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The one I don't like is "Well if there is anything I can do"
Sure, how about paving my driveway? Come to my house and clean for me while I grieve?
You're not actually going to do anything you can for this person.
The other is "So sorry for your loss". Did you play a part in it? Why are you sorry if you didn't do anything to cause it?
People are just trying to be considerate and to let you know that you're in their thoughts. Honestly, I prefer some kind acknowledgement such as "sorry for your loss" than no words at all. It hurt me a lot when close friends did not say anything to me after I lost my son or father; it was like my son and father never existed or nothing ever happened.
People are just trying to be considerate and to let you know that you're in their thoughts. Honestly, I prefer some kind acknowledgement such as "sorry for your loss" than no words at all. It hurt me a lot when close friends did not say anything to me after I lost my son or father; it was like my son and father never existed or nothing ever happened.
That happened to me when my best friend died a few years ago. A couple people I knew said not one word to me. And they even saw me later that day of the funeral & nothing. No acknowledgement, nothing. To be honest, I still haven't truly forgiven them.
How do you know she is not correct, been to the otherside? Care to share you exoperience. Truth be told many believe that it is a better place on the other side, others believe when we die that is all there is, and some believe we come and go several times, pick one and believe what you wish, just do not judge others on their beliefs. It is just that simple.
Why not? People judge others because of their beliefs all the time. If I believe that leprechauns exist, or that the moon is made of green cheese, other people will think I'm an idiot and judge me for believing that. Why does religion get a pass? It doesn't make sense, just like leprechauns or a cheesy moon doesn't
When my husband's mom passed away last year, he said the most frustrating thing was all the people saying they are praying for him and that she's in abetter place. She was only 46 and had a great life... it didn't make sense to him (or me) and it still doesn't. The people who said they are praying for him ticked him off because we don't really go to church anymore and anyway, why would he pray to a god that just took his mother and left his little sister without a mom?
And most of the people who said "let me know if you need anything", he didn't even know who they were... he said, "they aren't going to help me, I wish they would just say they're sorry and go on their way".
IMO, the person grieving has the right to feel this way. They're suffering. As other posters mentioned, just express that you are sorry for the loss, that you will miss them, and tell a funny story about that person.
Anything else will probably be taken the wrong way.
As for this girl, she's in shock. She's dealing with it. It will hit her worse later. Why do you care?
I lost my husband a few years ago..
I overlooked the first 100 people that said
"he is in a better place"
"all things work together for the good"
"God needed him"
"God has a new angel"
"God worked in mysterious ways"
After that I literally wanted to go for their jugular !!!!
Or at least post a sign banning unwanted, hurtful phrases like all of the above! I swear it has already occurred to me that I may need to post signs about what will and will not help me whenever I go through a major loss. I will not be in the mood to deal with idiotic cliches like those. (even if they are well-intentioned) So condescending and infuriating IMO. I'm so sorry you had to hear such things when you were grieving.
Quote:
It just seems arrogant for anyone to show up at a funeral and think they can say a few words that will actually comfort.. Better to say they loved him, love you and stop ....
What did help was people who told me things they loved about him, stories I didn't know, photos I had never seen... It meant a lot when people who sent cards or called weeks later and begged me to let them take me to lunch or grab a movie to get out of the house. Friends that allowed me to process the death out loud over & over til I didn't need to were priceless...
It helped when people asked me specific questions..
"Do you need help at the house"
"Do you want help going through his clothes'
"Do you want someone to go with you to do legal stuff"
" Are you lonely and what would help"
It helped when friends asked about how we met, our life, happy memories... I watched a pastor ask my dad about how he met my mom after she died.. Within minutes my dad was all lit up telling about their whirlwind romance to a roomful that had never heard the story. Boy was it good medicine to hear it again at that moment !!!!
This is beautiful. I love how the pastor allowed your dad to, in a sense, comfort himself, by sharing memories that were precious to him. SO much better than when people think it's helpful to blab on and on about how they "know what you're going through" and proceed to talk about when their own spouse died, or whatever. Sure, it can be helpful to know that they "get it," but that's not the time or place for details of THEIR loss.
People are just trying to be considerate and to let you know that you're in their thoughts. Honestly, I prefer some kind acknowledgement such as "sorry for your loss" than no words at all. It hurt me a lot when close friends did not say anything to me after I lost my son or father; it was like my son and father never existed or nothing ever happened.
I can see how you would be hurt.
I have a friend who always proclaimed, when a parent of someone we knew died, how much she just "couldn't stand" going to funeral parlors so she wasn't going to go. Then when my father died and she didn't show up, and so many others did, even some I didn't expect, I saw her little idiosyncrasy as obnoxious.
She's an only child, never saw her father after she was 13 (she found out recently he's been dead for years) and her mother is in her 80s. When she's got to do a funeral for her mother, I wonder how she'll feel if people don't show up.
Our family's best funeral story is when my brother died in 2006 at the age of 51. He had been sick for a while, and my mother cared for him right up to the end. She had been the "mayor's representative" on the library board in town, but in the last six months, she'd told the mayor that she couldn't attend the meetings anymore because it was too much on her what with taking care of my brother.
My brother dies, and the mayor shows up at the funeral home. Now she was a woman who had lost a son of her own in a construction accident, so maybe she was hardened a bit, but she walked up to my mother who was standing in front of her son's coffin, shook her hand, and said, "Now maybe you'll be able to go to the library meetings again!"
Last edited by Oldhag1; 07-17-2014 at 07:52 PM..
Reason: merge
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