For Those of You Who Moved to Follow Your Dreams... (home, find a job)

[canudigit]

and have elderly or aging parents...and assuming that you have a good relationship with them...what did you do about them? Did they move with you? Did you just leave them to fend for themselves as they age and need more and more help?

This is seriously a dilemma that my dh and I are facing right now. My dh recently got laid off by his employer and is looking for another job. If we could look in other areas than where we are now, it would make the search a lot easier. I am an RN and have a very good job right now, but could probably find one in most parts of the country. We have both lived in our area for our entire lives but have always had a heart for living in another region of the country.

Here's the problem: we both have elderly parents, in my case a widowed mother in her late 70s who recently had a cancer scare that, fortunately, turned out to be a false alarm but makes you think, and in his case two parents who will soon be 80 and are also developing some health issues. We love our parents very much and feel obligated to return the love and care that they gave us when we were younger, yet we are middle-aged and really feel the reality of not getting any younger and not being able to follow our hearts until we ourselves are elderly because of our obligation to our parents. Now that dh is looking for a job, it would be the most opportune time to use that as an "excuse" to move away, but the responsibility to our parents makes us hold back, even though we both want to move.

Can anyone share their personal experiences with this type of situation and how you addressed it? Were your parents willing to move with you? Did you move anyway and just keep in touch via phone, internet, and occasional visits? Did you leave behind siblings who took on more responsibility when you left, and if so, how do they feel about it?

Anything would be helpful. It's so hard to be in a situation where you aren't where you really want to be but you feel, out of love and commitment to your parents, an obligation to stay.

[Hemlock140]

We moved about 800 miles. Within 3 months we moved my widowed MIL up, and found her a nice place to live. Within a year after that my parents moved up and bought a place about
60 miles from us. They came to visit and decided to move. That was in the early 90s, and they are all still here, now ages 92, 84, and 80. Of the siblings, about half (have 8) are now here too. Lately we have made several funeral trips back but for great aunts/uncles. For us it worked out fine, but we would have left regardless, in fact no one else had committed to moving here at the time we left.

[Steve Pickering]

We have family still in the area who look after them now.

[canudigit]

Originally Posted by Hemlock140

We moved about 800 miles. Within 3 months we moved my widowed MIL up, and found her a nice place to live. Within a year after that my parents moved up and bought a place about
60 miles from us. They came to visit and decided to move. That was in the early 90s, and they are all still here, now ages 92, 84, and 80. Of the siblings, about half (have 8) are now here too. Lately we have made several funeral trips back but for great aunts/uncles. For us it worked out fine, but we would have left regardless, in fact no one else had committed to moving here at the time we left.

Sounds like it all worked out well for you. Unfortunately for us, our parents on both sides (especially my mom) are pretty deeply rooted right here and would not move with us. In my mom's case, she would just cry and complain about us leaving her. I guess my in-laws would possibly move if they were a bit younger, but at the age of 80, it truly is hard to just pull up roots, sell most of your stuff (and they have a TON of stuff!), and pack up and move to another state.

We still don't know exactly what to do at this point. The job prospects around here don't look very good for dh, as he is in his early 50s and already retired from a company where he worked for 30 years but can't collect a pension for about two more years, and even then it will only amount to about $300/week. However, he is in a field where age is not nearly as important as lots of experience and an excellent work and safety record, which he has, thank God. It's more of a location problem than an age discrimination problem in his case. We have kids in college, so between that, this less than stellar economy, and the cost of everything going up almost daily, like most people, our money doesn't go as far as it used to. We are in the process of selling an investment property here, and if it sells will have some money to reinvest in another property, but we really don't want to put our money back in this area.

As far as the other response, I do have a couple of siblings, and dh has one, who still live in this area and also help with our parents' needs, its just that I know that it will get harder and harder as they age, and I would feel like we were dumping on our siblings because they chose not to move away. I am an RN, so I see these types of family dynamics firsthand a lot working in a hospital where I care for the elderly population. The siblings left behind get left with the lion's share of the responsibility and are often at least a little bit burned out and resentful. Not saying that's the case in your family, Steve P., just saying that that is what I see a lot of. And since I am an RN and the only medical person in the family on either side, the parents on both sides do tend to lean on me for medical information and want me to go to doctors' appointments with them and such when those occasions arise.

It's a tough situation, but if dh tries to find a job here and absolutely cannot, I think we will be forced to look elsewhere, regardless of the situation at hand.

[vamos]

You have to live your own life or it will just pass you by. Remember, you only have this one! There are always reasons NOT to do something - and taking care of elderly parents is just one such factor.

My parents are certainly rather old at this point - but I haven't lived closer than a seven hour flight from them in more than twenty years. The farthest I have lived has been roughly 20 hours by plane.

My parents have always understood that I needed to be my own person and not be held down by extraneous forces - perhaps even more so since they have always been kept from doing what they wanted to do for the very same reason. To this day, my mother is mostly unable to go anywhere for an extended period of time because she fears that her own mother could die any minute. Admittedly, there is a good chance of that - she's well into her 100s! Still, the fear of not being there when her mother passes has essentially stymied any and all possibilities of going somewhere - she has never been to our home and has never seen her only grandchild at home.

In other words, my parents are very much aware of the potential burden that growing older can place on children and they are very much trying to bestow this dilemma unto me.

Instead, I drag my family on extended trips (2+ months) to their country. I don't mind too much although traveling with a smaller child isn't always the most fun.

I also have an older brother who lives with my parents but he is mentally hand-capped (although functional) and thus, not exactly the greatest help.

[Hemlock140]

My MIL was 78 when we moved her up, and what we couldn't get rid of has been in a rented storage unit now for about 6 years since she went into an adult family home. They do become attached to things, but as long as she's still around we'll keep it though she's never asked for any of it. None of them would have ever thought to move here but all are happy they did.

I agree with vamos to a degree. As long as they are capable of getting along without you they should understand, but you have to do what's best for you and your kids. As recent new grandparents we would hate for our oldest and her husband to move off with the baby
but there is a possibility for him to work in Europe and if it happened we'd understand.

[breakingbad]

I have to say that I would never leave my parents...I just love them so much that life would be boring without them. So....without a doubt they'd be packed up and moved with me!
What is life without family and loved ones?!