Being new to an area... your experiences

[Bette]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

Hi, actually,no, we are in PA. We just moved from MD,which we loved!
No, I wish I could say that they were also new,it was extremely obvious that all of these woman (and I should have added,that for such a large school,there were probably 20 people there.. not great attendance !) all knew eachother... after the short business part of their mtg,it became one big "mommy's night out" ,if you understand..
It was awful and I am just not happy about it ,at all.
The area we came from was smaller,however, the PTA mtgs would never indicate that! they had a HUGE participation from families,and it was families that attended! mom's,dad's and kids in tow...
Now,I didn't always bring my children,but my husband travels alot and it was always nice to know that if I did need to bring them,that others would have their's there as well. It was quite obvious to me that children are probably not welcomed at the mtgs and for whatever reason,dad's don't participate. At least, they didn't at last night's mtg....

I am hoping that my observations were not correct and that yes,possbily after getting to know people and I familarize myself with their format,etc... that this will not be the norm.
I will say though,that IF I do decide to go back to another one,that I will be sure to introduce myself to anyone I see sitting alone...

I have to sit back and laugh at myself when I read your post. When our daughter started in pre-K and then kindergarten at a private school, I was the only mother who worked. I also was one of the few moms who was a different religion. My husband was readily accepted and joined the Father's Club but the women, oh my, I was so shunned. I did try to talk to other women but cliquey was not the word. I remember going to meetings, to the fundraisers, etc. and no one would speak to me. Because I worked and was not aware of certain traditions, for example, when our daughter turned 9, I invited the whole class to our home for her birthday (they had all come the year before!) and no one responded. Silly me! I didn't realize all the children went away to sleep away camp!! In middle school, however, our daughter became so good at sports that parents began talking to us!

In other words, it's not YOU!

[goldengrain]

Originally Posted by Bette

I have to sit back and laugh at myself when I read your post. When our daughter started in pre-K and then kindergarten at a private school, I was the only mother who worked. I also was one of the few moms who was a different religion. My husband was readily accepted and joined the Father's Club but the women, oh my, I was so shunned. I did try to talk to other women but cliquey was not the word. I remember going to meetings, to the fundraisers, etc. and no one would speak to me. Because I worked and was not aware of certain traditions, for example, when our daughter turned 9, I invited the whole class to our home for her birthday (they had all come the year before!) and no one responded. Silly me! I didn't realize all the children went away to sleep away camp!! In middle school, however, our daughter became so good at sports that parents began talking to us!

In other words, it's not YOU!

I have found that the cliquishness sometimes subsides as people age. When their kids are grown and have left home there is little chance that they would marry your kids so you all of a sudden become human.

I have no idea that this is the case with you, but it does happen.

[foma]

Since we married in '04, we've moved twice and I find the hardest thing for me is to make new friends. I can get used the area just fine but beyond my husband's coworkers, we have a hard time meeting new people. With the Internet, I don't feel as lonely or isolated 'cuz I can keep in touch with my old friends but making new ones and hanging out with new people is hard for me! My husband is more social but we don't really "venture out" to meet new people. Frankly, I don't even know how! Church and clubbing/bars are the only things I can think of and we do neither.

Other than that, I've enjoyed all our moves. It's neat to see new places and explore. I'm ready to settle down though and I think we're finally at that point in our lives. It will be nice to have some stability!

[goldengrain]

Originally Posted by foma

Since we married in '04, we've moved twice and I find the hardest thing for me is to make new friends. I can get used the area just fine but beyond my husband's coworkers, we have a hard time meeting new people. With the Internet, I don't feel as lonely or isolated 'cuz I can keep in touch with my old friends but making new ones and hanging out with new people is hard for me! My husband is more social but we don't really "venture out" to meet new people. Frankly, I don't even know how! Church and clubbing/bars are the only things I can think of and we do neither.

Other than that, I've enjoyed all our moves. It's neat to see new places and explore. I'm ready to settle down though and I think we're finally at that point in our lives. It will be nice to have some stability!

I like the Conversation Cafe format.
Conversation Cafe Home Page

I have attended something similar, run by a philosophy prof at a local college,
and another run by a member of the Ethical Culture Society.
Ethical Culture - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Wiki says Ethical Culture is religious, but I have met many athiests at their meetings.

Some of these groups center around various themes, some not. Some are attended primarily by students, some by retirees. I would find whatever is in my area and attend several for several occasions.

The nice thing is, you do not have to talk if you choose not to (at least in the ones I attended), but you are in a group of people and discussing things and attending often enough will invariably make friends of some sort.

Some local colleges offer great classes for adults at night. Sometimes they are for people who have retired. Some of those programs are boring, like how to knit, but others are to do with traveling and a science teacher explained the science in the news headlines once a week and another discussed recent court decisions, etc.

I met my other half while attending a lecture at a Barnes and Noble.

I, too find most churches repetitive and boring and do not like to drink much talking to people who might be uninteresting if I got to know them.

So, attending meetings where people express their ideas and discuss issues is great. You get to know a bit about them before you start talking to them. They get to know you. It is a great way to meet and discuss things with strangers in a safe environment.

In some areas it takes a very long time before people feel comfortable and accepting of strangers. One of these groups might help you feel connected until one of them breaks the ice and asks you over or for coffee later, etc.

You sound well adjusted and not needy. People are really turned off by 'needy' and those who look for 'friends' to feed their egos.

[Skatergirl]

I had a similar experience in Connecticut. Very snooty and arrogant town in the central part. Never really got better. I found a really great girlfriend and that helped. Gotta find your niche I would say. BUT, that said, you couldn't pay me to live in Ct again. Also, btw, I've moved over 16 times--all over the country--and the friendliness of a town depends on several factors. What kinda person are you? Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there. Also, get involved in something outside of the pta. Some of those women depend on that for their sole identity. Can be very exclusive in the worst way. Get involved in some local groups/clubs where you will meet people that live in your community. Check out meetup.com. It's a great way to find others who share an interst or hobby. Oh, and to the other poster who asked if you were in Va. Funny, but I'm in Va and I love it here

[biblegal]

My family has experienced corporate moves too. I find getting to know people one of the most challenging things in the process! It's hard enough to leave everyone you love and the places that you're familiar with...

This last move was from PA to MN. I had more interaction in the beginning with the grocery clerks and the bank tellers then I did with my neighbors! Not one plate of cookies to welcome us to the neighborhood.

The schools welcomed my kids, but soon after the kids went back to their clicks and our kids felt like outsiders.

The churches modeled much of the same... Stood around in clicks.

I decided that if I wanted to make friends I just had to go up to people and start conversations! Believe me, it wasn't easy. Otherwise, I would still be sitting here by myself with no friends!!

Hang in there. You will make friends. What part of PA did you move to? Maybe I can help.

Biblegal

[NYMD67]

Thanks again so much for the positive comments and the support. We moved to S.Central PA, near Wyomissing/Reading area. Really beautiful area and love the school district!
In the past few weeks since posting I was able to attend a few things at the school,met a few of the classroom parents who seem nice,but I have to say,that still,people are pretty stand offish...
I am a pretty outgoing person who usually doesn't have a problem making friends,my parents use to joke and say that I would talk to a wall if it talked back...
Just finding as I am getting older,it is becoming more difficult.
I don't need my hand held as others have somewhat implied here,I really just felt very out of place at the meeting I attended. That is the first time in all of our moves that I have felt completely out of place.
Hopefully as the months go on,the weather gets nicer and more people are out,we will start to meet more people.

Thank you again to all of the people who posted who have experienced the same things.
I really do appreciate it!

[TroElli]

My b/f and I moved from Seattle to Atlanta 4 years ago and my daughter lived with us for 4th & 5th grade. I ran into the same 'meanie mom' situation. Luckily my daughter is good at making friends, so we'd go to events, she'd ditch me for her friends, and I'd pretty much wander around by myself, pretending to be utterly facinated with the handprint paintings hanging on the walls.. lol. I tried to be friendly and get involved, and I actually made it to the "Hi!! How are you?!?" phase, but never beyond. Truly you can only get shut down so many times before you just have to give it up. We have become close friends with a couple of our neighbors, but in the 'tell each other about major events and try to get together every couple of months for drinks' kind of way. I've missed having even one girlfriend that I could just hang out with.

My daughter now lives in the midwest with her father and so my b/f and I have made the decision to move closer to her by moving to Omaha this summer. She'll still be an hour away, but no plane tickets are involved in seeing her.. We'll attend any major school events - that's part of why we're moving closer - but won't get involved with the school. Too many people find the fact that my ex, his wife, my b/f and myself get along too weird to deal with .. lol.

What I *have* done is contact the local knitting guild. I knit, crochet and spin - and by reaching out in advance, I've already met a group of ladies that I'm excited to meet, and who have been warmly welcoming to me. And there are different members who get together at different times and places all around the city. I'm hopeful that there will be at least one friend in the bunch, and if not, it will still give me something to do for myself once or twice a week, and in pleasant company. Knitters are typically a friendly bunch, especially to people who come to them wanting to learn. It may not be your cup of tea, but wanted to share the idea since I'm so encouraged by the response I've gotten. Whatever you wind up doing, I wish you luck. I know how tough it is to be alone in a strange place. And yes.. there is always the internet..