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She is having sex however, her case goes against those of mot women being 'lesbian' as an innate aspect of themselves as opposed to a preference.
She says her dislike of a masculine figure for her son and herself is what drove her to close off entering a second relationship with a man. Not that she believes all masculine men are 'evil' 'agressive' or 'violent' but rather she entered a stage in life where she preferred to have a more stable and 'nurturing' partner.
I hope people don't take this the wrong way and assume that she or I believe that sexual orientation is any less valid. I do believe there are people who innately are only attracted to women or men of the same gender, I just don't buy into the narrative that it a relationship with done by a choice of preference is any less legitimate than one due to orientation.
This one woman's likes, wants, loves, and desires in no way reflects on humanity as a whole. She is who she is, and that's it; she isn't a representative of anything but herself, and tells us nothing about the nature of sexuality, gender, or orientation. Sorry if you thought she was something more important.
A little side equation on this. Men are conditioned by society to be very sexual. Let's call that state A. So when we have 2A, what does one think will happen?
Women are conditioned by society to be sexually reserved. Let's call that state B. So when we have 2B, is it surprising to find not much sex going on?
Of course, that's just a nut shell of things and there are far more elements in relationships than just that.
But conceptually, it is possible for reasons more of understanding and feelings than that of lust and climax.
A little side equation on this. Men are conditioned by society to be very sexual. Let's call that state A. So when we have 2A, what does one think will happen?
Women are conditioned by society to be sexually reserved. Let's call that state B. So when we have 2B, is it surprising to find not much sex going on?
Of course, that's just a nut shell of things and there are far more elements in relationships than just that.
But conceptually, it is possible for reasons more of understanding and feelings than that of lust and climax.
I think this is what keeps the divide so wide between men and women! "Men are" and "Women are" and many don't realize that over the past 50 years, things have been changing and are now very different. I do not and will not believe that a woman chooses to marry and have sex with another woman because men are aggressive or whatever else as ALL MEN ARE NOT THE SAME! I am a woman and have known a LOT of men over my life having been in the military and worked then as a civilian on a military installation.
I learned women were not "sexually reserved" by having sons and knowing other families with sons. Maybe in the 1960s, certainly not now. Maybe it is cultural.
Maybe this is like a prison situation for the woman and she is just taking advantage of what is easily sexually available for her. Some people don't care how they get to climax, whatever it takes. I wonder how the other woman reads the situation. It does seem to lean that way, not so much having sex because of an attraction or desire, but for the convenience, what's available in house. So, after thinking it through, it looks like the woman isn't a lesbian, but is simply taking advantage of the available sexual option. What doesn't the newer generations call this "friends with benefits"?
I guess she can call what she likes. I wouldn't call her a lesbian though, in truth, I'd call her mixed up and someone who has judged all men to be the same. Perhaps counseling would have help her sort through this as I am concerned that her extremely negative feelings toward men will have a negative effect on her son.
A little side equation on this. Men are conditioned by society to be very sexual. Let's call that state A. So when we have 2A, what does one think will happen?
Women are conditioned by society to be sexually reserved. Let's call that state B. So when we have 2B, is it surprising to find not much sex going on?
Of course, that's just a nut shell of things and there are far more elements in relationships than just that.
But conceptually, it is possible for reasons more of understanding and feelings than that of lust and climax.
I can tell you from experience that most young women today are not sexually reserved. My wife has a couple of friends who are deep into the "hookup" culture. They have a stable of boyfriends they use, on their terms, and don't believe in traditional long term relationships. They seem to enjoy it, and these are not 18 year olds. Both are in their mid 30's.
I dated a whole lot in high school, and while I was in the military. Out of my many girlfriends, not a single one was "sexually reserved".
Studies have shown that the growth in the porn industry is coming from women. Adult toy sites are selling mostly to women. So at least in the U.S., women are coming out of their shell so to speak.
The truth is that today, men don't need women for sex, and women don't need men for sex. So men getting married just to have a steady sex partner really doesn't come into play anymore. Women have the same career options as men, so they don't "need" someone to take care of them.
In the older generations, the traditional gender roles may still be pretty evident, but the under 40 population is a whole new world.
I don't like policing what other people want to call themselves. If in this phase of her life, she considers herself a lesbian, and backs it up with only being romantic and sexual with one woman in a monogamous relationship, then that is fine, she can call herself a kangaroo for all I care. Whatever makes her feel comfortable in her own skin. I'm not some kind of an authority to issue directives about anyone's identity, relationships, or sexual behavior.
I would hope that she isn't filling her son's head with nonsense about how "men are" too though.
There is a book I read, called "Come As You Are" which talks about how when all of the factors that hit "the brakes" on a woman's sexual desire are removed, a woman is every bit as sexual as a man. The Tao books I've been reading suggest that a woman is by nature far MORE sexual than a man, has nearly unlimited potential sexual energy, if one knows how to tap and activate it, and that it is men who have more limited "yang" which they should try to use sparingly. I can say personally, that the more I get off, the more I WANT to get off. If I am involved with a partner who pleases me very well, I am every bit as sexually motivated as any male I have ever met.
And I have known men who lost their sex drives and stayed happily married for the companionship, and women who have initiated open marriages to get their needs met. PLENTY of them. And lots of men, once they get past their "sowing oats" phase, desire companionship and love and contact more than anything. Men can be as soft on the inside, emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, as anyone, and often crave commitment in relationships. They're simply socialized to try to deny it, and especially never to show that emotional side to other men, except in very limited "safe" environments and situations.
I have discovered that I do need to feel safe in being vulnerable with my partner. If I have a sense that my sexuality is a source of shame, or a reason for him to behave badly, or a weapon that could be used against me? Forget it. I might do the act, but my spirit will not be in it. And I'd rather not, given the chance. I have had male partners who made me feel that way, and female partners who made me feel that way.
Since I know that I can and occasionally do behave sexually with women, I do consider myself bisexual. But I was monogamous with a man for 18 years, with no sex with anybody else of any gender. I considered myself in a straight phase of life during that time. I knew I had the flexibility to be bi, but my life choices were not backing that up then. I called it, "functionally straight." But I like to play around with words anyhow. Just last night I told some friends I was, "a polyflexible monogamish 80/20 bisexual switch."
The bottom line is that men will never completely understand women on an emotional or psychological level, and visa versa.
Just as a man needs his "Buddies", a woman needs her Girlfriends. I can relate far more with my Adult Daughters, than I ever will with my Husband of 43 years.
The bottom line is that men will never completely understand women on an emotional or psychological level, and visa versa.
Just as a man needs his "Buddies", a woman needs her Girlfriends. I can relate far more with my Adult Daughters, than I ever will with my Husband of 43 years.
It just it what it is.
That has not been my experience.
It has been my experience however, that the more you believe this, the less you try, and the less you try, the less you understand.
Some people have a higher ability to empathize and listen and understand others. Some people will resist opening up and sharing with others. Some people need to project or directly identify with others in order to understand them, and some do not.
My ex used to say that women were "just confusing" and impossible to understand. The reality was, if he understood he might then be expected to respect or accommodate the needs of someone besides himself, and that isn't something he wanted to have to do. He was merely self centered. I understood him just fine. How not, when he always talked and expected me to listen?
I've met women with whom I've had little in common, and I struggled to understand their perspectives. Many of them.
My present boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and I believe each of us understands the other in ways that no one ever has before. We don't always agree on all points, but we UNDERSTAND one another very well. He is an introvert and needs a few friends and has friends of both genders, and I'm an extrovert and need many, many friends and have them of both genders. Neither of us has a problem with what the other needs socially.
The bottom line is that men will never completely understand women on an emotional or psychological level, and visa versa.
Just as a man needs his "Buddies", a woman needs her Girlfriends. I can relate far more with my Adult Daughters, than I ever will with my Husband of 43 years.
It just it what it is.
Okay..the poster below disagrees but could you elaborate why you think that is for yourself and your daughter vs husband?
This is an opinion that I've seen on some forums that's actually quite unpopular and I have a real life experience with it. I want to know what you think about it. It's a long post so bear with me please.
One of my sons friends has lesbian parents who are in a quite happy and fulfilling relationship. The thing is though, his mother was previously married to a man from a very traditional African culture and decided to divorce due to difficulties along with her sons issues with her husband.
You might be saying like a lot of people online that she realized that she was attracted to women and finally came to terms by difficulties with being married to a heterosexual man by divorcing him and marrying another woman. That's totally wrong according to her.
She says that she was alright in her relationship. She enjoyed sex with her hubbie and men in general seeing as she dated two men in her twenties when living in Kenya two decades ago. She considered herself attracted to men only and didn't consider anything else.
Now most who share this sentiment will largely claim it's because they are straight and don't feel attracted to anyone else. For her though, it's another story. When talking to her, she told me that she never felt like being in a relationship with another female until she started having major problems with her husband after moving to Europe along with her sons issues. She distanced herself from her husband and tried to console her son who was having problems with school, father, self esteem etc.. A few times, she mentioned that she would divorce her husband to her young teen son and he suggested that she should 'marry another nurturing woman'. She scoffed it as ridiculous since being gay is 'taboo' in a Africa along with the fact that she had never considered her sexuality but 5 years later, she married another woman even to her surprise and is comfortable in the relationship.
Now people will say "She was a bisexual or lesbian woman who just discovered herself" but she begs to differ. She says that she disliked the overbearing masculinity of her older husband and didn't want to risk the same thing with another man, so she married another woman since in general women raised in liberal households/areas of the West are non-agressive and more nurturing compared to men. One interesting thing is that she found that she enjoys the sex with a woman despite only entering to give her son a more nurturing parent. She herself doubts that sexual orientation can be so 'fixed' and that personal factors can change it.
What do you think about this? A lot of users here like to stress how different men and women are so if you can agree that men are more agressive and 'tough' on their wife and kids and a woman are much more nurturing and less/non-agressive, is it silly to think that someone can choose to be in a romantic and sexual relationship not on what they feel like sexually but their preferences on behavior and personality in their ideal partner based on typical gender dynamics?
This is not so complicated she comes from a culture that isn't accepting of bisexuality so she is rationalizing as a defense mechanism to deal with her psychological conditioning. I think based on the information that she is indeed bisexual with fluid attraction that has shifted with age in favor of women with the attraction decreasing for men(this isn't so unusual) but it seems that her strong attraction to women is at the emotional level and less so at the sexual attraction level but she's bisexual for sure.
This is an opinion that I've seen on some forums that's actually quite unpopular and I have a real life experience with it. I want to know what you think about it. It's a long post so bear with me please.
One of my sons friends has lesbian parents who are in a quite happy and fulfilling relationship. The thing is though, his mother was previously married to a man from a very traditional African culture and decided to divorce due to difficulties along with her sons issues with her husband.
You might be saying like a lot of people online that she realized that she was attracted to women and finally came to terms by difficulties with being married to a heterosexual man by divorcing him and marrying another woman. That's totally wrong according to her.
She says that she was alright in her relationship. She enjoyed sex with her hubbie and men in general seeing as she dated two men in her twenties when living in Kenya two decades ago. She considered herself attracted to men only and didn't consider anything else.
Now most who share this sentiment will largely claim it's because they are straight and don't feel attracted to anyone else. For her though, it's another story. When talking to her, she told me that she never felt like being in a relationship with another female until she started having major problems with her husband after moving to Europe along with her sons issues. She distanced herself from her husband and tried to console her son who was having problems with school, father, self esteem etc.. A few times, she mentioned that she would divorce her husband to her young teen son and he suggested that she should 'marry another nurturing woman'. She scoffed it as ridiculous since being gay is 'taboo' in a Africa along with the fact that she had never considered her sexuality but 5 years later, she married another woman even to her surprise and is comfortable in the relationship.
Now people will say "She was a bisexual or lesbian woman who just discovered herself" but she begs to differ. She says that she disliked the overbearing masculinity of her older husband and didn't want to risk the same thing with another man, so she married another woman since in general women raised in liberal households/areas of the West are non-agressive and more nurturing compared to men. One interesting thing is that she found that she enjoys the sex with a woman despite only entering to give her son a more nurturing parent. She herself doubts that sexual orientation can be so 'fixed' and that personal factors can change it.
What do you think about this? A lot of users here like to stress how different men and women are so if you can agree that men are more agressive and 'tough' on their wife and kids and a woman are much more nurturing and less/non-agressive, is it silly to think that someone can choose to be in a romantic and sexual relationship not on what they feel like sexually but their preferences on behavior and personality in their ideal partner based on typical gender dynamics?
I think the woman in question is bisexual. She probably had no awareness or had simply never considered sex with a woman as a possibility. But there is no way for me to really know. I do think sexual attraction exists on a spectrum. That is as much as I feel comfortable asserting.
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It does seem to lean that way, not so much having sex because of an attraction or desire, but for the convenience, what's available in house. So, after thinking it through, it looks like the woman isn't a lesbian, but is simply taking advantage of the available sexual option. What doesn't the newer generations call this "friends with benefits"?
