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A very high number of children are growing up with little or no positive guidance. Many are in homes characterized by violence, anger, debt, fear, malnutrition, ignorance, substance abuse, crime, insecurity, Rx dependency, untreated clinical insanity. Some have absolutely no positive influence except raw maternal instinct being brought to bear on them to protect them from clear and impending death.
A third of all kids are dropping out of high school, and some high schools are a worse environment than the dysfunctional homes. Many of the brightest are depressed and suicidal, lacking direction, depending only on each other for life counseling.
What can be done, and who can do it, in order to try to salvage these kids and keep them from just perpetuating the same cycle generation after generation? Please don't insult our intelligence by saying "personal responsibility" on the part of the parents is needed. It is already a given that that is not present. We need a solution that will work in spite of an absence of personal responsibility.
Let's start with definitions and translations of abstract hollow concepts into something more tangible and specific:
"Positive guidance" and its goals & outcomes
"Positive influence" and its goals & outcomes
"Raw material instinct"
"Lacking direction... to...?"
"Life counseling"
"perpetuating the same cycle" - What cycle?
Finally, I think parenting is already 100 times more regulated in the USA than in former USSR, state enforcement is way more brutal and all permeating. It makes you wonder great deal about land of the free.
Good idea. I welcome your suggestions. Do you have any?
Sure I can, but since you've started the topic you must have your own ideas you'd like to share. I have a vague feeling that you pondering about the ways which would 99% guarantee successful molding of the kids into a generic middle class set of goals, purposes & values like behave, obey, run rat race and climb the ladder, don't look back, don't get depressed etc.
Sure I can, but since you've started the topic you must have your own ideas you'd like to share. I have a vague feeling that you pondering about the ways which would 99% guarantee successful molding of the kids into a generic middle class set of goals, purposes & values like behave, obey, run rat race and climb the ladder, don't look back, don't get depressed etc.
99% would be pretty unrealistic. Let's say aim for 80% stay in school until graduation, and a marked reduction in the number who raise their own children in dysfunctional homes reflecting the symptoms I outlined. Unless your goal is to give every kid the freedom to become a brain-damaged drunken child-abuser if he feels that the rat race is not for him. When you hear a mom in the supermarket loudly verbally abusing her kids and smacking them around in their cart full of frozen pop-tarts and Pepsi, you say "that's nice---she's raising them to be nonconformists and have minds of their own."
First, let me say before I start pointing fingers by saying I am not perfect, parenting is the most difficult task in the world, easily the most challenging difficult job in the world.
Every week, my wife and I do our little shopping in stores, we notice some errors by parents and here are my observations. Unanswered screaming kids, roaming kids, undisciplined children, and disrespectful parents. Unanswered screaming kids: pertains to those events where a child is screaming bloody murder and the parent ignores it. I have kids, been there, down that. Talk to the child or remove that child. Don't ignore it, take control of the situation. I did! Roaming kids: On every 5th visit to the store I see a child roaming around unchecked with no parental guidance. This lack of parental control leads me to think this occurs all the time in the child's life. My kids are much older so they walk about but I still know where they are, by doing drive-byes. Undisciplined children: Before the store trip, the parent should explain the rules such as you will get one candy IF YOUR GOOD. But let them feel special by picking the candy. Before walking into the store remind the child about the rules. Funny part, kids actually like the attention parents give them, helps them feel safe. Kids have to know the rules. Explain why we have rules. Its not to be jerks but to let them know for example running with chart is dangerous because someone might get hurt. Disrespectful parents: This all ties togethor. Parenting is 24/7 job. Parents who freely lie in bed then lack the needed effort to properly care for their children are actually disrespecting all parents. We need to bring back, holding the door open for the next guy, saying hello, thank you and good bye, ETIQUETTE. All these things I identified are seen by our little kids who follow our lead. Believe me, I'm as immature as the next guy, if not more, but we are being monitored 24/7. Kids learn from parents, bad or good.
This could be an endless list but I will stop. Below is a short list I followed while I raise my children. I know I might sound like a heathen but whatever. Spanking, love, pats on back, and discipline.
Spanking: I know in today's world, spanking is unacceptable but I did not use it or mean it to inflict pain or use it just for the h3ll of it. I have 3 children who I actually haven't spanked since their were 5 or 6, at least 10 years. Plus, I did not use man power on my kids, it was enough to get their attention. Then, after the session, I explained my reasoning and stated I loved them.
Love: I say I love you everyday. My boys (freshman and 6th grader) feel a little "iffy" but I am their Dad. I am not a freak. Theres nothing wrong telling your Pops you love him with a kiss on the cheek and hug before bedtime. We exchange heart felt I love you before bedtime. My oldest, of course my daughter, is always quick to catch before I forget.
Pats on the back: I am tough as nails on my children, but at the sametime, I will pat them on the back for a good effort. They deserve that especially since I do set high standards.
Discipline: Means following through on a task from start to finish...when no one is around. It's easy when Dad is breathing down their neck but what happens when your not around. In addition, to me, discipline applies to all the sex, drugs and rock & roll temptations. I explain its easy to fall to those temptions but a man has responsibility.
Salvaging our kids requires alot of work. Today's kids are raised by the TV, video games, friends, etc. Somewhere along the line, our children are left behind. The key is caring. My little list that I follow is nothing special. Matter of fact, some parents might feel my actions are asinine, but guess what, my children know I care. They know, I will be there through thick and thin. That's my long winded answer, caring. Caring will salvage my children. It's not, more school programs, add more money here, add money there, teachers lacking resources or the economy stinks. Parents need to stand up and care for your children. That's how we salvage our children!
99% would be pretty unrealistic. Let's say aim for 80% stay in school until graduation, and a marked reduction in the number who raise their own children in dysfunctional homes reflecting the symptoms I outlined. Unless your goal is to give every kid the freedom to become a brain-damaged drunken child-abuser if he feels that the rat race is not for him. When you hear a mom in the supermarket loudly verbally abusing her kids and smacking them around in their cart full of frozen pop-tarts and Pepsi, you say "that's nice---she's raising them to be nonconformists and have minds of their own."
You do know that 99.99% of revolutionaries had their roots in more or less privileged middle and upper middle classes? I don't mean moronic American definition of middle class. Working and lumpen classes are born to be obedient slaves, unfortunately. Why Russian Revolution became possible? Simple, the number of middle class oriented people greatly outweighed the number of legal outlets for their rat racing dreams&ambitions. Ring the bell ? Educated & critical thinking middle class failures started dreaming about a better world honoring their potential and ambitions. 80% is way too high of a number for the existing social & wealth pyramid to absorb without collapsing. Be careful what you wish for.
I find American kids & parents extremely well behaved. I do suspect that a lot of evil things going on behind the home walls and there are lots of skeletons in the closets but outside looks great. If some people are annoyed by occasional view of misbehaving kids, I think it's they not kids need a check up, no insults intended.
In my experience, there aren't that many bad kids. I encounter tons of kids who are well behaved, bright and just generally good kids. A few of the kids came from rough backgrounds, but the vast majority came from homes with involved, caring parents. Some of the families are rich and some are poor, but the parents are concerned for their children's well being.
I've also met a lot of bad kids (taught remedial classes in a high school) and across the board, the single common characteristic was a messy homelife. I know the OP asks for a solution outside the home, but it's too big of an obstacle for the average kid to overcome. Short of sterilization until proven ready to parent, you just can't stop some people from having kids who shouldn't have them and there's just nothing you can do for those kids short of taking them away from their parents. There are not enough families in the US to place all the kids from bad homes with good families. A mentor can help a few kids, but not on a useful scale.
Good question! When I was young, I noticed that we kids were “everybody’s” responsibility. In other words, other adults, outside immediate family were supporting development of a child.
While kids were in the school, the teachers took responsibility of watching over kids behavior, health, socializing etc. They gave us ideas about morals, principles, discipline, ethics and value systems. They answered questions, guided us;
gave advice, emotional support and encouragement. We used to talk with them and had no problem asking questions not related with learning material. Some teachers or other adults were considered as mentors - somebody we could confide and seek guidance. We watched and learned things from everybody. Also everyone was treating other kids like his or her own.
Everyone had a role in keeping children safe - whether they are a teacher, health worker, youth worker, sport coach, neighbor or stranger on the street.
Kids also learned that bad behavior had a consequences. A resonable non-violent punishment could be expected from other adults. A stranger on the street could make a comment when a kid was leaving litter behind. A teacher could “punish” a unruly kids with extra homework, or special project.
I would say – everyone had contributed in making kids to become decent, responsible adults.
The responsibility of rearing kids were not solely left to parents.
Today, many kids do not have anybody who would give them any kind of positive guideance. Their own parents do not know or practice morals, ethics, values or discipline. Teachers at school are told to not interfere with methods of child rearing used by their parents. Everybody is afraid to say or do anything.
But many parents are unable to teach their children health, hygiene, and eating habits through instruction and by example. They are unfit to make decisions about their child's education. They do not teach responsibilities or consequences of wrongdoing. They are not consistent and fair with discipline, cannot communicate and offer explanations to their children, and they do neglect their kids needs which leads to problems with them as they mature.
OP question about: “What can be done, and who can do it, in order to try to salvage these kids and keep them from just perpetuating the same cycle generation after generation?”is a tough one. The situation is way out of control. It would need a radicale measures to reinstall at least some sort of rules and guidelines. The whole concept of rearing children should be reevaluated and new values established.
Last edited by elnina; 03-10-2010 at 07:09 PM..
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Discipline
? Educated & critical thinking middle class failures started dreaming about a better world honoring their potential and ambitions. 80% is way too high of a number for the existing social & wealth pyramid to absorb without collapsing. Be careful what you wish for.
