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The one I don't like is "Well if there is anything I can do"
Sure, how about paving my driveway? Come to my house and clean for me while I grieve?
You're not actually going to do anything you can for this person.
The other is "So sorry for your loss". Did you play a part in it? Why are you sorry if you didn't do anything to cause it?
I gotta admit, I've had a problem with many of these empty phrases myself, and when I had nothing to say that was sincere or of substance I wouldn't say anything at all. I sometimes found out later that some people thought I was a Moderator cut: language for staying silent in certain situations. Sometimes I guess we just use these empty phrases because we don't know what to say but still want to show we care.
Her beliefs will serve as the foundation for her grief and how she expresses it, and your beliefs will do the same for you when your time to grieve arrives. No sense in projecting your own perceptions on to her and evaluating her responses from that viewpoint. I mean, you can do it but it will not help you understand her reaction any more clearly.
This. I'm not religious, far from it, but if her beliefs help this 15 year old kid get through this horrific experience then more power to her.
Just had a relative die at the age of 42 that was fighting cancer for 1.5 years. Always had a smile on her face and lived probably a year longer through sheer force of will for her only child that she was finally lucky to concieve at the age of 38 after a 10 year journey to have a child. Completed her Masters Degree, top of her field locally and had a beautiful marriage to a wonderful man. Talking with her during that last year of her life she always said I am holding onto hope with bareteeth and white knuckles. However, if death finally takes me I won't go unhappy and won't have any regrets. You folks will be the ones with the struggle and the fight. I'll be in a much happier place where ever that might be and hopefully without all this pain.
She is in a better place and she died fighting her cancer for someone that she loved. Her sentiments exactly.
I agree with Katzpaw. I can't see a reason why not getting "the full ride" is any good at all. Dying is not desirable regardless of what one is doing at the time, We are removed from family and friends and the beauty and potential of this world even with all the madness in it and no one has returned with proof there is some sort of paradise or continuation of some sort beyond life on Earth anyway in my view. I really see the OP's point personally. I also think many of take for granted how our lives can end quickly and unexpectedly. Any day can be the last one.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the hell out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
They are dead now. That's a given. It's irrelevant as to whether they are in a better place or not. But what can by hypothesized is that perhaps that 15-year-old saying that they are is the only thing that keeps her brain together. Perhaps she's not psychologically strong enough to fathom the idea that they are not "in a better place."
I see it as a psychological defense mechanism for a situation in which "where they are" is not important at all. What is important is the person that has to live with the loss.
Thanks for this thread and I couldn't agree more. We've also had way too many funerals this year. Had to miss one today actually.
Few things irk me more than "dying doing what they loved." As you can imagine, Colorado can be a harsh place and mother nature does not mess around. Last year saw several lives lost in a nasty avalanche. That phrase kept rearing its ugly head over and over. And no - they did not die doing what they loved. They died being swept downhill, suffocated and crushed underneath a mass of heavy snow.
You can say what you want, but when I punch out I hope it's like that. In the mountains on a snowmobile-caught up in an avalanche wouldn't be a bad way to go. Or wrecking in the mountains on a dirt bike. Beats Moderator cut: language dying in a nursing home while crapping yourself for the last 10 years, or eaten alive by cancer. We're all going to check out some time, I'd much rather it be when I'm having the time of my live than suffering for months.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the hell out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
Maybe that comforts the 15 year old survivor of a family massacre. She didn't say they were better off dead. She's grieving, let it alone.
A 15 year old girl loses her entire family and witnesses the murders. Three days later she is standing at a podium in front of a microphone, with news cameras, smiling, quoting Harry Potter, releasing balloons and flashing the "devil horns" hand sign and talking about her family being in a "better place". Seems perfectly normal.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the hell out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
If that is what it takes for that person to get through the massacre of the family what gives you the right to judge her. Be happy that at 15 years old they can deal with it, how someone does it is no concern of yours.
They are dead now. That's a given. It's irrelevant as to whether they are in a better place or not. But what can by hypothesized is that perhaps that 15-year-old saying that they are is the only thing that keeps her brain together. Perhaps she's not psychologically strong enough to fathom the idea that they are not "in a better place."
I see it as a psychological defense mechanism for a situation in which "where they are" is not important at all. What is important is the person that has to live with the loss.
Nicely said. This girl is in shock right now. Wait a few weeks, when the cameras are no longer in her face and she has to face a life without her family. She may feel differently as she goes through the stages of grief. But whatever gets her through each moment on her path to healing. OP, you don't have to believe what she believes (and I personally agree more with your beliefs than I do with hers) but allow her to grieve in whatever way works for her and brings her comfort. In the end, that's all she has.
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