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I'm not sure if this a great debate, but it has certainly been around since the dawn of marriage. What do you do with a pushy mother-in-law?
I became swept up in the thought that my MIL and I were great friends. We even boasted about how well we got together. Everything seemed hunky dory......until DH and I decided to move across America back to my home state and his mother asked if she could ditch her crappy job and live with us too.
2 years later, I regret this. Just the part where we argue about the same stuff every week, since March 23rd, 2009. That was the day I quit my job, and paying bills and rent, food and utilities and upkeep on the cars became impossible.
Now I cashed out my IRA of $10K to move across the states for a better life. It was my last stash of cash to get us out of the hell hole we were living in. We are doing a lot better, but MIL picked out this $1500 a month 3bd/2.5bath rental house on 3 acres of land, that she swore she'd work 3 jobs to help pay for.
Ya, that didn't happen.
Next, she settled on a part time job and can't pay her share of anything. It's been two weeks since she bought groceries (she's responsible for food and bills and we cover rent and expenses). And I'm still eating spaghettio's, well I did until she ate the last can yesterday.
So why did I quit my job in this crappy economy? Because the stress of living with a woman who takes all my stuff when she wants to, walks in on my husband and I having sex, and overstuffs my dog with food she's not supposed to have making her 25lbs over weight, really got the best of me. The job I had covered my end of the expenses, but we still couldn't save any money because I found out she was borrowing money from her son, to which I never could afford to fix our cars. I have bought two cars since we moved here, and both are gone now. One to a deer accident, the other we sold b/c the breaks failed and the neighbor fixes cars and wanted to buy it.
So I think I'm fine with all of this for 13 months, then I became very sick. Without really telling you what kind of sick so that our male readers aren't uncomfortable, ladies.....imagine your worst visit with aunt Flo, and she didn't want to leave your house for 4 months. Yes you read that right, 4 months. No medical insurance, no pain killers, horrible nightmare has come to pass. That type of thing. I left my job because I couldn't hardly stand anymore at work, so what does MIL think of my decision to get well?
She holds it over my head as the reason we can't pay our bills. Not the fact that she bullied us into living in this Taj Mahal type of lifestyle, don't get me wrong, its a nice place, but falling apart and the LL hasn't shown up to fix the leaks, the water softener, or the wiring. All our clothes and towels are dingy orange from the iron in the water. Do you think that's worth $1500 per month?
So I decided to start looking for an apartment that DH and I can afford. Just us two, and I'm trying to push her out of the picture. If "getting a job is so easy" then I want to see her get a full time job to support herself. Hmm, not so easy out there in the economy is it? I've been looking since March, others have been looking for over a year.
I talked to DH about all of this since she started throwing out these guilted sandbags everytime the bills don't get paid or food isn't being bought, and he said to find a cheaper place. Thing is, we have extra pets if we include her and that's not an easy thing to get a LL to sign up for.
My husband is supporting me right now, before I left my job I talked with him to see if we could swing this, and he said as long as "mum" paid what she promised we could.
Haven't seen that yet. So I bring this to you: What would you do? I know that when we finaly part ways, I won't be inviting this woman back into my home to live ever again. DH understands and agrees. She's single, but as much as I've tried to respect her, understand her, chat with her, and relate to her, when its her turn to do the same, all she can do is throw me under the bus and say, "we'd be fine if you didn't quit your job."
Actually mom, you'd be sitting pretty without paying a thing, if I hadn't quit my job. You living off your son was never part of the deal, but now that you've have a taste of it, why should you do much else?
You need to do what is best for you, your husband and your marriage. I think the best thing would be getting your own living space so you can live seperate lives. She is an adult and should be responsible for herself. Prepare to have all the guilt in the world thrown your way. Just try and remember that your health and your marriage should be more of a priority and get your attention more than guilt thrown your way by a woman who seems to have reneged on her agreement with you and now seems to blame you for all her problems.
Stress is a huge problem when it comes to health and to marriage. It seems like it definelty is affecting your health, I hope it is not negatively affecting your marriage. Please do what you need to do to prevent that.
I have experience with a MIL who has treated me like garbage since the day I met her and it has only become worse over the past 17 years. She is the only thing that my husband and I ever fought about and we are at a point where I last saw her 5 years ago and my husband sees her once a year. That is sad but there are some people who are just like that. Hopefully you can come to a middle ground with her and perhaps living apart may help. I love my father and get along great with him but I spent 3 straight months living with him after he had a surgery and even we got on each other's nerves at the end. You and your husband need to live on your own! It sounds like it would benefit you both mentally and financially. Even though you used to get along with your MIL, it sounds like her true colors are showing- I would do all that you can to stop it before it gets even worse. My MIL put a huge strain on my SIL(husband's sister) and BIL marriage and still negatively influences my SIL marriage to this day because she refuses to do anything about it. They have almost divorced many times over it but for some reason, my SIL puts up with crap from her mother-a mean manipulative woman even though my BIL a hardworking kind man takes the brunt of the abuse. I am still surprised that my BIL has not left-he has been putting up with this for over 30 years. I know many people who have had issues because of family members and never speak again. Hopefully you can come to a point that works for all of you, that is healthy and perhaps you can regain some of the friendship you and your MIL once felt for each other.
1. Go find another place to rent that you can afford. One with no extra bedrooms.
2. After you found a place, sit down with MIL and tell her "living in the same house is not working". Then inform her of the date you and your DH are moving out. Make sure to give her 30 days notice.
3. Then DO IT.
You need to do what is best for you, your husband and your marriage. I think the best thing would be getting your own living space so you can live seperate lives. She is an adult and should be responsible for herself. Prepare to have all the guilt in the world thrown your way. Just try and remember that your health and your marriage should be more of a priority and get your attention more than guilt thrown your way by a woman who seems to have reneged on her agreement with you and now seems to blame you for all her problems.
Stress is a huge problem when it comes to health and to marriage. It seems like it definelty is affecting your health, I hope it is not negatively affecting your marriage. Please do what you need to do to prevent that.
I have experience with a MIL who has treated me like garbage since the day I met her and it has only become worse over the past 17 years. She is the only thing that my husband and I ever fought about and we are at a point where I last saw her 5 years ago and my husband sees her once a year. That is sad but there are some people who are just like that. Hopefully you can come to a middle ground with her and perhaps living apart may help. I love my father and get along great with him but I spent 3 straight months living with him after he had a surgery and even we got on each other's nerves at the end. You and your husband need to live on your own! It sounds like it would benefit you both mentally and financially. Even though you used to get along with your MIL, it sounds like her true colors are showing- I would do all that you can to stop it before it gets even worse. My MIL put a huge strain on my SIL(husband's sister) and BIL marriage and still negatively influences my SIL marriage to this day because she refuses to do anything about it. They have almost divorced many times over it but for some reason, my SIL puts up with crap from her mother-a mean manipulative woman even though my BIL a hardworking kind man takes the brunt of the abuse. I am still surprised that my BIL has not left-he has been putting up with this for over 30 years. I know many people who have had issues because of family members and never speak again. Hopefully you can come to a point that works for all of you, that is healthy and perhaps you can regain some of the friendship you and your MIL once felt for each other.
Good Luck,
Nicolem
Heya Nicolem, I know you! LOL TY for your sound advice here. I keep forgetting that she's an adult and it is not my responsibility to house her. She's not an invalid, we didn't agree to support her, but DH sees it as abandoning her. Well, I feel like we're enabling her to be a freeloader the way things are going right now. It's a tough position, but you're not the first person to say, this needs to be separated. She's leaving for a week out of the state to visit her sick mom, so that will give us a whole 9 days together alone in over 2 years.
1. Go find another place to rent that you can afford. One with no extra bedrooms.
2. After you found a place, sit down with MIL and tell her "living in the same house is not working". Then inform her of the date you and your DH are moving out. Make sure to give her 30 days notice.
3. Then DO IT.
I like your style. I wish DH would agree with you on that though, I have already tried this option and b/c MIL is only working part time, he almost enables her to be dependent on him, and that's why I'm wondering how much of this crap am I supposed to be supportive about, and for how long to be the good wife here?
Hate to cut to the chase so quickly, but this is really your husband's responsibility, eh? Has to make a decision: wife or mother? He chose you to be wife; he will always have her as his mother. Thus, by choosing you, he still retains her as mother, just in a different location.
If you went to a counselor (which you probably cannot afford now), he or she would probably say something about establishing boundaries. Clear, simple, understandable boundaries. One of the most important are physical boundaries, such as distance. There are also emotional boundaries, social boundaries and so forth.
Walking in on sex?? Man, that would be the deal-breaker for me.
Don't you wish we Americans could be like so many of the other races who seemingly live so happy together in extended families? Not. They just have no alternatives and have to put up with MIL and FIL in the same space.
"When in-laws are out-lawed, only out-laws will have in-laws."
Last edited by Teak; 08-24-2009 at 06:30 PM..
Reason: added paragraph
This thread brings up the opportunity to warn people.
The person that you marry, will eventually become their parent(s). So, if you have problems with their parents - Be warned - Your spouse will grow into being them.
I had that problem, I was warned, but did not believe it. But, after a few years, it became truer and truer - a freaking nightmare.
So, your problem with your MIL - Get away from her quick. Drop everything, and get out from it. Why live in agony?
And, take a good look at hubby - Most likely your will find her in him...So, make a choice about that.
The day I walked away from my agony was one of the best days in my life. I lost much, but I gained peace of mind.
It saddens me to see how much trouble there always seems to be with mother-in-laws.
My mother-in-law of almost 26 years has been absolutely nothing but wonderful. Of course, a lot of that has to do with how I treat her.
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A warning to people
