Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was wondering if anyone had experience with this...so I have an 18 month old son and a younger brother who has a history of drug use (he is better now) but ever since he was younger they have always prioritized him over almost everything I had done. They even got mad at my choices during my engagement, wedding, sons christening, and basically any event that they felt my choice was not “fair” to my brother. Now that I have a wonderful family and they had become grandparents, the trend is still happening.
My sibling recently had a stint in the hospital due to some psychotic episodes, and was released after a few weeks due to an improvement in his behavior. A week later he had another mental break and was readmitted. Long story short he was scheduled to be released this week. I had nicely and calmly expressed my concern to my sons grandparents that I was weary having his uncle who was just released from a psych ward, and that had a psychotic break only weeks before, coming around my son so soon, and should maybe wait a few days to see how he is since his medicine has changed and I don’t know how he will be once he is out.
When I told him this right away they got defensive and felt like I was being unreasonable asking for that. The more I talk the more I felt that they were downplaying how serious this was, and sarcastically told me, you can do what you want, and then shortly hung up after I said goodbye.
It’s been a week since I’ve talked to them, and I am sure they think they have done nothing wrong. This has been going on for every situation that involves my sibling and I am frankly fed up, now that their limited view is possibly affecting my sons safety. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Thanks for reading.
First, I recommend you ask this post be moved to non-romantic relationships. This isn't really the correct forum for it in my opinion. At the heart of it, it's about your relationship with your parents and your brother and about being an adult that makes your own decisions for yourself and your son.
One of the reasons I say this is because you never once call them "my parents." You refer to them as your son's grandparents. That says a lot.
It's certainly natural to expect your parents to show greater interest and concern for what is best for you son. Many of us have a idealistic vision of what a grandparent should be. My guess is that you hoped your parents would stop the pattern of putting your brother and his needs first. I think that was an unrealistic hope. The pattern is long established that others take lower priority. I understand the hope and probably the emotional hurt. It probably feels like your son's needs are now being rejected in a way similar to how your needs were rejected. I'm also sure that it's stirring up some old resentments and sadness for you. I guess I wonder why you thought it would be different with your son or was it just a dream/hope?
I don't think waiting to see your brother with your son was unreasonable necessarily. I don't know what your brother's behavior was. That said, did your brother pose a physical danger to your son? I emphasis physical danger as any single "upsetting" incident around your brother would probably not be remembered by your son.
Only you can decide the role your parents will play in your future. This is why I suggest a different forum as others that have experienced these kinds of issues with parents are more likely to respond. Stand firm to your decisions regarding your son and focus on the family YOU have created.
Thank you for your response. Sorry for posting here, I will move to the location you said. At this point I fully agree with standing by my parenting decisions, as you said it is for the best interest in my family. Thank you again.
Can't you just not invite your brother to your home until you know that his medications are working?
Hi Germaine,
That is my stance right now,to wait until I see he is ok on his medications, but unfortunately grandparents cannot see the reasoning for my decision. To be honest the only time my brother comes around is either with my parents, or if my family goes to their house for a visit.
I think things will work themselves out, but I was curious if anyone else was ever in this situation. It’s hard to even describe the situation to others sometimes. Thanks.
That is my stance right now,to wait until I see he is ok on his medications, but unfortunately grandparents cannot see the reasoning for my decision. To be honest the only time my brother comes around is either with my parents, or if my family goes to their house for a visit.
I think things will work themselves out, but I was curious if anyone else was ever in this situation. It’s hard to even describe the situation to others sometimes. Thanks.
IMHO, your parents do not have to "see the reasoning" with your decision. He is your child so you and your spouse make all the decisions on who he sees and under what circumstances he sees them.
I have a relative who is an alcoholic. His son has said that his children (the grandchildren) will never be alone with him, will never ride in a car when he is driving, will neverspend a night at his house --- even if he is sober. Does it make grandma & grandpa unhappy? Heck, yes. But the parents have the ultimate responsibility for the safety of their child. Their child---their rules.
I have a 15 year old, 6’3” & 220 lb son with severe autism. Puberty has been ... quite the adventure. In a Mortal Combat sort of way.
I also have 4 grandchildren, ages 10, 6, 4 & 2. My son is not medicated, so it’s not a “wait & see” type of issue; it’s literally a day by day & sometimes hour by hour ongoing assessment that governs whether or not I feel his behaviors are stable enough for the little guys to be around him. If he has had a low tolerance threshold all day long, is moody or even just “loud”; I hold off. Everyone in my family knows what I mean when I say; “It’s one of those days”.
Honestly, I’d feel embarrassed if a family member expressed concern for the safety of a little guy that I hadn’t realized first. I think (hope) my family trusts my intuition & experience because I’ve never been second guessed.
Plus; I want my son to be welcomed by everybody & if some are afraid of him or resent him that won’t happen. I think he will have a “leveling off” period after a few more years, so this isn’t forever. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s not like you said; “never ever” just; “not right now”.
I have a 15 year old, 6’3” & 220 lb son with severe autism. Puberty has been ... quite the adventure. In a Mortal Combat sort of way.
I also have 4 grandchildren, ages 10, 6, 4 & 2. My son is not medicated, so it’s not a “wait & see” type of issue; it’s literally a day by day & sometimes hour by hour ongoing assessment that governs whether or not I feel his behaviors are stable enough for the little guys to be around him. If he has had a low tolerance threshold all day long, is moody or even just “loud”; I hold off. Everyone in my family knows what I mean when I say; “It’s one of those days”.
Honestly, I’d feel embarrassed if a family member expressed concern for the safety of a little guy that I hadn’t realized first. I think (hope) my family trusts my intuition & experience because I’ve never been second guessed.
Plus; I want my son to be welcomed by everybody & if some are afraid of him or resent him that won’t happen. I think he will have a “leveling off” period after a few more years, so this isn’t forever. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s not like you said; “never ever” just; “not right now”.
Hi coschristi,
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am sorry to hear about your troubles raising him. It is nice to see your perspective on a similar situation from a more experienced parent. Exactly as you said, it is more of a temporary situation just to make sure that he will be responsible enough to take his medication now and in the future, and also not have any incidents. You seem to have a great relationship with your family understanding your situation, and respect you for not pushing your son on to others if the time is not right; I am just hoping that my parents will feel the same way in the future.
IMHO, your parents do not have to "see the reasoning" with your decision. He is your child so you and your spouse make all the decisions on who he sees and under what circumstances he sees them.
I have a relative who is an alcoholic. His son has said that his children (the grandchildren) will never be alone with him, will never ride in a car when he is driving, will neverspend a night at his house --- even if he is sober. Does it make grandma & grandpa unhappy? Heck, yes. But the parents have the ultimate responsibility for the safety of their child. Their child---their rules.
You are 100% right - I have always been very easy going in terms of rules with my son and his grandparents, and never really wanted to rock the boat and have to deal with the attitude and questioning over a decision I make.
After really thinking about some other situations in the past, I realize now that every time I made a decision involving my brother that did not seem right in their eyes, I have been stepped over or disagreed with and given a bunch of attitude or silent treatment. Now that this situation can possibly involve the safety of my family I am finally putting my foot down. It was in a sense a wake up call for me to realize I do not have to feel bad with the decisions I make. I have enough stress in my life as i'm sure everyone else does lol.
IMHO, your parents do not have to "see the reasoning" with your decision. He is your child so you and your spouse make all the decisions on who he sees and under what circumstances he sees them.
I have a relative who is an alcoholic. His son has said that his children (the grandchildren) will never be alone with him, will never ride in a car when he is driving, will neverspend a night at his house --- even if he is sober. Does it make grandma & grandpa unhappy? Heck, yes. But the parents have the ultimate responsibility for the safety of their child. Their child---their rules.
I had this situation with my MIL. Her driving the kids or being alone with them was completely out of the question. If we went to her house and she was drunk we left immediately. If she arrived at our house drunk, my husband drove her home.
She bad mouthed us to family and friends claiming we didn’t like it when she had one drink. Fortunately everyone knew she spent most of her time drunk and understood why we had the rules we did.
OP - You do what’s best for your son. Don’t spend a minute worrying what anyone thinks about it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
