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Moderator cut: against forum guidelines How you can question or criticize simple words that are meant to convey compassion and understanding is beyond me.
When someone says to you "I am sorry for your loss ", or, "If there is anything I can do" or any statements like that, they are simply trying to comfort the person and get them through the grieving process a little more easily. Why make a huge deal out of analyzing every little thing that comes out of people's mouths ? Normal people understand why these things are said and don't need to search for some deep seated reason or question if they should have been said at all. We all lean on other people in times like this...........it is part of the human experience.
Not sure whatever happened to common sense and civility in this world, but some people are just very weird these days.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the Moderator cut: language out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
I think we all tolerate only the amount of truth we are able to handle at the time. Denial is an unpleasant thing to look at in another person. It would be so much more comfortable if everyone could see things the way we see them.
But if none of us had any denial about the difficulties and unfairness of life we'd probably all be half crazy. So we each find ways to rationalize in order to comfort ourselves and make our lives a little more easy to live. We can see this in others but it is much more difficult to see the ways we, ourselves, manipulate our own truths to tolerate the hardships of life.
There may be times when a person's denial puts them in danger and in those situations we may want to help them see their reality in a new way. Other times a person's denial is for self-protection. And to interfere with that could be disrespectful if not outright harmful. Discerning between the two is important.
Some of us develop a number of life skills which enable us to look the truth more clearly in the face; some of us don't. Neither is much more than a survival tactic, I think.
I'd love to know if anyone has confronted a co-worker or neighbor who dared to say "I'm sorry for your loss" at Grandma's funeral, with some sociopathic diatribe. Post it on YouTube and give us the link if you do.
I have no problem with the phrases being discussed in this thread.
The one that gets me - really nauseates me - is "everything happens for a reason." Has anyone who carries this around in their repetoire really considered the direct implications? Babies are raped "for a reason?" Kids die in a fire "for a reason?" Are born with AIDS "for a reason?"
I'd love to know if anyone has confronted a co-worker or neighbor who dared to say "I'm sorry for your loss" at Grandma's funeral, with some sociopathic diatribe. Post it on YouTube and give us the link if you do.
It can always be worse...........Ran across a friend in a restaurant years ago wearing a suit,which was very unusual for him. He appeared in a hurry so I quickly said " what the .....going to a funeral?" He replied yes he was; his father had just died.............{open mouth;insert foot}
Last edited by Oldhag1; 07-16-2014 at 01:21 PM..
Reason: language
I have no problem with the phrases being discussed in this thread.
The one that gets me - really nauseates me - is "everything happens for a reason." Has anyone who carries this around in their repetoire really considered the direct implications? Babies are raped "for a reason?" Kids die in a fire "for a reason?" Are born with AIDS "for a reason?"
That's right up there with "It's god's plan". Really? So god killed your kid or husband because it was in the plan & you still have faith? Wow. I think it's incredibly insensitive for someone to say "They're in a better place" to the person who is grieving. Thoughtless, rude, obnoxious, all those things. If you can't say something meaningful than please just shut your mouth.
Actually, although I don't share the sentiment of "being in a better place" or "it's God's will" since I don't believe in heaven or God, I can see where it would be comforting for those who do. I have more difficulty understanding the reverse, when someone who is very religious is upset about a death. This happened recently when a neighbor heard another neighbor had died. The neighbor who died was 85, so not so remarkable/premature...death happens to all of us. But she was really upset by his death (surprising since she had no contact with him for years). Since she is always praying, attending church, and saying "it's in the Lord's hands," why would she not feel the same way about this---that it was God's will and that he had been "called home and is now in a better place?"
Rohirette and thefragile, hopefully you aren't into the Law of Attraction...because while those people don't say it's God's will, they do say that it was a lack of positive thinking that caused people to experience famine, floods, fire, etc. Also insensitive!
I think those of us who are mentally healthy have come to terms with the fact that bad things can happen to good people, that some events are just random and by chance, and that death happens to everyone....and is just the end of the cycle of life (at least so far as any of us knows).
I usually say “Sorry for your loss” or “My condolences to you and your family”. (I wouldn’t say “You are in my prayers” since I’m an atheist). I understand that faith will sometimes help people grieve but if someone is say killed by a drunk driver, why would you say “God had other plans” or “God needed her/him”. So god needed them and decided to end their life in an accident? I respect anyone who has religion, it’s just not for me. I’m sure there are other things to say to a person of faith to help comfort them.
There is a difference here, between the grieving person making these statement and someone saying it to the bereaved. If someone grieving says these things, and believes them, because it helps them cope, good on them. I have no issues with the poor girl we are talking about saying this
The problem comes when people say these things to someone who is grieving. If you know a person believes those things, fine, otherwise I think it pays to be careful
I would rather say something like I am sorry for your loss and I'm here if you need anything, than to say the "wrong" thing.
As someone who lives with a long term illness, I can't tell you how many times people have said, This is part of Gods plan for you". I don't like it when they say it, but I do appreciate the sentiment behind it. They are trying to to comfort me. Their intentions are good.
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