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It's been about a year since a friend of mine -- we knew each other from a job 20 or so years ago -- killed herself. It struck me that what makes me so angry is not even the suicide -- it's the crappy attitude of some of our mutual "friends" as manifested at the memorial service.
I had to call the police to take this person to the hospital the year before she died. She had all these nonexistent physical ailments caused by dosing herself with laxatives and stuff instead of eating. She thought her house was full of bugs. It wasn't. She had been talking about her depression for years and refused to do anything about it, saying nobody was enlightened enough to help her. She told me she was planning to kill herself, she said had a plan to do it and she gave me a firm deadline as well. I knew she had been going downhill for some time but I could not stand still for this, so I filled out a petition and went with the cops to cart her off to what turned out to be a very nice hospital with a good reputation.
So she calls me the next day and in an extended tongue-lashing tells me she wants nothing further to do with me, that she was tired of supporting my sorry self, and that the ward was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and utterly filthy -- which I saw with my own eyes was not true.
The next day, we got a fax at my office from someone I never heard of, claiming to be my friend's attorney and demanding copies of all the paperwork that put her in the hospital. No release of information was included with the fax, so there was no chance this person was getting any response. The same person called my boss later that day and gave her an earful of how what I did was illegal and crazy and la de da. My boss explained to her carefully that anyone concerned about someone's safety can petition them into the hospital and there is nothing illegal or abusive about it. The ER, in fact, could have sent her home if they had not agreed with me that she was in crappy shape and not safe to go home. My boss implied strongly to the enraged caller that this friend needed a close eye kept on her in the future so that her friends and family could continue to petition her to keep her alive.
So I respected my friend's request, never called her again, and heard nothing more about it until her husband called to say she had killed herself and that I was invited to the memorial service. He said she had tried it over and over and NOBODY hospitalized her. He said I was the only one who tried to do anything. He hugged me in front of everyone and thanked me for that, but then we turned around and there they all were, whispering behind their hands about us like a bunch of middle schoolers. The woman who faxed and called my boss was there. She was not an attorney, as it turns out. The woman who had it explained to her how she could save our friend's life if she knew that she was suicidal. And did nothing; apparently she didn't pass it on to a single soul who might also have wanted to know how to save our friend's life.
Coming up on the anniversary of her pointless death, I just hope this woman is satisfied.
So often women have this myterious thing about ganging up to "support" each other. In these cases, it has often seemed to me that all that matters is the actual "support"; the objective, rational, logical reasons for it are beside the point. It is emotional, not analytical. What you reported on above is an extreme example, but I have seen it in action right here on City-Data. I have also seen it operative in the workplace.
So often women have this myterious thing about ganging up to "support" each other. In these cases, it has often seemed to me that all that matters is the actual "support"; the objective, rational, logical reasons for it are beside the point. It is emotional, not analytical. What you reported on above is an extreme example, but I have seen it in action right here on City-Data. I have also seen it operative in the workplace.
as have i----you tried to help and it showed your appropriate support and compassion---sometimes all we CAN do is try
I agree with ER and Auntie - you did what you could do, what was allowable by law to do. There was nothing more to be done on your part.
As for the others, here are my thoughts.
People can have misguided good intentions. The woman who tried to interfere w/ the hospitalization obviously thought she was right and you were wrong. Nothing is ever going to change her mind about that. It doesn't matter who said something to her at the time, or who tried to enlighten her to the danger her friend was putting herself in -- this lady disagreed and for whatever reason did not believe or trust what anyone else said about her friend's welfare.
Holding onto anger towards that woman is fruitless. Just mark her off as ignorant. She is not your friend; has never been your friend. She has no standing in your life. Why should you care what she thinks or has said or even continues to say about the situation (or even you, in particular?)
You know in your heart, and you were told by your friend's husband, that you did what you could to try to get her help. That's all you need to be concerned with. You did what was the morally and ethically right thing do. Once we take action, we have no control over how the other people involved will react. That is not something we can control. All we can do is set things in motion. It is up to others to decide how they will proceed after that point. Your friend lashed out at you and instead of appreciating that you cared enough for her to stick your neck out and take action on her behalf, she was too wrapped up in her own pathology to recognize a helping hand and reach for it. That was her decision.
Anyone else in her life made their own decisions, as well.
Do not waste your psychic energy on being angry with the "know it all" faux lawyer. It sounds as though she has a laundry list of her own problems (impersonating an attorney is kinda "out there!") She is not worthy of your attention. Rather, channel your negative thoughts about her into compassion, b/c she probably is an interferring busybody who spreads discontent wherever she goes, and thrives on creating drama. Do not give her any power in your life - b/c at this point, that IS what you are doing. Even thinking about her still makes you angry. Try thinking about her as if she were a crippled, clueless, pitiful person - b/c that is what she is. She is not worth the effort to even think about her.
Why didn't her husband have her committed any of those times?? Why did it have to be an outsider?
I wondered about that, as well! Good question!
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