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Old 06-09-2019, 09:00 AM
 
6,421 posts, read 3,918,078 times
Reputation: 17146

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She's 6 years old. She doesn't understand the nuances. All she hears is that you're moving away, and she thinks that means she will never see you again. (You have no idea what's behind it, maybe she's read a lot of books featuring kids whose friends move away and they're lonely and she thinks it's going to be like that, or something. Or she thinks it's her fault. Or whatever.) Or maybe, like many kids, she simply doesn't like change. But she'll survive. Meanwhile, live the life you want to live; it's your retirement. You don't know how life will go in the future or what will happen with your health, so as the song says, "live for today." Don't assume that in five or ten years you'll still be able to do everything you want to.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
That's the thing ... OP has mentioned many times that her daughter is "busy." My parents used to do that as well. They even said out loud, "We know you're busy, so we aren't going to call you. We will leave it up to you to call."

It puts ALL the pressure of taking the initiative to reach out on the daughter, which doesn't sound like a big deal and makes it easy to say from them on, "She only calls when she needs babysitting."

But guess what ... you know when you need babysitting? When you're BUSY.

It's like this endless cycle of guessing, miscommunicating, guilt and blame. And it sucks.

Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, grandma, so hopefully you are reaching out to your daughter at times that you know aren't crunch times (dinner, morning get-out-the-door) and at least trying to share that emotional load of taking the initiative.
Usually I find that when people say they're too "busy" to communicate with or see me, what they mean is, "I'm not any busier than I ever was, I just don't want to make the time." People who are truly "busy" at the moment, rather than just "too busy for you," will make the time to call or visit later when they are not so busy.

And one can only reach out to another person so often before one becomes annoying.

The daughter is too "busy" to make sure her mom is okay, but not too "busy" to call when she wants something. Maybe it's time for OP to be "busy," too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
The bolded is the most important paragraph in the posting, even though it's the shortest. Until the OP can determine that the move itself will make her life better or at least easier, why bother. If, on the other hand, she is contemplating a move simply to send a message, whatever that message is, it will surely backfire. Other than saying she and her husband have been discussing the subject she says nothing about how he feels about moving. Isn't that at all important?
Yes, she does, actually:

Quote:
Originally Posted by mercedesmarcelina158 View Post
DH doesn’t care where we live, he’s perfectly satisfied to remain locally or move, so this would be on me.
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Old 06-09-2019, 09:09 AM
 
155 posts, read 118,603 times
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Thanks everyone for all your responses. My relationship with my daughter is not really the issue. She has been that way all her life and I don’t expect her to change, I love her and she loves me, even if we are very different people.

My main concern was my two little grandchildren, whom, as I have stated, I love and care for deeply. My sisters will not be moving to that particular area for a few more years, even though they have houses there. I have decided to stick it out here for a few more years, and enjoy my grandchildren.

Thanks for all your comments and responses.
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Old 06-09-2019, 09:51 AM
 
734 posts, read 837,384 times
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It's usually the other way around, grandparents not wanting their kids or grandkids to move.
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Old 06-09-2019, 10:23 AM
 
15,499 posts, read 10,440,480 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercedesmarcelina158 View Post
Thanks everyone for all your responses. My relationship with my daughter is not really the issue. She has been that way all her life and I don’t expect her to change, I love her and she loves me, even if we are very different people.

My main concern was my two little grandchildren, whom, as I have stated, I love and care for deeply. My sisters will not be moving to that particular area for a few more years, even though they have houses there. I have decided to stick it out here for a few more years, and enjoy my grandchildren.

Thanks for all your comments and responses.
Yes, good for you.
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Old 06-09-2019, 12:32 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
33,942 posts, read 22,461,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elan View Post
I would postpone the move for a year or two. Sounds like the grandkids have an important bond to you. In todays busy world, that's important. It could make all the difference in shaping their lives.
I agree with the above. I moved back home when my son was a year old and, though it was hard at first, I was so glad I did.

My Mom ended up dying of cancer when my son was 6. But, before that, she made such a difference in his life. I was working and stressed and she helped so much. She would call and ask if she could take him to the movies. She had her number programmed into his 'doggie' phone. He would call and ask if he could come to her house instead of going to daycare on days when he . ... just didn't want to go. He loved her so much and vice versa. She made me a better parent. She believed that every child needs one person that thinks he can do no wrong - she was that person for him.

She did, indeed, shape his life.
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Old 06-09-2019, 05:53 PM
 
11,025 posts, read 7,797,253 times
Reputation: 23702
[quote=K12144;55382052]

Yes, she does, actually

Quote:
Originally Posted by mercedesmarcelina158
DH doesn’t care where we live, he’s perfectly satisfied to remain locally or move, so this would be on me.

QUOTE]

That sounds rather dismissive although I suppose it is possible that an adult man has no preferences whatsoever in where and with whom he spends his life.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:11 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
24,204 posts, read 19,122,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
That sounds rather dismissive although I suppose it is possible that an adult man has no preferences whatsoever in where and with whom he spends his life.
I think it's more about whether they make this move now, or in another few years, and he's ok either way. Which doesn't sound that outlandish to me, since presumably like most things, there are pros and cons about each choice and he is deferring to OP who seems to have stronger feelings about it all.

I know couples who made even more substantive life choices on the same basis, such as letting the spouse who felt more strongly one way or the other decide whether or not they would have children.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:45 PM
 
Location: USA
2,861 posts, read 1,137,456 times
Reputation: 6476
It appears I'm late to the party, OP, as you've made your decision. Congratulations. Having said that, reserve the right to change your mind. Live the life you love, and love the life you live.
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Old 06-09-2019, 06:54 PM
 
Location: On a Long Island in NY
7,801 posts, read 10,085,987 times
Reputation: 7366
My advice as a younger person: stick around for a few more years before making the move. Your granddaughter will cherish those years. I was fortunate enough to have both sets of grandparents living locally and it resulted in many happy memories that I wouldn't have been able to get via phone calls, letters, and a once a year visit. Yes, nowadays we have Skype, Facebook, etc but that can't replace face to face contact.

I understand that many factors go into moving and that older people often have a tough time in high cost of living areas on a fixed/limited income but this whole 'distant grandparent relationship' is one of the big factors in the destruction of our society. I'm a believer that children do best growing up in an environment where they have not just parents, but grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins, etc whom they see on a frequent basis.
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Old 06-12-2019, 04:57 AM
 
Location: Texas
3,576 posts, read 2,181,623 times
Reputation: 4129
I love my grandchildren. I enjoy being with them. My husband is helping our oldest grandchild learn to drive. It has been fun watching him learn to drive. My granddaughter just makes my day. They are both special needs so I will never move away from them. They are teenagers and still love coming to our house. Someday they will be too busy for us then if we want to move we will. But truthfully I don't care where I live, I have moved all over the world one place is just as good as another.
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