U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Thread summary:

Move back home: specific activities, rude geriatrics, burnout, career issues, talented gymnast

Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-14-2008, 12:23 PM
 
Location: SD
895 posts, read 4,102,831 times
Reputation: 344

Advertisements

I put a post on the WPB, FL forum but I think it might be more appropriate to post here. I will TRY to make this short.

In 2005, my husband took a job that took us four hours away from our family and friends. We decided to make the change because we wanted something different in our lives and weren't sure that Palm Beach County, FL was the best place for us to raise our children (in terms of activities and younger people). We moved and were very happy however my husband's job was not a success and he took another job clear across the country in CA. We've lived here for a year and it's been okay. I don't love it here but my husband loves to live here and my children are in a great school and do fabulous activities. Despite others negativity, I find this to be a good place (in terms of the reasons for leaving PBC -- lots of kids and activities). Negative is that my husband's new job absolutely sucks. He's been approached by his former company in Palm Beach County to come back which would mean we'd move back to where we started from. I have a couple of issues -- positive and negative is that my family lives there. The county has grown over the last few years but it's still lacking some of the core things we want -- specific activities for our kids -- and still filled with rude geriatrics. Another part of me feels like I'm selling out my daughter (she's a very talented gymnast and currently works under a former Olympic Gold medalist) since there -- from what I've been able to find--aren't any decent gyms for her. My husband keeps asking me what I think and I've gotten to the point where I keep saying--"it's your call" but I don't think it would be a good "family" move--however if he finds it a satisfactory career move, we can suck it up. Are my points valid or am I a big baby? Can I also mention that we've moved three times in the last two years and I'm a bit burned out.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-14-2008, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Home!
9,336 posts, read 11,328,847 times
Reputation: 9227
I would say exactly what you expressed here. I don't think you are being a big baby, you are basically just kicking around your options and weighing them to see what is better. If he is asking your opinion he obviously values it. You're lucky, there are a lot of people who wouldn't even be asked, they would be told.

I certainly don't blame you for the burnout. I am in the process of a big move and I have not even really started packing much and I am burned out!!

Good luck!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-14-2008, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,433,939 times
Reputation: 1927
A couple of questions.
1) What's made each job suck? Is it the co-workers, management, travel, etc...
2) How does you dh know he will not hate his next job?
2) How old is your daughter? How much do you want your life to revolve around her career? Gymnastics is such a sacrificing field. I would never allow my dd to go into it.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-14-2008, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Cosmic Consciousness
3,871 posts, read 16,391,684 times
Reputation: 2680
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
My husband keeps asking me what I think and...I keep saying--"it's your call"
Then -- you think it's okay to not let your partner in life know your thoughts and feelings, and instead keep him in the dark?
And it's okay to let one person make all the decision for a whole family?
And it will be okay later on, if you don't like the decision he makes, to blame him? -- because that's what you are setting up if you share nothing with him.

You're half of your marriage and your husband apparently thinks so too. You should allow yourself to trust your husband as much as he trusts you -- to listen to your ideas and feelings, to watch you wander through ideas you love and ideas you don't love -- and together arrive at ideas that you both will understand.

For better and for worse you chose to share your life with this man. Now's a perfect time to do so. You both need comfort in figuring this out; you should be comforting each other, so let him comfort you while you comfort him!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-14-2008, 05:28 PM
 
Location: SD
895 posts, read 4,102,831 times
Reputation: 344
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzie02 View Post
A couple of questions.
1) What's made each job suck? Is it the co-workers, management, travel, etc...
2) How does you dh know he will not hate his next job?
2) How old is your daughter? How much do you want your life to revolve around her career? Gymnastics is such a sacrificing field. I would never allow my dd to go into it.
1) IMO - it's a combination between the job and my husband is the one who made each job suck. He has a big ego and is immature for his age. He's extremely intelligent but I'm feeling more and more that he doesn't seem to have the social skills necessary in the corporate world.
---He became dissatisfied with his career about four years ago. He was becoming burned out (from travel - He spent an entire year living away from us when we had our first child) and bored and felt that his career wasn't going anywhere. He (with my okay) switched careers. Nine months into this situation right as I was moving our family to the new location where he'd been living in a hotel, he called and told me he thought we were making a mistake. At this point, I had movers in my house and I was six months pregnant and I told him to suck it up. This lasted another few months and they parted ways. He went back to his old career and we moved cross-country. This new situation is a combination of expectations and communication. He was misled about his job description and responsibilities and feels that he made a mistake by just taking something that sounded good. This new job would entail us (as a family) going from no travel for the last two years to my husband being gone from our lives four to five days per week. Is he going to be happy? I have no idea. At this point, I'm trying to figure out what's happened to him in the last three years.

2) That's correct--how does he know he won't hate this next job? Considering the fact that we left this job to begin the roller coaster we've been living on because we didn't feel it was helping his "career" (that he'd hit his professional window) and now they've lost a lot of their talent and my husband made them millions (not kidding) so they're wooing him back. Positives to going back is that he's going back to the familiar--he knows everyone there and they know him. They know how he works and vice versa. He doesn't have to get involved in a learning curve--he can just jump in. He feels it's a "safe" move and we could just "hang out" for two years.

3) My daughter is 6. My close friend is a former competitive gymnast and she thinks I'm crazy to get my daughter into this sport. We started taking it for recreation and in the last two years she has progressed rapidly and currently works out with girls 2 years older. She's the smallest but the most determined in the group. Do I endorse this and push her? Yes and No. This is her call. It was her decision if she wanted to move up or stay with the girls her own age. I'm just following her type-A over-achieving lead as long as she wants to do this. Personally, this is her dream right now and I feel that it's my job as her mom to help her fulfill it -- until she's had enough and moves onto something else if that's the case.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-14-2008, 05:43 PM
 
Location: SD
895 posts, read 4,102,831 times
Reputation: 344
Quote:
Originally Posted by allforcats View Post
Then -- you think it's okay to not let your partner in life know your thoughts and feelings, and instead keep him in the dark?
And it's okay to let one person make all the decision for a whole family?
And it will be okay later on, if you don't like the decision he makes, to blame him? -- because that's what you are setting up if you share nothing with him.

You're half of your marriage and your husband apparently thinks so too. You should allow yourself to trust your husband as much as he trusts you -- to listen to your ideas and feelings, to watch you wander through ideas you love and ideas you don't love -- and together arrive at ideas that you both will understand.

For better and for worse you chose to share your life with this man. Now's a perfect time to do so. You both need comfort in figuring this out; you should be comforting each other, so let him comfort you while you comfort him!
At first I felt very attacked by your post but as I re-read it, I understood your points. The rest of my conversation to my husband said I didn't think it would be a good family move for us. That was definitely letting him know how I feel. I also reiterated a conversation we had six months when we went back to visit and that was -- do I want to live there again? No. Can I? Yes. Is it the ultimate place I want to live? No. You are correct-I am half of my marriage and he does trust me and wants to know my ideas and feelings. However, in our last two moves, he has listened to what I had to say and then made his decisions on his own doing what HE feels is best for his family. With that comment made, I'm sure you can imagine that I'm exhausted--mentally and physically. I feel that there hasn't been a day that's gone by in the last few years that my husband is happy with his career. All he says is that he's happy with his family and where we live but hates his job. A part of me wants to say suck it up and stop moving us all over tarnation but another part of me wants him to be happy professionally because he feels defined by his career.

To add more fuel to the fire--he does have other options out there. For the last eight months, he has been working on a business plan to open his own company. We have shelled out $5k of our own personal money on attorneys and graphic artists (for trademarking and logos and incorporation) and now he's supposed to go see some financial advisors. For the past two months, he hasn't done anything. When I (or his "business partner -- his best friend) talk to him about it, he doesn't have anything to say except maybe this isn't the right time and he should wait a few more years. During this time of just coasting, he was also approached by a local company (meaning we wouldn't have to move) and he's interviewing with them tomorrow. Today he told me he was just doing it as a courtesy because he feels he should just settle for the easy known-the job in Florida. It's great to have options but sometimes it's not so great.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-14-2008, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,568 posts, read 6,433,939 times
Reputation: 1927
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
1) IMO - it's a combination between the job and my husband is the one who made each job suck. He has a big ego and is immature for his age. He's extremely intelligent but I'm feeling more and more that he doesn't seem to have the social skills necessary in the corporate world.
---He became dissatisfied with his career about four years ago. He was becoming burned out (from travel - He spent an entire year living away from us when we had our first child) and bored and felt that his career wasn't going anywhere. He (with my okay) switched careers. Nine months into this situation right as I was moving our family to the new location where he'd been living in a hotel, he called and told me he thought we were making a mistake. At this point, I had movers in my house and I was six months pregnant and I told him to suck it up. This lasted another few months and they parted ways. He went back to his old career and we moved cross-country. This new situation is a combination of expectations and communication. He was misled about his job description and responsibilities and feels that he made a mistake by just taking something that sounded good. This new job would entail us (as a family) going from no travel for the last two years to my husband being gone from our lives four to five days per week. Is he going to be happy? I have no idea. At this point, I'm trying to figure out what's happened to him in the last three years.

2) That's correct--how does he know he won't hate this next job? Considering the fact that we left this job to begin the roller coaster we've been living on because we didn't feel it was helping his "career" (that he'd hit his professional window) and now they've lost a lot of their talent and my husband made them millions (not kidding) so they're wooing him back. Positives to going back is that he's going back to the familiar--he knows everyone there and they know him. They know how he works and vice versa. He doesn't have to get involved in a learning curve--he can just jump in. He feels it's a "safe" move and we could just "hang out" for two years.

3) My daughter is 6. My close friend is a former competitive gymnast and she thinks I'm crazy to get my daughter into this sport. We started taking it for recreation and in the last two years she has progressed rapidly and currently works out with girls 2 years older. She's the smallest but the most determined in the group. Do I endorse this and push her? Yes and No. This is her call. It was her decision if she wanted to move up or stay with the girls her own age. I'm just following her type-A over-achieving lead as long as she wants to do this. Personally, this is her dream right now and I feel that it's my job as her mom to help her fulfill it -- until she's had enough and moves onto something else if that's the case.
Well. In that case I recommend you both go to a family counselor that will help you figure out what is best for your family. Good luck
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2008, 11:35 AM
 
9,483 posts, read 8,631,055 times
Reputation: 8143
Default Cal Good for Kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
I put a post on the WPB, FL forum but I think it might be more appropriate to post here. I will TRY to make this short.

In 2005, my husband took a job that took us four hours away from our family and friends. We decided to make the change because we wanted something different in our lives and weren't sure that Palm Beach County, FL was the best place for us to raise our children (in terms of activities and younger people). We moved and were very happy however my husband's job was not a success and he took another job clear across the country in CA. We've lived here for a year and it's been okay. I don't love it here but my husband loves to live here and my children are in a great school and do fabulous activities. Despite others negativity, I find this to be a good place (in terms of the reasons for leaving PBC -- lots of kids and activities). Negative is that my husband's new job absolutely sucks. He's been approached by his former company in Palm Beach County to come back which would mean we'd move back to where we started from. I have a couple of issues -- positive and negative is that my family lives there. The county has grown over the last few years but it's still lacking some of the core things we want -- specific activities for our kids -- and still filled with rude geriatrics. Another part of me feels like I'm selling out my daughter (she's a very talented gymnast and currently works under a former Olympic Gold medalist) since there -- from what I've been able to find--aren't any decent gyms for her. My husband keeps asking me what I think and I've gotten to the point where I keep saying--"it's your call" but I don't think it would be a good "family" move--however if he finds it a satisfactory career move, we can suck it up. Are my points valid or am I a big baby? Can I also mention that we've moved three times in the last two years and I'm a bit burned out.
Sounds like you'd really like to stay where you are. Could your husband find another good job in your present area? Has he looked yet? I know those So Fl types can be very rude and it's not easy to live amongst them. Good luck, however it turns out.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-21-2008, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Dover, DE
2,235 posts, read 4,461,362 times
Reputation: 3613
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5FLgirls View Post
To add more fuel to the fire--he does have other options out there. For the last eight months, he has been working on a business plan to open his own company. We have shelled out $5k of our own personal money on attorneys and graphic artists (for trademarking and logos and incorporation) and now he's supposed to go see some financial advisors. For the past two months, he hasn't done anything. When I (or his "business partner -- his best friend) talk to him about it, he doesn't have anything to say except maybe this isn't the right time and he should wait a few more years. During this time of just coasting, he was also approached by a local company (meaning we wouldn't have to move) and he's interviewing with them tomorrow. Today he told me he was just doing it as a courtesy because he feels he should just settle for the easy known-the job in Florida. It's great to have options but sometimes it's not so great.
This is making me wonder if he has gotten to the point that he is afraid of failure, of taking chances. He took one and he claims it hasn't worked out well, so now he is afriad of taking any more. Men are pretty much defined by their careers, unlike women who have other things to define them. He is probably afraid of the new business and not being a success and thus not being able to support the family. Perceived failures can lead someone to not want to bother, so to avoid true failures. Unfortunately, it can be self-fulfilling in that when he goes to the interview his attitude will show and thus he won't get the job.......another failure.

Another thing is that maybe something happened so that he wants to be closer to family? Has some friend of his passed away or friend's parents passed away lately? I am asking this because we bought a new home down in SC for retirement (we now live in PA), and I don't really feel that my husband is doing everything he can to get this place sold, nor is he making any effort whatsoever to find a job in SC so we can get moved. Then it dawned on me. His mother is still living and is 89 and getting pretty frail lately. Both my parents are gone, so I couldn't care less about moving away.....in fact, I'm anxious. Maybe your husband, for some reason, feels mortality setting in and wants to be closer, but doesn't want to use that excuse.

In any case, the only thing you can do is sit down and talk and be totally honest with each other about it. Make a written list of the pros and cons of each and make sure he understands not matter what, he is not a failure in your eyes. Unfortunately, men's egos are not only big, but they are extremely fragile. And it's an unfortunate thing that we women have to deal with that and bolster it, but they can't and won't change. Geez...and they call US the weaker sex!!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-26-2008, 02:48 AM
 
2,015 posts, read 4,981,467 times
Reputation: 1876
Quote:
Originally Posted by rothbear View Post
And it's an unfortunate thing that we women have to deal with that and bolster it, but they can't and won't change. Geez...and they call US the weaker sex!!

Isn't that the truth! My husband's mom is also getting up there in age (86). Because of this (and a few other factors), I feel like I am stuck in limbo as far as relocating. First, my mom was sick and dying (she passed away four years ago), the older kids were still in high school (we have younger ones too and by the time they graduate, I will be near 60), now it's his mom. Seems like women have to be the rock of Gibraltor, always being there for everyone else, never for one's own self. Right now, I'm feeling like "this is my life too" and am figuratively tapping on my watch saying "MY life is ticking away too". Sorry to digress.

To the Original Poster (5FLgirls) - may I ask what school system in OC your children attend? I've looked at relocating to SD or OC for over five years now; most of what I read about CA schools has been very disheartening, especially in the light of the CA education budget cuts. I felt hopeful that there would be a good school system for our kids in S. CA (if we would relocate there). Thank you.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > General Moving Issues
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2022, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top