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I left home when I was 30. And yes, I did that to make a large down payment on a house and for financial security. I never much liked the idea of living in an apartment, whether by myself or with roommates. It's hard to play in a band in a situation like that.
You could have done what 90% of band folks do - get a cheap, crappy house with a bunch of dudes chipping in and practice in the basement/extra room. Or get a real job and buy/rent a house but go practice at someone's else's house like I did. I know it's common in some other cultures, but I can never get behind someone living at home until his 30s. Totally stunts adult growth. Creepy. I've never seen that end well. I have few prejudices, but that's definitely one. People need to grow up and become functioning individuals.
I suppose it's OK to live at home for a few years, but not much longer than that. But these days, more and more people are staying at home throughout college because it's the smart thing to do.
Location: New Albany, Indiana (Greater Louisville)
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Economically it's hard to live alone at age 18 because of sky high car insurance plus being at the lowest end of the pay scale. The only way it's possible is through student loans which bite you later in life.
In general I'd tell the op to pull away if the situation is that frustrating. My family situation stinks and I've cut back on how often I visit. Not cold turkey but it keeps the annoying stuff further from mind.
Hi all - very interested in input from strangers on this topic.
My little half-brother is 28 years-old and never left home. He is preparing to move out shortly.
My brother was 18 when our dad passed away... after being sick for 7 years prior to that. After bro graduated high school - he wanted no parts of college. Still my stepmom wanted to help him, since me and my 2 older brothers had received some financial help from my dad. She felt bad that he now didn't have that help. (Though our uncle bought him a new car fee and clear. ) So stepmom allowed him to continue living at home, rent-free, for years so he could save a nest egg for himself. I thought this was very nice.
BUT - my little bro also has an entitled chip on his shoulder with a bad anger problem. Was often so verbally disrespectful to both my parents, which used to anger me and we'd fight. My stepmom is very passive, had hard time dealing with him, and ultimately just let him be that way.
So he and I recently had a huge fight. In a nutshell: He is basically bitter that he has had to help my stepmom with housing costs. His bills were cable and lawn mowers... in addition to chipping in on some general housing repairs over the years whenever she couldn't afford it. That's it. Reminder: he's been living at home for TEN years and didn't work at all for 2 of those years.
He acts like me and my older brothers were "given" money...and he didn't get anything. (Yet he now has $50,000 saved in the bank, due to living in a nearly-rent free environment for a decade.) AND my stepmom has agreed to pay him back cash for the housing repairs he chipped in on, after she sells the house. And it's getting ready to go on market. He knows this.
I just don't agree with this at all. To me - that's a gift and opportunity to be given a free or reduced rate place to stay so you can save. Isn't being given a lump sum of money - essentially the same as being given a free place to stay long-term? I mean, ok, the first option might be more convenient...but still.
Thoughts on this?
I wished all I had to worry about was a cable bill, and the lawn getting mowed a few months a year, I would be on easy street. And your stepmom shouldn't have to repay him anything for helping out with home repairs. He is an adult with a job and still living at home, he should feel obligated to help out with whatever is needed around the house. And depending on what it is, he should take care of it himself. Stepmom is not going to live forever you know, sooner or later he will have to grow up. Sounds like he needs to be by himself anyway, if his anger problem is as bad as you say.
You're definitely not being too hard on him. He badly needs to grow up, and it won't happen in his case so long as he can stay at home and not learn what it means to completely pay his own way.
Both sides of my family had adult kids living at home indefinitely - but in each case, the situation couldn't have been more different from the one you describe. My uncle (who never married) lived at home on the family farm after his stint in the Navy. He simply saw no reason to get his own place when he could live at home and help his parents as they aged. But he wasn't a mooch - he worked as a picture framer, and in the latter years it was his income which was paying the lion's share of the bills, and of course he did most of the physical chores on the property.
My aunt on the other side of the family was divorced and living in her own home when her neighborhood went into a steep decline and became unsafe. The same decline was happening in her mother's neighborhood as well. So the two of them got together, did some math, and realized that if they each sold their house and pooled their money, they could afford to buy a single larger house in a much nicer neighborhood. And so they did, and my aunt and my grandmother lived together in that house until my grandmother's death. My aunt was working full time as a schoolteacher for all of that time, and of course she was paying most of the bills. So, not a mooch, and the arrangement was sensible and worked out very well. (It's probably the major reason my grandmother was able to stay at home until literally the final day of her life.)
And I see no problem with young people who move back home so they can save money for a house, or go to college or grad school more cheaply. That's only sensible, as long as they are doing their fair share of helping to run the household.
Failure to Launch is a completely different thing, and decidedly Not OK. After all, Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be there forever, so Junior MUST eventually learn how to become a full adult and take care of himself. There's little that's more tragic than the situation these adult-but-not-grown children find themselves in their parents DO finally die and they have to face the world on their own for the first time as a middle-aged or even elderly person with no coping skills.
Yes those situations are completely different...and respectable at that.
I wished all I had to worry about was a cable bill, and the lawn getting mowed a few months a year, I would be on easy street. And your stepmom shouldn't have to repay him anything for helping out with home repairs. He is an adult with a job and still living at home, he should feel obligated to help out with whatever is needed around the house. And depending on what it is, he should take care of it himself. Stepmom is not going to live forever you know, sooner or later he will have to grow up. Sounds like he needs to be by himself anyway, if his anger problem is as bad as you say.
Yes completely agree about the fact he should feel obligated although he doesn't seem to view it that way. In our latest fight last week, after he went off on me with his "I'm-a-Victim...I didn't get anything and you guys got everything" spiel.... he then berated me for even questioning his contributions at all, proclaiming/complaining how his help with the bills, housing repairs, and the "thousands" he's spent on step mom's Christmas gifts... all equal rent for ten years. I just don't see how that's possible considering he didn't work at all for a couple years after graduating.
I really wish I could find out the tally of everything he paid for, just to call him out on it. But stepmom knows we're feuding and probably won't provide it. $96,000 is my rough calculation of base rent + utilities for a roommate situation in that area for the past ten years, and obviously more if he lived alone. That's roughly what he would have paid if he was out on his own.
Yes completely agree about the fact he should feel obligated although he doesn't seem to view it that way. In our latest fight last week, after he went off on me with his "I'm-a-Victim...I didn't get anything and you guys got everything" spiel.... he then berated me for even questioning his contributions at all, proclaiming/complaining how his help with the bills, housing repairs, and the "thousands" he's spent on step mom's Christmas gifts... all equal rent for ten years. I just don't see how that's possible considering he didn't work at all for a couple years after graduating.
I really wish I could find out the tally of everything he paid for, just to call him out on it. But stepmom knows we're feuding and probably won't provide it. $96,000 is my rough calculation of base rent + utilities for a roommate situation in that area for the past ten years, and obviously more if he lived alone. That's roughly what he would have paid if he was out on his own.
I don't think he is telling you the truth about that. I would see what you can get out of your stepmom.
My brother lived at home until he was almost 22 but even at the young age he was sort of a failure to launch. He went to community college and got an associate's degree and then continued to work at his high school part-time job for about a year and a half until my parents gave him the ultimatium: either go get a full-time job and save up to move out soon or go to college, or we kick you out. The family made it very clear that he should move out by dropping hints. My uncle would tell stories about living his young adult life on his own and how awesome it was. The hints got more serious and direct as I moved to another city to attend college while he still lived at home, and I'm the youngest. Eventually my brother decided to get a full-time job and my parents helped him find one. They also helped him find an apartment and gave him half of their furniture, and also helped on the initial deposit since he just started working at the time. They continue to help him still financially to a small degree. I don't expect to get any help from my parents now that they have gotten annoyed with my brother in this regard.
My brother is sort of a homebody I guess. He talks about moving to Los Angeles all the time but I don't think he ever will since he doesn't give the effort needed to make a move like that. When looking for full-time work he only applied to places he knew people working at, for an example. And I don't think my brother knows anyone in Los Angeles who could help him find work. And his apartment is in the same neighborhood we spent our childhood in, but at least he's on his own.
I'm guessing your brother might be similar to mine. And it appears you have already tried your efforts to entice him to move out. The only option I can suggest is to get your step mom to give him the ultimatum. Really she is the only one that can do anything about the situation except your brother.
My thoughts -- the little brother lacks character. That will not serve him well in his life. There really isn't anything you can do about it.
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