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What is assisted living? She lives alone? My father passed away also but its been a while so I know how you feel.
She lives in an apartment alone upstairs in the same building where my dad lived with her before going down to the lockdown ward. It's a place where they provide all levels of care, so she was able to go visit him a lot in the lockdown ward. So they have lockdown (memory care), then they have assisted living (next step up), then apartments (more independence - where she is).
Not to get OT (but I will slightly), but I at times hate American culture and what we do to our old family members. We put them in these places to not deal with them. Ok, 'nuff said. Off soap box.
Sorry for your loss. Yes, it is tough. The memory and pain does fade, but it never really goes away.
We don't mark the anniversaries for death in my family. It's not that we didn't love the person - we did! It's just that there's nothing to gain from marking the time of death.
If your mother is sensitive to the date today, and if you recognize that and can be there emotionally for her, that's great! And hopefully she can be there for you as well, since you too are hurting.
But I wouldn't be so hard on your brothers and sisters for not recognizing it. They may be celebrating their love for their father everyday in their hearts, and feel no need to actually mark the day he died - and if you think about it, that's actually a good way to deal the loss.
I talked to my mother who lived several states away once or twice a week for the 13 yrs she lived after father's death. But I did not call specifically on the anniversary of his death.
^^^Same thing..almost. My mom died about a year and a half ago. I talk to my father about 2 or 3 times a week, but I didn't call on the anniversary either. There wasn't a point to call or not call either way. We talk regularly enough, that I would have called close to that time.
Ok, so dad died a year ago today. I live out of state and have made it a point to call my mother several times today to chit cat about her church service, her entertainment this afternoon at her assisted living place (you know, just to see how she is doing since today is the one year day). She seems to be holding up well.
I have three siblings who all live there. Not a one has called or stopped to visit her. Something is wrong with this picture or I am warped in how I think things should go in these situations. I'm glad she is as she is and not as I am or I'd be devastated if I were her getting no calls or visits. That's just me. Am I right or wrong or is there no right or wrong or what are your thoughts? Seems a bit cold to me to just forget about him completely like this and not even acknowledge things and not contact her. Everyone is too busy with their families this weekend I guess.
Expecting anyone, especially siblings or spouses, to always behave the way you choose to behave, and think they should too, is just setting yourself up to be disappointed and frustrated.
I would quit expending energy this way, as it's an exercise in futility.
Just do what YOU think is right FOR YOU and quit wasting time worrying about what you think other people should be doing. Remember, what you think and believe is just that - what you believe, but that doesn't make it the only truth or belief everyone should have.
Sorry for the sad anniversary, I'm sure you really miss your dad.
Why don't you call on days other than the anniversary? It would seem that calling on the anniversary would drive the fact home that your dad is gone, and would go miles towards making your mother feel worse about it all. Call at other times to make things more positive when you call your mother.
The bigger question is, do the other siblings call your mother other times? If I recall your history correctly there is one that run for your mother, and your suspicsions are based on a gut feeling from 2000 miles away. You can't and shouldn't tell them how to act or not act. If a sibling does that to me I tell them to shove off.
Just keep doing what you are doing. It comes from the heart.
My dad passed away 11 years ago and I still think of him everyday. On the 1 year anniversary, I found a penny on my bathroom floor. I called my mom to tell her right away.
My sisters are very good about visiting the gravesite and putting fresh flowers there. I always found it hard to go there, however, after my mother passed away, I now go more often especially on the holidays.
So, always remember your mom. At this point, she remembers.
I always try to remind my husband to talk to his dad about his mom. He finds that hard. It's not the same coming from me.
I know it's hard with siblings but don't judge - just do what you think YOU should do and I think you did the right thing.
My dad died about 8 years ago in mid-October, but I don't remember the date. My mom died about 4 years ago, but I don't remember the date. Anniversaries of deaths are just not something that I think about, other than that of my late wife. I remember their birthdays. Those are happy days to remember. Maybe your sibs are like me. It doesn't mean I didn't love them nor that don't miss them.
It would seem that calling on the anniversary would drive the fact home that your dad is gone, and would go miles towards making your mother feel worse about it all.
These days (particularly the first one) are very hard on people who have lost loved ones.
These days (particularly the first one) are very hard on people who have lost loved ones.
The first year is referred to the "year of firsts"..... first birthday, first time you go to the supermarket and reflexivly want to buy their favorite foods.. the first time you want to call them with news and can't.....
It's heart-numbingly horrible. I would rather die myself than EVER go through that again.
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Death of a parent
