 'happy camper' (with/without your husband) and what things are truly different there, than where you are?
Happiness is a choice that resides in us, not the places we live. Having moved several times, I've found that one 'place' is pretty much the same as another. (Early on, I found the same thing to be true of changing jobs to get away from perceived problems ... with the job/company, etc.).
In our last move (8-years ago), my wife convinced herself that moving closer to the grandkids would make her happier. I didn't want to move (traffic, weather, "too close," tourist town), but, did so for her sake. We've made the best of it and made a new life and new friends, but, both agree now that my initial concerns were bigger issues than she was willing to consider then.
Nevertheless, after this much time, we realize that things have changed and "going back" is more of an illusion, than a realistic expectation. Also, while we moved to be closer to and help-out with the grandkids, we are finding that being closer to family as we age, now offers us advantages in the other direction.
Don't agree at all. Places are vastly different with greatly varying choices. I've lived in many locations and New England is nothing like SoCal or Utah, for example. Colorado and Texas are hugely different.
You want to move and he wants to stay. As with any decision between 2 people, both of you either have to compromise by finding a place you're both okay with, or one of you will have to suck it up and give in to the other spouse. If you both remain firm on your own side, you will argue until you get a divorce. And you will get nothing done.
Besides OP, you said you're going to move in 5+ years anyway, so you're getting what you want eventually, and since you're pregnant, time will pass much faster since you'll be very busy.
It seems like you are stuck there for now. You are about to get too busy to mope around, so how about you make a decision to knock it off?
Your husband needs to support your need for less quality time with his parents, and boundaries that you are comfortable with. When the baby comes, USE the grandparents to your own advantage.
Don't agree at all. Places are vastly different with greatly varying choices. I've lived in many locations and New England is nothing like SoCal or Utah, for example. Colorado and Texas are hugely different.
Hated some, loved others, "meh" about others.
Happiness can be situational.
Absolutely. I lived in a smaller city that was far from any mid-sized to large city with good flight connections. It also had insane pollen levels and lots of controlled burns, so people tended to get sick from allergies way more than average. I was just miserable because my allergies were out of control and it wasn’t easy just to fly out to get a break. I also lived in London and it was not for me... too dark in the winter and too polluted (got sick a lot there as well). I am probably more in the “meh” range with my current location, but I can certainly make it work.
Happiness is a choice that resides in us, not the places we live. Having moved several times, I've found that one 'place' is pretty much the same as another.
Every time someone says this I totally disagree. Beach bunnies won't be happy in the desert, heat seekers won't enjoy living in Minnesota, and you most certainly see people who talk about how they couldn't deal with small towns, or those who can't stand crowded cities. In my experience living in a place that doesn't suit your lifestyle can negatively affect your whole outlook on life.
Speaking of small towns, Mr JLB we get that you don't care for them, but how about respecting that some people enjoy the lifestyle, and not always for reasons to do with family.
OP, please do get counseling for you and your husband. I was in your shoes years and years ago, and I got stuck raising my family in a place I hated. It bleeds over into other areas of your life and being miserable when you've got kids to raise... well it's not a choice I'd make again.
Is it fair that you have changed your mind after 5 years?
OP said outright that she told her husband at the beginning they'd have to move:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zara3
I was quite clear from the start of the relationship that I preferred to move and didn't want to stay long term
Unfortunately, OP, your husband has the "squatter's rights" advantage-- the fact that you're already there and it will be quite easy to come up with reasons not to leave. "But my job is good but we're near my family but we already have a house but we're already settled in here but we'd have to take the time and expense to move but but but blah blah blah." I fear you're fighting a losing battle. You agreed to stay for five more years. Then it'll be "we can move once the baby's in school and we don't need my parents to babysit so much" and then it'll be "we can't move the kid away from their friends, when they graduate we can move" and then it'll be "well my parents are older and need us" or "when we retire we can move" and somewhere along the line it'll probably be "but we've lived here so long already, aren't you used to it yet surely after X number of years you can stick it out now," and on and on. He has literally no incentive to move, on top of the fact that you're the woman and are the one who would be expected to make the sacrifice (don't worry, if you lived where you wanted to and he wanted to move, people would tell you to move. BT&DT.).
Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT
How far is the nearest big city? For now, I suggest moving out of the rural town and into nearest city. Maybe tell your husband, you want to be in city for hospital avability and it's good for the baby but he can still drive into work/business.
Also, better schools for the kid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jghorton
Happiness is a choice that resides in us, not the places we live. Having moved several times, I've found that one 'place' is pretty much the same as another. (Early on, I found the same thing to be true of changing jobs to get away from perceived problems ... with the job/company, etc.).
Then it won't be a problem for him to move, will it?
The statement you made "I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere" tells me that you are blaming your unhappiness on your location when that is likely not the case.
Most happy people can live anywhere and thrive. I have seen too many friends chase happiness from state to state and it just doesn't work.
Get right with yourself (friends you enjoy, job you like, stand up for yourself with family, etc.) and your happiness will follow.
You say, "I can't guarantee I would be happier elsewhere," which speaks to two underlying issues. (1) After 5-years, is there some place you could move 'back' to, that hasn't also changed? and (2) When/where have you previously been a 'happy camper' (with/without your husband) and what things are truly different there, than where you are?
Happiness is a choice that resides in us, not the places we live. Having moved several times, I've found that one 'place' is pretty much the same as another. (Early on, I found the same thing to be true of changing jobs to get away from perceived problems ... with the job/company, etc.).
In our last move (8-years ago), my wife convinced herself that moving closer to the grandkids would make her happier. I didn't want to move (traffic, weather, "too close," tourist town), but, did so for her sake. We've made the best of it and made a new life and new friends, but, both agree now that my initial concerns were bigger issues than she was willing to consider then.
Nevertheless, after this much time, we realize that things have changed and "going back" is more of an illusion, than a realistic expectation. Also, while we moved to be closer to and help-out with the grandkids, we are finding that being closer to family as we age, now offers us advantages in the other direction.
In what way is one place “pretty much the same” as another?! If I hadn’t moved, I would have spent the last week getting rained on, I wouldn’t be building a pool, I wouldn’t have world class entertainment out my door, and I would still be miserable. Places are NOT the same! Bad weather cannot be fixed, it’s just always bad, and there’s no reason whatsoever to live in any place with bad weather. There are too many places that are beautiful to spend life getting rained on and freezing.
There’s no comparison between some places and others, whatsoever, and it impacts happiness a lot.
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