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I am a 25 year old British male of Libyan heritage currently residing in California and have been fortunate enough to live in a place where people accept all kinds of couples. Now I am in my mid 20s and work in finance and my fiance is a nurse. Since Libyans come in all colors from some looking very White to others looking as dark as Pakistanis, I wanted to specify. I am very dark for someone of my heritage and can be considered a visible minority due to my complexion. Spent most of my childhood and adolescence in England and came to America where I met a woman who is now my fiance.
My fiance is the exact opposite of me, she is of Swedish and German descent and is a tall blonde with blue eyes who was born and raised in California. Even here in California (more specifically San Diego), this is not something you see daily but people let us be. I don't think this commonly happens anywhere in the world let alone America.
The cost of living here in California is insane and has managed to get worse over the years. We have thought about moving elsewhere for a long time and have often visited prospective areas.
I am not that familiar with American culture let alone which areas are more tolerant and accepting. So far we visited 3 places and all 3 felt different.
We visited Oklahoma (more specifically Oklahoma City). When we were at a mall holding hands one man looked at my fiance and shouted "you shouldn't be with him!". We ignored him, he kept on venting for a few more minutes, and then stopped. Also had a lot of stares in our direction. Went to a restaurant there and the waiter came to our table, looked at us and said "what the" in an awkward way and then took our orders. He didn't seem too happy having us around.
We visited Atlanta which was not as hostile but not the same as California. In the city no one said anything until we headed out to the suburbs, there things got somewhat bad. Lots of stares and my fiance said that when I was leaving the restaurant and she stayed behind to check something one of the workers looked at her and said "he must have that oil money!" as he laughed. Outside of that an African American male I met there told me that the suburbs of Atlanta aren't the best place for the kind of couples we are. Not nearly as bad as Oklahoma City but still not near the level of California either.
We then visited Raleigh, NC which initially seemed great until we went to go eat at a restaurant there. One of the waitresses said "we don't commonly get many of your kind of couples around here" and then kept on questioning us about our relationship. She then said to my fiance right in front of me "he doesn't make you wear a hijab either, that is nice!". Then when we were visiting a museum there one middle aged woman looked at my fiance with a frown and shook her head.
In my years in California I have NEVER encountered anything like this. The visit to the 3 cities was very eye opening. Are there any places outside of California and NYC where people just don't care that much about who dates who?
I can't believe your judging an entire city by the remarks of a waitress, and the look of disapproval by a middle-aged woman. You can get that anywhere, and you can find approval anywhere...it all depends on the people you encounter. Please don't think that in California, everyone will be accepting, an that in Oklahoma, no one will be. Obviously, some areas will be more accepting, but don't paint these states as racist, with such a broad brush.
I can't believe your judging an entire city by the remarks of a waitress, and the look of disapproval by a middle-aged woman. You can get that anywhere, and you can find approval anywhere...it all depends on the people you encounter. Please don't think that in California, everyone will be accepting, an that in Oklahoma, no one will be. Obviously, some areas will be more accepting, but don't paint these states as racist, with such a broad brush.
Please. The man did not paint a whole state as racist. He described his own personal experience and nobody occupies a position to deny that. And the whole Paula Deen defensive-reflexive denial act helps excuse the failure to actively root-out bias to begin with
I can't believe your judging an entire city by the remarks of a waitress, and the look of disapproval by a middle-aged woman. You can get that anywhere, and you can find approval anywhere...it all depends on the people you encounter. Please don't think that in California, everyone will be accepting, an that in Oklahoma, no one will be. Obviously, some areas will be more accepting, but don't paint these states as racist, with such a broad brush.
Oh, please. Spare me.
As someone whose lived in California, Georgia, and Texas, I can assure you that people are much more racist and judgmental overall in Georgia and Texas than in California.
What the OP and his fiancee experienced in Georgia and Oklahoma happens all of the time in those places--and in most parts of the South, for that matter--regardless of whether you're in podunk Lawton, OK or affluent John's Creek, GA.
People on the West Coast simple don't harbor the same racial prejudices as those in the South. Furthermore, even if a Californian harbored strong racial prejudices, you'd probably never know, as people on the West Coast rarely vocalize their true feelings and emotions unlike people in the East, many of whom let whatever hits the brain slip out the mouth.
I can say having lived in the more affluent areas of Atlanta and currently residing in Oklahoma due to having a better opportunity here that the kind of couple OP and his girlfriend are described as would be like seeing a unicorn at least in Atlanta. We have a sizable population of South Asians who look like what the OP describes himself to be, a lot of them grow up alongside the White population in the wealthy suburbs of the city but the invisible line of interracial dating is never crossed. You won't see much interracial dating going on.
When I was taking a vacation to California I was a bit thrown off at the amount of interracial dating that went on between White women and men who looked foreign. I didn't find anything wrong with it but it did seem a bit different, two completely different worlds.
It isn't because of racism either, a lot of these girls have friends from different backgrounds and everything but they just don't go out of the expected. OP will definitely receive a lot of unwelcomed attention in the suburbs of Atlanta.
As for OP, go to any areas near Washington DC and Maryland. I did see a few couples involving White women with Middle Eastern looking men.
My (white) family moved to Raleigh last summer. While I wouldn't call it a paradise free from racism, I've seen a *lot* of mixed-race couples down here, and I see mixed-race kids on the playground almost every time I go. That's not to say things are perfect -- our cousins were telling us how they once went out with a mixed-race couple they know and didn't get served at a restaurant at all until they finally got up and left, but I got the impression that this was many years ago. I wonder if you'd share the name (or just the location) of the restaurant where you made such an impression on the waitress that she had to tell you about it. Even further out in the country a bit, I see mixed-race couples and it doesn't seem like a big deal (but again, I'm white, so I'm only seeing it all second-hand).
Anyway, if you're looking for a relatively cheap, somewhat progressive and fairly tolerant city, I would give Raleigh another try. One thing I've noticed here, compared to Boston (where I lived for many years) is that even when you get outside the city, the suburbs and exurbs are still pretty diverse. In Massachusetts, you can be five miles outside of city limits in a town with 2% black residents. And don't kid yourself, there is plenty of racism in Massachusetts, and plenty of people who will give a mixed-race couple the hairy eyeball (especially a mixed-race immigrant couple), they're just less likely to say anything to your face up there.
Thank you everyone for answering my question and taking the time to share your experiences.
In Atlanta and Raleigh I did see interracial couples but it was mainly White men with Asian women and occasionally Black men with White women. Here in California I see Latino and Asian men date White women regularly, no one makes a big deal about it because a Latino with a White female is so common here. A lot of those Latinos share some traits that I have (skin color, hair color, and eye color).
Maybe that is why we were met with unwelcome attitudes there or we just happened to run into a lot of the wrong people. I am sure most people in those states do not hold those attitudes and we did meet some good people but it is just that some of the discomfort we encountered is something we don't run into in California.
If everything else is good and cost of living is reasonable we could see ourselves moving to either Atlanta or Raleigh but Oklahoma seemed to be a bit too much.
Simple. Stick to the biggest cities where there are lots of different people to get lost in the crowd with: Chicago, Minneapolis, Houston, Miami, Washington DC, Boston...
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