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Thank you all!!! This is exactly what I need to hear. Exactly! You guys are very compassionate and I thank you for taking the time to post.
You mom's spirit will always live on. That's the part that is still alive and all you need to know for sure.
If you need more assurance, I think you might want to chat with a clergy member or maybe seek professional counseling to help you learn to deal with death because that might be one of the issues here.
Hi all, this is the first time that I will have to deal with funeral arrangements. My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer even though she has never smoked a day in her life. She is under hospice care now. I am still debating on pushing her to choose cremation but the only reason for that would be for the low cost cause then there will be money left for one of my sisters whom my mom is very, very worried about after she passes.
Sorry, kinda off topic there. Anyway, my question is what can I say to the funeral director to make sure that she is dead, dead. Can I say take out her heart and show it to me? I guess embaling would really let me know that she is dead, dead but that costs quite a bit, doesn't it?
My sisters and I just don't want to walk away from her burial or cremation and wonder, "have we left our mom alive?" It is really bothering me. Do you guys have any suggestions? Thank you sooo much!
((((Moorhen3)))) I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think your question shows how much grief and anxiety you're experiencing.
You may actually be at your mom's side when she passes and you'll know what I mean when I say: you can see that they've moved on. I was with my grandma when she passed and she took one last breath and was gone. It was very apparent. I didn't need doctors to look at machines and tell me.
Also, this might help you feel a little better: when people are found alive in funeral homes etc. it's usually happening in other countries rarely in the U.S.
The other thing you can do is to sit with your mom for an hour or more after she's passed to really see for yourself that she isn't in her body any longer.
Take care. I really feel for you. I'm not close to my mom, but I know my boys will be devastated when it's my turn.
At the risk of sounding a bit morbid, there a particular odor to death that becomes noticeable within a very few hours. I can't describe it but you'll know it when you experience another's death. To me and others that's a sure sign that death has, in fact, occurred. Even with caregivers present there is no law I know of that says a body has to be immediately removed. Wait awhile if that will bring you confidence that your loved one isn't just asleep or comatose.
I'm very sorry to hear that your mother is so ill and that you are processing her passing even before the trauma of even losing her. Trust me, there will be plenty of time later to deal with that -let me encourage you to spend as much time with your mom right now that you possibly can - and please make her final weeks or days here on earth meaningful and give her the dignity she deserves. If she is in Hospice - you have at your very disposal a tremendous source of information about death. Ask your hospice nurse to speak with you (not in front of your mother, of course) about the death process, what happens, what to do, the necessity of autopsy or embalming (or lack of need), and also they have some pamphlets that are instrumental in helping you to understand death and what to expect. It isn't so scary when you have someone to guide you and your loved one - they are tremendous. Your hospice nurse will likely be in attendance with your mother when she passes and they will be able to "pronounce" her - and I am positive they will not make a mistake. There is no need to fear that your mother will not be actually deceased when she is laid to rest. You might also want to seek out a funeral home in your area now, in advance, and see what they have to offer, discuss what they do and ask any questions you have about the procedure. They can help you decide how you want to proceed, offer payment options, and take a huge amount of worry off your shoulders right now - freeing up your mind and spirit to concentrate on spending this time with your mother. Personally, if she has not made her wishes known prior to this time, I would not press her now although she is probably more at peace with her destiny than you are. If she wants to contribute her wishes as to what she would like to have done with her body then by all means you should honor it. If she is unable to communicate those wishes then I think you should decide yourself, based on your knowledge of her throughout your lifetime. You should have a pretty concise idea of who she is and what she would want done. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is sad, but don't fear it. It is part of life and we must all experience it one way or another. I often think those who have gone ahead are far better off than those of us left behind in some instances. If you have other family members to offer you support now I encourage you to reach out and hold onto them. Take care of yourself.
You mom's spirit will always live on. That's the part that is still alive and all you need to know for sure.
If you need more assurance, I think you might want to chat with a clergy member or maybe seek professional counseling to help you learn to deal with death because that might be one of the issues here.
I hope you find peace and a solution to this.
Thanks. As far as her spirit I know very well where she'll be and that I will see her again. The thing is that my mind always goes to the negative stuff right away and I need to find ways to combat these thoughts. She is also claustrophobic and is worried about it as well. But on the spiritual side, no, I really do have a very strong faith on what is to come after we die and I know that death is just part of all our existence here on earth. But these irrational thoughts are stemming from a battle with anxiety that I have had to deal with almost my whole life.
All: I just spoke with the hospice nurse. He definitely sound a bit annoyed that I had such a fear but was willing to step through the order of things when her body begins to shut down. He will also leave some information on what happens shortly before death or right after, can't remember what he said.
I have to tell ya'll this story the nurse told me because I found it quite amusing considering my irrational fears. He said he had a patient who once he passed he wanted to be taken to the hospital for five days. After those five days he wanted to be placed back on his couch at home for just in case he woke up. Made me feel good that I was not the only one with such irrational fears.
Anyway, the nurse also recommended I get in touch with a funeral home which I already texted the social worker to hopefully get a list from him.
The good news though, he says that my mom is no where near on a decline. But because the cancer has spread to her brain she does have some slurred speech though still not too bad as far as her speech. And her mind is definitely still sharp.
Irrational fears are as painful as rational ones. My husband chose to be cremated because he couldn't stand the thought of being buried.
I can't stand the thought either.
My stepmother passed in February and was cremated... we scattered her ashes in the ocean. That would be my choice over eternity decaying in a box... without question.
You know, I also thought that hospice care was a physical facility, a building per se. When I told the girl from hospice, the one who initially contacted me, she told me that that kind of set up was like 10 years ago but now, at least with this hospice group, the patients are at their home. There are a whole hosts of people that can visit her and take care of her at her own home. Believe me, I myself am just learning about this. So there is a nurse, an lvn (I think that is what he/she is called), a cna, and a provider. The provider is the one who stays with my mom as long as necessary, 8 hours if needed to wash her, clothe her, clean the house, etc. The nurse, depending on the health of my mom, will visit her only once a week or more depending on what determinations they make. So far, as he said, she seems fine, but that the cancer has spread, metastatic cancer they called, is for sure according to MRIs or CT scans (can't really know for sure since when the dr. told me I was too in shock to ask questions). mod cut
Last edited by Sam I Am; 10-28-2013 at 07:03 PM..
Reason: orphaned
Hospice...........my wife is on Hospice ( paralyzed after 2 year, 8 month battle with ALS )
I am my wife's caregiver.
Hospice RN comes 2 a week
Hospice CNA comes 5 times a week and gives my wife her bed bath.
I can assure you Hospice will not provide ........8 hours if needed care.
That is the responsibility of the family to provide a full time caregiver or hire one at the family's expense.
Hospice bills my wife's Medicare and we receive no bill, but Hospice charge to Medicare is high.( I am surprised Medicare pays it all )
Every 2 months my wife gets evaluated.
If she shows improvement, she gets kicked off Hospice as the purpose of Hospice is to assist the dying.
Being my wife has ALS, there is no such thing as showing improvement.
You know, I also thought that hospice care was a physical facility, a building per se. When I told the girl from hospice, the one who initially contacted me, she told me that that kind of set up was like 10 years ago but now, at least with this hospice group, the patients are at their home. There are a whole hosts of people that can visit her and take care of her at her own home. Believe me, I myself am just learning about this. So there is a nurse, an lvn (I think that is what he/she is called), a cna, and a provider. The provider is the one who stays with my mom as long as necessary, 8 hours if needed to wash her, clothe her, clean the house, etc. The nurse, depending on the health of my mom, will visit her only once a week or more depending on what determinations they make. So far, as he said, she seems fine, but that the cancer has spread, metastatic cancer they called, is for sure according to MRIs or CT scans (can't really know for sure since when the dr. told me I was too in shock to ask questions). So Tami, I'm glad you are trying to protect this board community cause I would be doing the same. But I am not a member with my first post. I have a history with this site, City Data I mean, and I would not lie for any reason especially not on something like this.
mod cut I also did not know that hospice would come to the home. I wonder if that's in all states? That's great if it is.
I'm sorry you are going to lose your mom sooner rather than later. Been there, done that. (((HUGS)))
Last edited by Sam I Am; 10-28-2013 at 07:04 PM..
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