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I am in my fifties and I must say that for me, making friends gets easier with age, because I've had more practice. What's different is that the world has changed so much in my lifetime. The world is more crowded, rushed. There's more home-related crime, for example when I was a kid we didn't lock our cars or houses and slept with all windows open.
I don't think I'd be stretching anything to say that people in the U.S. have become more isolated and lonely. I feel strongly that computers, TVs, fast roads and cars, phone machines, huge supermarkets have all contributed to this. Families don't live in the same area all their lives, and people are more independant, autonomous.
These are broad generalizations I know, but I see a lot of truth in them in my life and in the lives of friends.
Furthermore, with age, I've found I value people in general, and friends in particular more than I used to. I realize how temporal everything is, and the importance of valueing what is in this moment. I've learned that true, intimate friends, of either gender, are rare; a true intimate friend is as rare as a wonderful spouse or loving mother.
I'm a loner, an introvert, but I like people very much. I have excellent social skills, mainly because I just like people; I'm curious about them, enjoy their stories and personalities. Then I return to my quiet cave. Many who know me don't believe or realize that I spend most of my time alone in quiet, because I'm so friendly and a good conversationalist.
Okay, that's my background context. I read this entire thread, and was concerned about you at first, then you revealed you're a writer and an artist, you have phone calls and correspondences; you have many friends, but they aren't close.
If I may say--I see a lot of richness in your life. You seem a centered and wise soul. I don't wonder if you're not going through a spiritual dark night--there are many books about that you can look up. I like Thomas Moore, former priest and therapist who is insightful.
I am a pray-er and I pray that you confront your issues with courage. May unexpected help come your way, and may you be open to that.
I've learned from reading your story, and admired how you responded thoughtfully to each person. I'll reiterate that you have wisdom, and generousity of spirit. May it be returned to you 100 fold.
When you chose where to land next, or stay joyfully where you are, I hope you'll let these kinds folks here who've responded to you know.
I have moved alot and I never regretted it, I am almost 45 and I have a few good friends and most are long distance, but that is not a bad thing for me. I like to look at things as the glass being half full in life, you have only ONE life, enjoy it cause you never know when its your last day.
I have loved exploring other parts of the country and meeting new and interesting people. Has it always been green pastures? No..but living in the same town with no real opporunities never appealed to me, I had many friends who are poor now cause they settled for a small town and have little to show for it. Its sad I think.
I would encourage people to do what they feel is best for them and their situation, its different for everyone, and staying put does not guarantee happiness nor does moving for that matter, what matters is making lemonade out of lemons maybe?
The other side of the fence is always better.... I've lived all over and don't regret it at all. New places and new people. I love the challenge of getting to know a new place. I've lived in the US and abroad and I'll go again at the drop of a hat.
The other side of the fence is always better.... I've lived all over and don't regret it at all. New places and new people. I love the challenge of getting to know a new place. I've lived in the US and abroad and I'll go again at the drop of a hat.
But how old are you? What you say is very appealing and the other side of the coin. The OP, however, raises a good possibility for your golden years--and I don't mean to single you out--just using your post as an example of the "oher way of looking at it"--.
If one loses a spouse and children are in distance places--friends and a network of support becomes extremely important--for activities and fun and for comfort in tough times.
Something to consider at some point in the "rolling stone gathers no moss" lifestyle.
At the same time, as long as one is healthy--it is never too late to build those support systems. Find a locale you like, join clubs (garden or book are good)and take classes--even something like stained glass--volunteer--not as an individual but with a group where you interact with others such as animal rescue, church, the local schools, or Red Cross.
Age 40 is nowhere near "golden years"
And it is possible for "unhealthy" people to volunteer. I've done it on crutches. I do it now with people in wheelchairs and on oxygen; with who can't walk, who are HIV positive, who limp, who have brain injuries, MS, depression, widowhood grief, etc. etc.
"Unhealthy" people often make the most compassionate, resourceful volunteers.
Therapist Dr. Dan Gottlieb, a pariplegic, can't even feed himself. Yet, he listens to "healthy" people's problems in his practice, and has compassion for them. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...toryId=5361784
I belong to a spiritual group and one of the members who is perhaps only in his 50's, is in a wheelchair. Yet, in his wheelchair, he goes and helps a friend who can walk. The friend has dementia or had a stroke. Yet, here's my friend, shopping for him, helping him in his house. Unstoppable!
Disabled volunteers have helped me many times; they volunteer in hospitals, at death watches, in churches and orgs.
Wanted to tell the OP that libraries will deliver books to you at home, no charge. I used this service once when I was in a wheelchair (Only 2 months, fine now) and another time when my car had crashed (I lived in a town with no bus service and it was too far to walk, and required walking on freeways regardless.).
Call or e-mail your local library. I've found the very much enjoy helping folks get books, and they will pick them up when you're done. They will leave them outside at the door if you ask, or you can invite them in. when I was in the wheelchair the volunteer saw what kinds of books I liked and threw in a couple of her suggestions, very nice lady.
Also, you may be eligible for Meals on Wheels, you probably know about that one.
I'm a lifelong volunteer, and it's been hard for me to ask for help when I simply was incapable of doing certain things; but as a volunteer, I know helping is what some folks thrive on, it makes us very happy and is no sacrifice at all!
There are many opportunities for people in all manner of "health." Be healthy inside
Sometimes when one is too ill or circumstances limit ability to leave the house, one must let people come into the house. Visitors don't care about the mess...again when I was in wheelchair, whoever came to visit, brought me bananas and cleaned the catbox. One person cleaned cat vomit off the rug and smiled as she did so. PEOPLE WANT TO HELP. Let them.
Last edited by TwoYearsMax; 08-28-2009 at 01:40 PM..
I think you are focusing on what you missed, but people like me whose parents never moved from place to place, but thru. divorce parents moved, which bring issues of trust. There are thousands of people who move to large cities and leave their friends and family behind, never to rejoin. There are millions of people who leave their highschool friends behind except the alumni parties. And same thing with college friends.
I think if you have a close knit family, then your parents and sibling are your best friends.
People who immigrate leave their families and communities behind and visit once a year or two.
Some people are surrounded by childhood associates and just want to get away, while others love their childhood alliances.
There is no hard and fast rule for what will make us happy or children happy.
But I am certain that if a family is close knit, everything else will fall into place.
Just getting back to this thread.
I agree with the above.
The other day, I had a weird moment, I had someone tell me..."You have had an exciting life" because I have lived so many places.
The last word I had for my life was exciting...
But I have encountered that. It seems the people who have had my "dream life" of having lived in the same place all their lives, seem envious, of fact I have lived in different places.
So you are right about that, for some it makes happy for other's it doesnt.
Temperamentally, stablity and never moving would have been my choice. One friend said to me maybe I had been traumatized by a move my family made around my 13th birthday, she said that is the worse age for a kid to move. Course that was so many years ago, I told her well that is just a theory.
I am in my fifties and I must say that for me, making friends gets easier with age, because I've had more practice. What's different is that the world has changed so much in my lifetime. The world is more crowded, rushed. There's more home-related crime, for example when I was a kid we didn't lock our cars or houses and slept with all windows open.
Yes the world is much faster. I am in my 40s and I feel like it has sped by me even. I cant even keep up with the technology. The crime rate is higher and things used to be more calm. I am glad you can make friends easier. One weird thing with me, I can barely keep up with my internet friends, got way way behind on email, so my life is unusual in that fashion. Lately I am more content, since I posted these threads, life is busy enough, have enough self-care things to do to go day by day. Have met more people, church has helped me too [on days Im able to get out] so that has helped.
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I don't think I'd be stretching anything to say that people in the U.S. have become more isolated and lonely. I feel strongly that computers, TVs, fast roads and cars, phone machines, huge supermarkets have all contributed to this. Families don't live in the same area all their lives, and people are more independant, autonomous.
I agree. I used to think because I was disabled, it was my fault, that the rest of the world was passing me by. But Ive had other people tell me they are feeling isolated and lonely or only with long distance folks and feeling disconnected from people in the world. I realize even close friends of mine from college were telling me often they were facing some of the same things.
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These are broad generalizations I know, but I see a lot of truth in them in my life and in the lives of friends.
Me too.
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Furthermore, with age, I've found I value people in general, and friends in particular more than I used to. I realize how temporal everything is, and the importance of valueing what is in this moment. I've learned that true, intimate friends, of either gender, are rare; a true intimate friend is as rare as a wonderful spouse or loving mother.
I agree with this. I probably am actually fortunate in friendship land, because I do have close friends Ive had for 25 years and even friends of 10 plus years, where I can share everything even if my friends are all long distance.
One of my friends told me once, that if you have one intimate friend, you have done better then a lot of the world.
There was this survey done a few years ago, I cant remember the title, else Id google it, but it was a quiz for Americans and their sociability, and there was quite a high percentage of those who said they had no one to confide in, and some only had 1 or 2 people to do that with.
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I'm a loner, an introvert, but I like people very much. I have excellent social skills, mainly because I just like people; I'm curious about them, enjoy their stories and personalities. Then I return to my quiet cave. Many who know me don't believe or realize that I spend most of my time alone in quiet, because I'm so friendly and a good conversationalist.
This is true of me. I need time alone. Because of health, there is no way Im going to run around everyday. One of my relatives told me they had visitors for weeks, visitors to me are fine for 3 days, no more..LOL
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Okay, that's my background context. I read this entire thread, and was concerned about you at first, then you revealed you're a writer and an artist, you have phone calls and correspondences; you have many friends, but they aren't close.
If I may say--I see a lot of richness in your life. You seem a centered and wise soul. I don't wonder if you're not going through a spiritual dark night--there are many books about that you can look up. I like Thomas Moore, former priest and therapist who is insightful.
Thanks...Yes, I do actually have quite the rich life, when it comes to those things, so you saw it right. I am close to many who are not physically here, but the friendships count the same.
Thanks for your lovely and kind post to me. Twoyearsmax.
Age 40 is nowhere near "golden years"
And it is possible for "unhealthy" people to volunteer. I've done it on crutches. I do it now with people in wheelchairs and on oxygen; with who can't walk, who are HIV positive, who limp, who have brain injuries, MS, depression, widowhood grief, etc. etc.
Yeah early 40s isnt golden years, I guess I do take my health into consideration there. Have to careful with that, met friend online who thought I was 70 by way I talked, she is too, LOL, and found out Im 30 years younger. Oh I love volunteer work, have done it most of life. If I am feeling better may even begin some again. I do some activities over the internet and other things. I had many kind people who would help me volunteer, did environmental volunteer work for 3-4 years in old town, once a week, and they understood back then if it was too cold or hot for me to be out or if I was sick in bed.
One idea I have here, I probably will be acting on soon, is reaching out to other disabled people.
WheredoIlive,
I hope things get better for you. You sound like a wonderful, nice person. Moving around is not for all. My husband is in the military and we move every 2-3 years. At first it was fun and exciting but now that are kids are getting a little older it gets harder and harder each time. Luckily I met my husband after he had had a few years in so we don't have much more before retirement
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