Are you staying in the house you shared with your spouse, or moving?

[tngirl205]

I have another question that I am pondering, and I am asking for your answers/opinions on this subject. Again, I know this is a personal decision, no right or wrong, each person has to make their own choice.

I am currently in the house that WE bought 6 years ago. There are memories of him EVERYWHERE, as I'm sure you can relate in your own experience. I walk by his bedroom and look for him, remembering him hating the fact that he was pretty much confined to that bed. I am wanting to replace the living room sectional because I see him sitting in his one spot. So I am thinking of a few changes I might want to make in this house to make it "mine."

Then, out of the blue, the house on the private street behind this house comes on the market for sale. 3 of the families on that street go to my church, and I have been friends with, and they have "adopted" me into their families....wonderful people. I looked online at the virtual tour, liked it, got with the realtor who showed it to me on Wednesday, and I find myself considering the house.

But I am not sure which way to turn. Do I want to stay here with all the memories of the physical stuff, or do I want to have a place that I can make my own? I have had friends tell me that if their husband died, there is no way they would choose to stay in "their" house. Another friend said they stay because they are comforted by the memories. Another friend said that if moved to another house, I would never have any physical memories of him there.

When I recently bought my new car (something we had talked about before he died), it was the first time I had ever bought something that major....and I felt so liberated and confident!! That was the first purchase for my "new" life. I am wondering if this house would give me that same feeling.

I have been praying about it but nothing has convinced me one way or the other. Does anyone understand how I am feeling? Of course, I feel all alone in this decision, and realize it is my decision alone. Guess I just like to weigh options and get opinions so I can make the best choice. And then, I guess we are never guaranteed anything. I appreciate any comments. And thanks for listening.

[Wayland Woman]

I have looked at condos to down-size to but I'm in no hurry, just wanted to see what options are out there. I'm not "haunted" by the memories in this house. They actually comfort me because my husband just loved this house and so do I. The only reason I'm thinking of moving is to be closer to my family but it's scary to think about leaving a known area and neighborhood for the unknown. I, too, bought a new car---traded in the wheelchair friendly vehicle and I couldn't do that fast enough. If I don't move next spring, I will redecorate. In the meantime I am selling off my husband's stuff little by little and re-claiming the space for me. From everything I've read you shouldn't make a decision like this until you're out a year from your spouse's passing. I can see why. When mine first passed away in January moving was all I could think about and now I'm turning away from the idea little by little.

[Ohiogirl81]

My neighbor said the other day: "I would have thought you'd have beaten a path back to Ohio by now."

Well, here I am.

Truth is, I don't know if leaving the places we frequented and enjoyed will be as painful as going past them every day.

[sera]

One woman I heard couldn't look at her late husband's chair, so she sat in it and looked at her chair! For myself,
the bedroom closet I have made mine, except for things our son might want the same with the dresser in the bedroom.

As Wayland Woman and others say, do not make any decisions for a year. At the moment, that is what I am choosing
to do. Think I would like to be in a more populated town, a smaller home, yard. We have lived 18 years in this home. Trying to adjust to DH being in Heaven is a major adjustment without the thought, stress of moving right now.

New car gave made you feel liberated, confident. Perhaps, taking a room at a time, making changes, letting go or
moving DH's belongs to the garage, making each room to your tastes would be an idea rather than a major change of
moving?

[yellowsnow]

H picked this house. I thought it was OK but it's not what I would have chosen. Actually I would like to move but the location is perfect and the remodel is almost done. That was so much work, I just feel like resting for a while. I know if I bought a different house, the whole thing would start all over again. It would be a lot of expense and effort to move.

Luckily, the house has been a construction zone for ages and as things are finished and refurnished there's less of H here. The next big project is the Master Suite and we never shared that room at all. We finished the other bedroom first. After that room is finished I will buy new furniture and it will be my room.

The garage is another story. It is packed with his stuff. AND my parents stuff. I am bound and determined to be able to park in the garage by the end of the year. I have to make myself start working in there and opening the boxes. I have to go through everything. I've been avoiding it but it has to be done. I keep telling myself to do just a little every week. Just till the trash cans are full. So far, no luck with that.

I probably won't move. The more I think about it, the more work it becomes. It was much easier to move when we packed and did it together.

[Marcy1210]

I had no choice but to move, and right away. We had a home in CO we'd lived in for 35 years and a snowbird condo we bought in AZ in 2008. The place in CO was large, expensive and rural. The condo in AZ is in the foothills, but within walking distance to just about everything and the perfect size. I didn't need a big house, so the condo was the better choice.

I put the house on the market within 2 months of his death. Since I had to downsize significantly, I had my kids come from around the country to the house and help me decide what to sell, donate, trash or put in storage for them (one was overseas with her husband, and they just PCS's back to Atlanta after 4 years in Europe). Now that everyone's in the States, we're coming together in Kansas and going through the storage stuff. It's been 2 1/2 years, and I've forgotten what all is in storage, but I get first dibs in case I have donor's remorse and want some stuff back. Because I was dealing with his sudden death at 59, I had to sell his law firm, his vehicles, his workshop tools and wood work equipment, the house, arrange for movers, deal with the estate lawyers, transfer everything to my name, and on and on and on and on...till I wanted to scream.

I had it done in six months. Lots of life changing events in a short time. It hit me hard on the one year anniversary and I had a mini emotional breakdown. Now, I get to be unsettled again for a while, but I may get to say hello to some precious things I packed away without thinking. I'm glad I didn't give them away early, that the last things I have I can still reclaim. But, this too shall pass, and I'll fall back into my semblance of a routine after the divvying of the stuff is done...it sometimes feels like it'll never end. I think I'll be pleased with reclaiming what I'd given away, but the kids will be a little put out that I've changed my mind and they may not get as much as they thought they would. To that I say pshaw!

I had a garage to work through, as well. Full of tools, power tools, antique tools, and six of each kind of tool. Circular saw, Sawzalls, table saw, drill press and smaller hand tools. My sons-in-law divvied them up. I kept a well stocked toolbox that had basics in it, but they were also his favorites. Soon, we will be through with this almost three year project. Then, maybe, I can move on to my life.....

[desertrose09]

We lived here less than a year and talked about buying a house with a smaller yard after he recovered. After my husband died I decided it was best for me to stay where I am because of the low property taxes. It's been almost two years and I'm slowing making the house and yard mine. I imagine him walk down the hall and I hear him put his keys on the dresser and tell me about his day. I sometime wonder if I should just start over and move but can't really afford to. My husband wanted a vegetable garden but I wanted a desert plant garden. I just had my garden put in but will probably add a tomato plant in honor of my husband...they will taste good too.

Tngirl205, having friends near sure makes the move sound attactive. Some widows I've met had no choice but to move soon after losing their husbands but did special things like hang his hat at the new home. One friend couldn't really move on with her life until she left the home she shared with her husband.

[grace omalley]

DH and I lived in our present home for fifteen years before he died. I knew from the beginning that I would not be staying in this house. I don't know what we were thinking when we bought it but it is much too big and the upkeep is constant and expensive. I have been working for the past eighteen months cleaning it and emptying it out and getting repairs done. I put it on the market and it sold in one day. I sold all the furniture and most of our belongings. I am keeping a few items of sentimental value: his hat, a vase we bought on our last trip to the mountains, his aunt's china, and a few other things. Oh, and I am taking many of our Christmas ornaments because there are so many memories attached to those.
Now I am moving on to a new life and a new, much smaller home close to family. Leaving the home we shared is sad but I will take all the good memories with me and cherish them.

[tngirl205]

I sure do appreciate all the comments and replies to my question about considering moving to another house. I have still been praying about whether I should consider this other house or not. This other house is about 1300 sq ft, 3 BR, 2 BA, 2-car garage. Taxes are similarly low as the house I am in. The yard is a bit smaller, too.

Today my church participated working at a Habitat for Humanity house in town (what a wonderful experience for me), and 2 of the families on this new street were there also. The guy who would live 2 doors down from this house I am considering told me he went and looked at the house, and thought it needed a new roof. Then he added that they would love for me to live there where they could watch out for me and help me whenever I needed anything. That makes a huge difference for me....they may not be real family, but they are the next best thing....my adopted family!

When we first got to this Habitat house, I saw Donna, the realtor who originally sold us the house I am in now. We got "caught up" on things. I called her later and told her about the new house and we are going to look at it again next week. I have a personal friend that is a real estate inspector, and he is going to meet us there. If he feels there is nothing wrong with the house (except cosmetic and the roof), then I am going to proceed with trying to buy it. Will have to sell my house first though.

Bottom line is....if this is what God wants me to do, I have faith that it will work out. If I am meant to stay here, that will work out too. I will keep you all posted.

[tamiznluv]

I have a peculiar situation...

June '92 Mom died. Oct.'04 Dad died. Being an only brat, I got the house. Dec. '04 both hubby and I lose our jobs. (We worked together.) Jan. '05 hubby came here to clean it out and repaint. I drove Dad's car to Texas to give to my daughter. Since we were both collecting, hubby stayed here through the summer "keeping an eye on it". Then we switched places. I came here and hubby went back to our house and when his unemployment ran out, he got another job. Then I tried to remortage this house and was told I needed to live here for at least a year for a loan. I stayed a year, got the loan, paid of my vehicles, credit cards and our house. Problem was I had reconnected with friends who still live in town and made new ones and I didn't want to go back to our house. I wanted hubby to come here. He said no, his work was only 20 mins away and over and hour and 20 mins from here plus this house is more than 1/2 the size of our house! So we started to live seperately. Within the year we found out he had the cancer. He still wouldn't move here because he was going back to work when he was done his chemo and radiation. He only stayed here when the radiation made him sick as a dog. He went into remission for 3 years, went back to work and then it came back. When his short term insurance ran out, the company fired him. Meanwhile I had gotten a job that was 10 mins from here. Now the shoe is on the other foot! His visits became longer and longer in between. He said he didn't want me to see him like that. Sometimes he called and said he couldn't make it. Sometimes I went down there for a day trip because I have animals to care for and moving bird cages all the time was not going to happen. I didn't stay long because he wouldn't let me. He was right, it was horrible.

One day he called me up and said he thought it was time for me to come get him. I went down to get him.That was such a sad time. I waited out in the car while he said goodbye to his home. I don't even remember driving home to here.

Whew, had to walk away and go blow my nose and dry my eyes. This is tough telling our story.

When he did talk in the car, it was to b*tch about my driving. When we got here, all he did was complain about everything and refuse to let me help him with anything. I cried and/or yelled everyday for the 10 days he was here. I went to work early! He kept saying he should of stayed home and a couple of times I agreed with him.

He had brought his gun with him and I saw him put it under the couch cushion. He was getting mean and bullsh*t with everything I did. I was scared of him getting the gun and coming into the bedroom and shooting my brains out. I didn't sleep except when I passed out. One day, while he was in the bathroom, I quick like a bunny took the gun and hid it in my nightstand drawer. THEN I was scared he'd find it missing and would come after me when I was asleep but I finally fell into a deep sleep.

3 hours after I fell asleep I was awakened by shattering glass and a terrible commotion out in the livingroom. He was on the floor with the bookcase I used as a room divider on the floor also. He had listened to my last b*tching about getting him a hospital bed and yet he still remained on the couch hunched over 24/7. He had gone to the bathroom (when I snatched the gun) and after I had gone to bed, had gone to the hospital bed. He had listened. Except he hadn't zipped up his pants and since he was 50 lbs, when he got up to go again, the pants fell down and he lost his balance and crashed into the bookcase.

Got him to the bathroom, I lifted him up under the arms and just carried him, and then back to the hospital bed. I went and sat in my chair where I can see into the computer room where the bed was and he again got up and was shuffling towards the bathroom and I got up and got his walker and tried to hand it to him and he got this "deer in the headlight" look and he tried to run from me and ended up taking a header in the refridgerator. I picked him up again and planted him back on the couch. I called our friend (hubby wanted to know who I was talking to and I lied and said work.) who was the hospice nurse that we'd had for a couple of days and Michael came quick as he could. Found a room down the Cape in hospice for him, had him sign a DNR and called an ambulance.

He was there for 3 days and 2 1/2 nights. The night he died wa the first time I had forgotten to take my cell phone with me and I never heard it ring a couple of times and they did not call me until after 9 that morning. He died at 3:30.

I have been beating myself up not being there when he died yet when I'd go out for a smoke at Hospice, I'd be in the car praying I wouldn't see it. I just feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO friggin' bad that he died alone. (time out)

Ha! I just sat down, looked at what I was typing and said "WTH" thread am I in talking abut this?" Mind you, I got on the wagon about 3 weeks ago so I have no excuse!

Gads, I am so sorry to be so long winded but I'm not going to delete this. LOL.

Back to the house....yes, I have this house on the market. I am going back to our house where I have good memories.