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As a child I was never taught about death or dying, so when it happened in my teens (a family death) it rocked my world.
Now as a mother, when I felt the time was right, I did teach my kids about it. We do go away. They are not permanately scarred and will in my belief fair better then the person who was not exposed to the subject in their childhood. Some people praised me and some people ridiculed me.
Yes... death is a part of life...
Death should be explained, gently but truthfully. It should not cause a shock, but reflection, sadness, feeling of loss and cause of mourn.
BTW:
You found out about death in your teens?? You didn't read books, watched TV or had a pet? Never saw a dead fly or bird, never were curious about?
As a child I was never taught about death or dying, so when it happened in my teens (a family death) it rocked my world.
Now as a mother, when I felt the time was right, I did teach my kids about it. We do go away. They are not permanately scarred and will in my belief fair better then the person who was not exposed to the subject in their childhood. Some people praised me and some people ridiculed me.
What should children be taught about death?
Was I tought about death as a child?
Hoy Boy, was I?
I was raised Roman Catholic, that should tell you something about how I was taught death.
Thelegacy I leave my children is our lineage, as complete and accurate as I can make it. Ancestry has always been important to my family, and especially with me. We would sit and go through the extensive family photo album (I even have some tin-types of my great-grandparents), so death would naturally come up.
"Dad, where's great-granma now?"
I tried to instil in my kids the sence that death was a natural thing, soemthing everyone faced, but that life was very improtant and should be lived to it's fullest.
Yes... death is a part of life...
Death should be explained, gently but truthfully. It should not cause a shock, but reflection, sadness, feeling of loss and cause of mourn.
BTW:
You found out about death in your teens?? You didn't read books, watched TV or had a pet? Never saw a dead fly or bird, never were curious about?
I'm from the old school, we watched Bewitched and the like. Nobody dies in those scenes. The family dog died when I was 22. As for as going in the woods and finding birds that had fallen from their nests. Dead or alive we put them back because my mom said they would go to bird heaven (no trauma there). There was no death anywhere. Not even in school. Sure, in 5th grade studying historical people, having to memorize when they died, but that was a disconnect, were talking 100s of years, There was no understanding the concept. In the 5th grade it was announced that President Kennedy had been shot and had died. My reaction was wow, there letting us go home and we can play. I didn't know what it was. I knew he wasn't comming back. The adults shoved it under the rug. I was not curious about it because I didn't know about it.
My then 9 year old sister had been in a car accident and she lost her life. That is how I found out about death in my teens.
Not that I can recall. Bang-bang-you're-dead neighborhood games exposed me to the concept at about 6 years old, I suppose. In those days, children were allowed to play unsupervised by an adult, so all sorts of lore got passed along in that way. My grandfather died when I was about 9, I think, and I was already fully conversant with the ramifications of death. I was 3 when WWII started, and it was pretty hard to ignore the war or the associated concept of death.
As a child I was never taught about death or dying, so when it happened in my teens (a family death) it rocked my world.
Now as a mother, when I felt the time was right, I did teach my kids about it. We do go away. They are not permanately scarred and will in my belief fair better then the person who was not exposed to the subject in their childhood. Some people praised me and some people ridiculed me.
What should children be taught about death?
As much as possible. My son just lost his great grandmother less than 2 weeks ago. One month ago his grandmother was in the hospital and we did not think she was going to make it. His grandfather went in this week and we won't have the results back until Tuesday from the biopsy. We got real damn close there for a minute. And I don't think we are out yet. I really don't but this far in and we hear all kinds of stuff but nothing straight from the doctor.
My son has lost dogs and goldfish but the loss of his grandfather or grandmother would be .....nothing short of tragic. He loves them endlessly. I think discussing it and preparing for the fact that death happens, sometimes knowing in advance and sometimes without warning is good. However, I do not think we as adults can truly prepare kids (unless they are really young and it happens) for what that emptiness, the hole that can never be replaced is-until they meet it. They most certainly will.
I am a firm believer that when we encounter death, that pain (our pain) is from our own selfishness.We know that the best that we can hope for is to die painlessly and with warning and having made amends. As adults we know that there is life and there is death. When we cry and scream and rage it is because of *our*loss. Not the loss of life itself. It impairs *our* relationship and *our* feelings. We don't cry for the death. We cry for OURSELVES. We cry because we didn't say what we should have. We cry because we took the other person for granted. We cry because we realize that all of the pettiness that life throws at us is......just that: pettiness.
Nope, you don't get around that baby. Best you can do is to teach kids how to deal with grief. And we don't always know how they are going to react because everyone is different. And we allow that process for as long as it takes. I don't care how much warning you had, that was your sister. There is no way around it. In fact, you may have been given a gift in disguise. You understand a pain, quite early, that many people won't get until they are much more equipped (deceptive) as adults.
One last note, I read a book on Kaddish. It was written by a guy that did not want to do it. Religion was not his thing, but he did it anyway. He hated doing it. He disagreed with it. At the end, I didn't think he changed his mind about how he felt religiously. I think he was forced to face it. He was forced to grieve. I'm not Jewish and I don't think I could recite any of the process, but I know it takes a hella long time. I do think that by forcing it, it takes a lot shorter time in the long term in that way.
You should teach your children about grief by letting them be a part of the process. I remember when my grandmother was ill my parents shielded my brother and I from it. We were probably around 10 and 13. Then, when she died I was full of guilt because I didn't say goodbye.
With my own children death has been a part of their lives, and they have not been protected from it. I lost my only brother when my children were 5 and 2. They knew that we were sad, and they knew why. Of course, they didn't understand everything, and we tried not to dwell on it in front of them. Then, when they were 11 and 9, my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer. They went with us to take her for a second opinion in another city 5 hours from home. We didn't want them to miss a moment with their grandmother. Of course, they didn't go to the doctor's appointment, but they did stay with her in the motel. She passed away two months later, and my children visited her whenever they wanted to. To be honest it was very hard on them, but they are glad they spend as much time with her as they could. They are no longer small, and they speak of her often.
They have both lost other people they were close to, and they have been able to cope well with their grief. They know it is a process, and it is something that never completely goes away. We are also a family that has faith. We are not very taken with organized religion, but we do believe in God and heaven. I believe that has helped them. No one is the same, and no one will react the same to death, but I don't believe acting like it is no big deal will work. It is a big deal, and kids have to learn how to cope.
I've been going to family funerals since I was 4. I can vividly remember my cousins daring me to touch my Uncle Bernie in his casket. I can still remember he felt cold, and like rubber.
We were regular church goers, in the south, so death was just something we talked about every Sunday.
My mothers side of the family could be considered "witches" I guess. So I had a very different view of death from them, as it was more of a passing, rather than an end. I still follow that belief today, which is why I never cry at funerals.
I've been going to family funerals since I was 4. I can vividly remember my cousins daring me to touch my Uncle Bernie in his casket. I can still remember he felt cold, and like rubber.
I remember doing that when one of my cousins died when I was little. I wasn't dared, it was a sneak touch. I don't think I had even started school yet. She was four and she looked like a little doll. And it won me a trip to the restroom because my mother caught me.
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