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Thank you, you’re right. Both kids do sleepovers “just because “ and are still enjoying spending time with us. I know my focus should be on that and not my relationship with my daughter. Honestly those kids mean the world to me, but I hadn’t realized how strongly attached they are. I think I’m not ready to be a long distance grandmother. And regardless of feeling used by my daughter at times, my relationship with those kids mean too much to me.
I can wait a few years or forever if needed. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
I would postpone the move for a year or two. Sounds like the grandkids have an important bond to you. In todays busy world, that's important. It could make all the difference in shaping their lives.
I have posted previously about my relationship with my 6 year old granddaughter and my almost 9 year old grandson. They have lived near us in Miami since birth. I’m used to seeing them pretty regularly although lately more so for babysitting when daughter and her husband want a date night or when they need to be picked up from school.
I don’t feel I have the greatest relationship with my daughter, although I’m not sure why. She can go weeks without communicating with me, other than if she needs babysitting, for weeks at a time . Although she lives close by, I rarely see her. I have been pretty ill without a call from DD inquiring as to how I am. It’s sad for me but I know from reading the forums that this is not too unusual these days. We do share in babysitting with her in laws, who are also very involved with our grandkids.
I have been wanting to move to Central Florida for many years now, I don’t like Miami, but I don’t know if it’s because I have a “grass is greener” mentality or some idealized notion of living in a smaller city.
DH and I are not very socially active either, other than with extended family, many live between 1-4 hours away. My 2 sisters locally work full time and although we speak daily, we only see each other at family functions. This is a long way of explaining that my retirement “idea”’had been to move to a small city in Central Florida where my youngest sister lives. I should add that my 2 sisters locally are relocating to this same city within a few years. DH doesn’t care where we live, he’s perfectly satisfied to remain locally or move, so this would be on me.
It’s close to Disney World, Tampa and other vacation locations and DD and her family travel there often as she and her husband take the kids, to the parks there or just go visit my youngest sister and her family there.
So DH and I have been seriously discussing whether to relocate there, while we’re young enough and in good health, sometime next year, after our current home is ready for sale. My little granddaughter heard me talking to youngest sister about our plans and became very sad to the point of tears.
I’m devastated, because I adore my grandkids and am unsure whether I’m considering doing is the right thing for us. Given that they so often go to Central Florida, and the fact that it’s not a mayor commute for us, to return for parties, games and school events regularly I didn’t think she would take it to heart, as she did.
Now I’m torn. We talked about that they could spend spring break with us, come for summer and we’d be visiting back and forth at least monthly and she was calmer, but insists she will miss me too much. To be honest there’s no particular reason that I need to move to this area, other than I’ve always have the idea that I would like to. I have no experience of living there, other than visiting regularly with my sisters family.
At this point, I’m so torn I feel like canceling the whole thing and just hanging around until she’s no longer interested in being with me. Any advice?
The bolded is the most important paragraph in the posting, even though it's the shortest. Until the OP can determine that the move itself will make her life better or at least easier, why bother. If, on the other hand, she is contemplating a move simply to send a message, whatever that message is, it will surely backfire. Other than saying she and her husband have been discussing the subject she says nothing about how he feels about moving. Isn't that at all important?
When I have shared with people the fact that my daughter won't answer my calls, etc., by young women around her age - but of a different culture - they are shocked. They tell me they call their mothers every day to just chat or ask for advice. And driving 30 minutes or a couple of hours to see them would be done at least every weekend.
Where I grew up and live now, it can take that long just to get across town in traffic. And my own parents took us to see grandparents or other elderly relatives nearly every weekend in cars without air conditioning and four kids.
I think it's a shift in our culture and I think part of it is our own fault. I think kids of divorced parents were spoiled, for one thing.
But, I see these "children" having plenty of time for social media, but no time to call Mom. It's sad. Because, they're training their own kids how to treat them when their own kids grow up. I dunno, maybe they just won't have any angst, themselves, about moving where they want to move, regardless of their own grandkids, though.
Some families used to get together every weekend. Others not so much.
My parents moved away from both families, and we saw one grandmother once growing up and the other one twice. This was the situation with most of the families who lived around us.
I have posted previously about my relationship with my 6 year old granddaughter and my almost 9 year old grandson. They have lived near us in Miami since birth. I’m used to seeing them pretty regularly although lately more so for babysitting when daughter and her husband want a date night or when they need to be picked up from school.
I don’t feel I have the greatest relationship with my daughter, although I’m not sure why. She can go weeks without communicating with me, other than if she needs babysitting, for weeks at a time . Although she lives close by, I rarely see her. I have been pretty ill without a call from DD inquiring as to how I am. It’s sad for me but I know from reading the forums that this is not too unusual these days. We do share in babysitting with her in laws, who are also very involved with our grandkids.
I have been wanting to move to Central Florida for many years now, I don’t like Miami, but I don’t know if it’s because I have a “grass is greener” mentality or some idealized notion of living in a smaller city.
DH and I are not very socially active either, other than with extended family, many live between 1-4 hours away. My 2 sisters locally work full time and although we speak daily, we only see each other at family functions. This is a long way of explaining that my retirement “idea”’had been to move to a small city in Central Florida where my youngest sister lives. I should add that my 2 sisters locally are relocating to this same city within a few years. DH doesn’t care where we live, he’s perfectly satisfied to remain locally or move, so this would be on me.
It’s close to Disney World, Tampa and other vacation locations and DD and her family travel there often as she and her husband take the kids, to the parks there or just go visit my youngest sister and her family there.
So DH and I have been seriously discussing whether to relocate there, while we’re young enough and in good health, sometime next year, after our current home is ready for sale. My little granddaughter heard me talking to youngest sister about our plans and became very sad to the point of tears.
I’m devastated, because I adore my grandkids and am unsure whether I’m considering doing is the right thing for us. Given that they so often go to Central Florida, and the fact that it’s not a mayor commute for us, to return for parties, games and school events regularly I didn’t think she would take it to heart, as she did.
Now I’m torn. We talked about that they could spend spring break with us, come for summer and we’d be visiting back and forth at least monthly and she was calmer, but insists she will miss me too much. To be honest there’s no particular reason that I need to move to this area, other than I’ve always have the idea that I would like to. I have no experience of living there, other than visiting regularly with my sisters family.
At this point, I’m so torn I feel like canceling the whole thing and just hanging around until she’s no longer interested in being with me. Any advice?
Advice has ranged from hang around for a few years to do when it is best for you and your husband.
From a traffic standpoint, moving from a big city to a small town for retirement makes perfect sense. Before long, you will avoid busy times, then busy roads, and finally you end up putting your life and other's at risk as you drive on roads that you know longer have the reaction time for safety.
From the standpoint of socialization, moving to a small town might be a good move. Clearly, you can't depend on your sisters to meet all your social needs, and small towns often have volunteer endeavors where you can get to know kindred spirits.
Sounds like you've made the decision to move, just can't decide when.
What about waiting until your sisters move?
That way you can all look for places that will make it easier to see one another and your granddaughter will be a few years older and better able to travel on her own to spend time with you.
When I have shared with people the fact that my daughter won't answer my calls, etc., by young women around her age - but of a different culture - they are shocked. They tell me they call their mothers every day to just chat or ask for advice. And driving 30 minutes or a couple of hours to see them would be done at least every weekend.
Where I grew up and live now, it can take that long just to get across town in traffic. And my own parents took us to see grandparents or other elderly relatives nearly every weekend in cars without air conditioning and four kids.
I think it's a shift in our culture and I think part of it is our own fault. I think kids of divorced parents were spoiled, for one thing.
But, I see these "children" having plenty of time for social media, but no time to call Mom. It's sad. Because, they're training their own kids how to treat them when their own kids grow up. I dunno, maybe they just won't have any angst, themselves, about moving where they want to move, regardless of their own grandkids, though.
There’s a reason why she won’t talk to you and you said it best...”it’s our (your) own fault”.
Like many mothers, my mother had little interest in talking or spending time with me. She talked with her friends at work and over the phone. Other than directing me to cleaning and childcare tasks, she had little interest in me or my thoughts.
Until I headed out into the world. Then she wanted to talk constantly. Mostly complaints about my siblings or my Dad.
As she got older, she wanted to sit on a swing together, sit next to one another on the sofa, hold hands and chat. A little of that goes a long ways.
I was damn strange. When I was home and we could have spent endless hours playing and talking, she was not interested.
Once I was an older, it was like I had a duty to be her friend and confidant. She raised me and I owed it to her.
Not saying this is what happens with other mothers and daughters. But it is worth considering.
Like many mothers, my mother had little interest in talking or spending time with me. She talked with her friends at work and over the phone. Other than directing me to cleaning and childcare tasks, she had little interest in me or my thoughts.
Until I headed out into the world. Then she wanted to talk constantly. Mostly complaints about my siblings or my Dad.
Sounds like my mother. I was supposed to be her silent listener, because God knows she had no other use for me.
She forgot that I know her as only someone who grows up in her household could. I know she is spiteful, starts fights, holds grudges and makes sure everyone knows she has never been treated with the deference that is her due. I also know it stems from deep insecurity. I still don't want her in my life.
Quote:
Not saying this is what happens with other mothers and daughters. But it is worth considering.
Until I headed out into the world. Then she wanted to talk constantly. Mostly complaints about my siblings or my Dad.
As she got older, she wanted to sit on a swing together, sit next to one another on the sofa, hold hands and chat. A little of that goes a long ways.
I was damn strange. When I was home and we could have spent endless hours playing and talking, she was not interested.
Once I was an older, it was like I had a duty to be her friend and confidant. She raised me and I owed it to her.
Not saying this is what happens with other mothers and daughters. But it is worth considering.
Very true - at least with my mother.
OP, does your daughter work? If so, she may be overwhelmed by her schedule. Literally, she may not have an extra minute in her day.
Secondly, is your daughter a cold person? She may be as distanced to her children as she is with you.
If this is the case, it is more important for you to stay.
My sister is always talking about how she wants me to move closer to her. She send me real estate listing from her town. In fact, as nice as this sounds, we wouldn't spend time together. We are just too different, have different hobbies and interest, and vastly different opinions. It sounds nice, but moving to her area is a recipe for disaster.
Thank you, you’re right. Both kids do sleepovers “just because “ and are still enjoying spending time with us. I know my focus should be on that and not my relationship with my daughter. Honestly those kids mean the world to me, but I hadn’t realized how strongly attached they are. I think I’m not ready to be a long distance grandmother. And regardless of feeling used by my daughter at times, my relationship with those kids mean too much to me.
I can wait a few years or forever if needed. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
agree
I have been a long distance grandma and it takes considerable considerable effort on the part of both sets of adults to enable the grandparent-grandchild relationship. If your daughter is (probably) to busy to reach out then you will find the distance only increases the emotional distance.
So stay where you are for now until your grandchildren have reached the time in life where they are more interested in other things. Then you can plan activities as appropriate.
If your daughter is (probably) to busy to reach out then you will find the distance only increases the emotional distance.
Exactly.
If her daughter is "too busy" to take a phone call, she can't be counted on to set up or accept Skype calls etc that have been suggested here.
Besides, OP admits that the grandkids do have sleepovers "just because," not ONLY for babysitting as initially described. That's not going to be as easy when she moves.
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