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My husband and I moved across country from the Midwest to the Seattle area with our 3-year-old in May. We moved for a lot of reasons, but not out of necessity - we just thought that overall, we would like this area of the country better. We thought long and hard about the decision to move because we were leaving behind all of our family and friends, but we thought it would be a good move for our little family overall.
It's been 10 months, and while we're doing well here in most respects (love the area, both have jobs, have a good housing situation, our son's school is great, have started to make some friends), we're now really struggling with missing family and friends. And we're really, really struggling with the thought that we have brought our only child to live in a location where he has no family but us. We aren't planning on having any more kids, and while I know people can make their own family out of the people they meet and become close to, our kiddo is really shy, just like his dad and I are. I'm worried he will always feel a bit lonely. And my husband and I miss our family, too. They drove us a little crazy when we were in the same town, so it was easy to say that seeing them infrequently would be better, but now that it's a reality, we're finding it really tough. We also miss the support they provided to us as parents - we have no "nights off" now. We also can't go do some of the outdoor activities in this area that attracted us to the region because our son is just not old enough or easy-going enough to do a lot of those activities, and we have no one that we feel we can leave him with. We've tried bringing him along on some of these activities, and it's usually a bit of a nightmare. So we're not even really getting to experience some of the cool stuff we moved here for, at least not yet.
Our parents came to visit us early in the fall, but we haven't been back to visit family yet, though we're planning a trip soon. Our plan is to do another gut check when we are visiting, to see if maybe we should just move back. But I'm wondering, are we giving this new place enough of a chance? Are we just in a tough spot because of how young our son still is, and if we could hold on for just a few more years, would this start to be really fun as we could take him to do more things? Do we just need to bite the bullet and start finding sitters we can trust so that we can go do other things without our son?
Even if we end up finding a way to get more "us" time without our son, and trying to be patient and give it more time until he's old enough to go do these things with us, there's still the issue of him not having any family around besides us, and not being able to form close relationships with our family due to the large distance.
Ugh, I've rambled long enough. Please, if you have any experience or advice, I'd love to hear it.
My husband and I moved across country from the Midwest with our 3-year-old in May.
We moved for a lot of reasons, but not out of necessity
...we thought it would be a good move for our little family overall.
It's been 10 months, and while we're doing well here in most respects
we're now really struggling with missing family and friends.
Please, if you have any experience or advice, I'd love to hear it.
We had our family smack dab in the middle of the country with family on both the east and west coast. No one near us. What it did was make us depend on each other, strengthened our marriage, and yes our vacations were spent traveling to see family. Or they saw us. That made our visits special and we planned more fun things.
In this instance you do give up some things but you also gain more. I never regretted living away from all our family. We joined a church and found good babysitters as well as friends and a boy scout troop for my kids to grow in. Most of the families we knew were in the same situation we were. They moved for the job and family is out of state. It was typical.
Sure we could've lived near either family, picking one or the other.. . But it would've been a pay cut and it would've been those drop in unannounced visits, their plans instead of ours, pleasing them and listening to their advice instead of consulting only the spouse.
Whatever you do, talk it out with your son, too. It sounds like he's breaking out of his shell and now has friends.
Whatever you do, talk it out with your son, too. It sounds like he's breaking out of his shell and now has friends.
I would love nothing more than to know exactly how our son feels on this, and what he'd prefer. But he's three. It's really hard to know how much he understands, and to trust that his answers on the topic are what he really feels. I know he misses his grandma and his cousins, but I don't know if that equates to him wanting us to move back to be closer to them.
I’d give your new home another year or two. Moving is expensive.
Yes, it really is! And a huge pain on top of the cost.
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Originally Posted by silibran
But you might run the numbers for living expenses for each place to see where you would be better off financially.
Where we are now is way more expensive. Our salaries are higher, but not quite high enough to offset the difference. Housing costs are insane here, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
Also, factor in school quality.
The schools in the new location overall are more highly rated, but the area we'd move back to, we would be moving into one of the best school districts there, which is rated similarly to the schools in the new location.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
Don’t make an emotional decision.
I'm really, really trying not to. It's hard, though. We've tried looking at it from the logical perspective, but I can't deny the emotional pull of missing family and friends.
The first year or so is the hardest, but as someone who moved with Dh to be closer to his family I would rather had been somewhere on our own. My dd and her family moved to another country on their own due to jobs and did great and dd said that it made them closer.
Your issues with family will still be there if you move back, so will you be able to tolerate it better now? Is your son thriving at school? Is it possible to have play dates where he can meet new friends and you can meet other mothers? Also he is not going to be 3 years old forever so he will eventually be able to do more outdoor activities as he grows.
Believe me I know homesickness is hard and it is normal, give yourself time and see how you feel in a few months.
We had no family when we had our kids. It was really hard. We found wonderful friends that became our family. We ended up moving near family when the kids got a bit older, and it was truly wonderful.
I am honestly mixed about this (as you can tell from my post). I grew up far from family and really hate that I did. I long for those family connections, I have none.
Stay put and give the Grandparents an iPad or iPhone and Facetime for all things big and small. It will help shrink the difference. Good luck to you all!
We are living in a similar way, and my only regret was having 1 child. Just realize, this is your family, your opportunity to make it special, to start your own new life. No one "influencing family decisions" from the outside is a blessing. Your child will have friends in school, and new friends when the child gets older . Seeing family is only one click away with the many video apps available now days. You can cast your callls on your wide screen tv!
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