Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As an atheist who has lost a few loved ones over the years, I say you cut the bereaved the slack to allow them to say whatever they need to to get through the day. If someone wants to take refuge in their time of greatest sorrow in what I believe to be a fiction fabricated by primitives, I'm not gonna do anything but nod and give them a hug.
When I am comforting the bereaved, I simply speak from the heart and remember that it is about the bereaved and their loss and not about me.
I feel sorry for the poor girl who lost her family. I'm an agnostic; you do your thing, I'll do mine. It's my understanding that she came from a religious family (who she just saw murdered), so of course she's going to cling to "they're in a better place."
Christian platitudes stick in my craw but I'm quiet about it, depending on who I'm talking to. For instance, when tornado survivors thank God for saving them - what does that say about their neighbors who were killed? I suppose it's just a general expression of gratitude to the powers that be, or the universe or whatever, but it just makes me roll my eyes.
My husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer last year (he's in remission now) and I joined some online cancer support groups. I gotta say, all the "Praise Jesus!" and "God is good!" gets on my nerves. If God is so good, why did your loved one die? Or "He's with the angels now!" Yeah, right. That said, I still feel that my mother, who died four years ago, is looking down on me from somewhere, and if people ask for prayers I will give them, even though I'm a heathen!
I feel sorry for the poor girl who lost her family. I'm an agnostic; you do your thing, I'll do mine. It's my understanding that she came from a religious family (who she just saw murdered), so of course she's going to cling to "they're in a better place."
Christian platitudes stick in my craw but I'm quiet about it, depending on who I'm talking to. For instance, when tornado survivors thank God for saving them - what does that say about their neighbors who were killed? I suppose it's just a general expression of gratitude to the powers that be, or the universe or whatever, but it just makes me roll my eyes.
My husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer last year (he's in remission now) and I joined some online cancer support groups. I gotta say, all the "Praise Jesus!" and "God is good!" gets on my nerves. If God is so good, why did your loved one die? Or "He's with the angels now!" Yeah, right. That said, I still feel that my mother, who died four years ago, is looking down on me from somewhere, and if people ask for prayers I will give them, even though I'm a heathen!
Yep. A guy who is in a sort of overlapping social group of mine is dealing with a terminal illness and is VERY religious. All my friends who know him are atheists. With every "Praise Jesus" and "God is good" they are biting their tongues.
But they'd cut their own tongues out before they'd ever say anything to him against his faith, because they love and support him in what is an incredibly horrific time.
Glad to hear your husband is in remission. Praise modern medicine and good doctors!
What would you prefer to hear from people who are trying to be supportive?
I lost my husband a few years ago..
I overlooked the first 100 people that said
"he is in a better place"
"all things work together for the good"
"God needed him"
"God has a new angel"
"God worked in mysterious ways"
After that I literally wanted to go for their jugular !!!!
It just seems arrogant for anyone to show up at a funeral and think they can say a few words that will actually comfort.. Better to say they loved him, love you and stop ....
What did help was people who told me things they loved about him, stories I didn't know, photos I had never seen... It meant a lot when people who sent cards or called weeks later and begged me to let them take me to lunch or grab a movie to get out of the house. Friends that allowed me to process the death out loud over & over til I didn't need to were priceless...
It helped when people asked me specific questions..
"Do you need help at the house"
"Do you want help going through his clothes'
"Do you want someone to go with you to do legal stuff"
" Are you lonely and what would help"
It helped when friends asked about how we met, our life, happy memories... I watched a pastor ask my dad about how he met my mom after she died.. Within minutes my dad was all lit up telling about their whirlwind romance to a roomful that had never heard the story. Boy was it good medicine to hear it again at that moment !!!!
Last edited by Oldhag1; 07-16-2014 at 07:44 PM..
Reason: fixed formatting
1) People will tell themselves whatever story they need to in order to cope with the loss of a loved one. If it helps them to deal with it and to ind some measure of peace, I see no harm in them saying such things. Even if I don't agree.
2) How do you know it isn't a better place? Have you been dead? do you personally know anyone who has been dead? It might be amazing. It might not. We all have theories but nobody actually knows what really comes next. Maybe here and life is not actually the better place. maybe neither place is better and they are just different states of being. We don't know.
3) does it make you feel good to bash a grieving person for having a different perception of what comes next than you do and for finding a way to cope that helps them to feel better at a very difficult time in their life?
4) or are you yourself grieving and going through the anger stage where nothing anyone says to try to comfort you will help and some well meaning people have said these things to you? In which case I am sorry or your loss. You won't believe me but you will eventually get past this. And your friends love you and only want you to feel better somehow. So try to appreciate that even if you don't agree with them.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the Moderator cut: language out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
I disagree with one point you make -- some people probably do die of a skull fracture while bungee jumping, or plummet to their deaths climbing K2, and feel a glimmer of satisfaction that at least they didn't croak in a nursing home while wearing a diaper, which might be their ultimate idea of the bad death. Your death is probably going to be disastrous for the people you care about, but maybe not so bad for you. In fact, I'm sure many suicides go with nothing but relief. Being murdered is another story entirely, of course, and that's probably just as bad for the victim (if not worse than) it is for you.
Whether they are just dead, or in a place like heaven - they don't have some psycho trying to kill them or possibly living a terrible life as a result of the injuries. That alone can be a better place.
As for saying that someone died doing something they loved, it never comes out right. The reality is that the person lived his/her life doing what they loved, and that is pretty awesome.
I hate "sorry for your loss." It sounds as if someone was misplaced, like car keys. I'd rather someone say, "I'm sorry about your [insert name or title here]," it is far more personal.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead. I should give a 15 year old a pass but it is a common sentiment when someone dies -denial and claiming that a 4 year is better off dead than having a full life. It's a tragedy when someone doesn't get the full ride. Having your life cut short is not "being in a better place". I had some near death incidents in my youth, and as young father, and it's much better not to have died and missed the last 20-30 years. "He died doing what he loved" is another stupid saying. Nobody froze to death on Everest or plummeted to earth in a broken hang glider thinking "at least I'm dying doing what I love". I know they are stupid platitudes and bromides, especially the religious "better place" place, but I'm more inclined to admit the tragedy and "I miss the Moderator cut: language out of x".
(Sorry - too many young men have died too young in my family - disease, accident, and murder - and I lost my best friend last month.)
I'm with you, but cut this 15-year-old some slack. After what she's been through and what she's lost, maybe that's what she has to believe to keep going right now.
Death isn't easily discussed in our society, so people have these platitudes to keep from actually looking at death.
The 15 year old survivor a family massacre has said that her family "is in a better place". No, they are not. They are dead.
I agree, that it is awful and a tragedy. But, depending on your belief system, he may very well believe him to be in paradise, even if the rest of us miss the heck out of him.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
