How can I assure my mom that she will not be buried alive?...
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Moorhen - just a couple of more thoughts - having been through this with both of my parents I do understand all. You mentioned that you have an extremely strong faith and yet you are afraid of death. I know it's human nature to be afraid of it but your mother is dying a natural death, in a relatively comfortable setting which (to me) is not as fearful as the possibility of say, getting killed in a car crash or dying in a painful sort of way. That is what scares me - the pain and shock of a lingering and painful death. I would much rather "go to sleep and not wake up". Hospice is pallative care - they can administer powerful drugs to help with pain control. My mother's cancer had spread dramatically and had also reached her brain. By that time she was no longer lucid at all, and would try and hold her head and she would scream non-stop. The meds they gave her barely suppressed it - it was heartbreaking and it nearly killed my Dad to see her in such pain. If your nurse seems "annoyed" with you it could be because you are trying to orchestrate this long distance. By your admission you are 4 hours away. You can't expect them to check in with you or to make arrangements for you - there are things you need to take care of yourself. If you cannot arrange to be closer to her - maybe one of your sisters should be making the decisions. They are there locally - they could be checking around with funeral homes, and asking questions. Because you are the oldest does not inherently mean that you are "in charge". I was chosen by my parents to be their caretakers and I was the youngest of 3 kids. I was the "sensible" one, the responsible one and the one they could always depend on. Because of or perhaps in spite of that - I didn't marry or have children until they were both gone - my time was for them. They chose wisely. If this is beyond your capability - don't feel like you have to do it. You can certainly share the responsibility or hand it over completely. It's not about you - it's about your mother's well being. Hospice only steps in when there is a documented life expectancy left of about 6 months. Your time is dwindling every day. If you can at all possibly manage it - I would encourage you to get closer to her for these last few months, love her, share your fears and perhaps your own aversion to death will disappear. Good luck to you and your family.
Hospice did come to our family home to treat our Mom (in Ohio). When Dad passed, he was in an assisted living facility where my sister worked (also in Ohio) and Hospice cared for him there - right up to the very end. They are some of the finest, most caring and devoted nurses you will ever encounter in your life. I will forever be indebted to them for their compassion and kindness.
You know, I also thought that hospice care was a physical facility, a building per se. When I told the girl from hospice, the one who initially contacted me, she told me that that kind of set up was like 10 years ago but now, at least with this hospice group, the patients are at their home. There are a whole hosts of people that can visit her and take care of her at her own home. Believe me, I myself am just learning about this. So there is a nurse, an lvn (I think that is what he/she is called), a cna, and a provider. The provider is the one who stays with my mom as long as necessary, 8 hours if needed to wash her, clothe her, clean the house, etc. The nurse, depending on the health of my mom, will visit her only once a week or more depending on what determinations they make. So far, as he said, she seems fine, but that the cancer has spread, metastatic cancer they called, is for sure according to MRIs or CT scans (can't really know for sure since when the dr. told me I was too in shock to ask questions). So Tami, I'm glad you are trying to protect this board community cause I would be doing the same. But I am not a member with my first post. I have a history with this site, City Data I mean, and I would not lie for any reason especially not on something like this.
you don't have family members to help you through this? when my mother died back in june of this year I had to deal with hospice and doctors and when the end was near, everybody at hospice and her doctors knew she was close to dying. as hard as it was for me and my sisters death was almost a welcome relief, our mother was so sick and had already suffered enough and was only a tiny shell of herself. you never want to see people you love suffer so much, we miss her real bad but we are more happier that she didn't have to suffer anymore and gone on home to be with the lord. family was important during this time and my pastor was there every step of the way. my sisters, aunts, uncles, my mother cousins other family members and friends were all there to help us in anything we needed. this is the time when family comes together and lean on each other. death is not an easy thing for most of us to accept and none of us is here to stay, that's one appointment we are all going to keep like it or not. we have to think ahead and prepare for it as beast we can and lean on your faith during these tough times.
Many many years ago people would be buried with their toes sticking above ground with a bell attached to it just incase they were still alive and not just asleep, the graveyard keeper would do a walk through to listen for bells, I'm sure he didn't hear any, suffocation would take care of any sleepers.
But the OPs worried about her Mom would worry me too if that were my Mom.
Is this your mother's fear or yours? The simple way to do this is to lay her out in your home for the viewing, if there's going to be one, with no enbalming. I hate to be gross but when she starts to decompose, she's gone and not coming back.
Moorhen - just a couple of more thoughts - having been through this with both of my parents I do understand all. You mentioned that you have an extremely strong faith and yet you are afraid of death. I know it's human nature to be afraid of it but your mother is dying a natural death, in a relatively comfortable setting which (to me) is not as fearful as the possibility of say, getting killed in a car crash or dying in a painful sort of way. That is what scares me - the pain and shock of a lingering and painful death. I would much rather "go to sleep and not wake up". Hospice is pallative care - they can administer powerful drugs to help with pain control. My mother's cancer had spread dramatically and had also reached her brain. By that time she was no longer lucid at all, and would try and hold her head and she would scream non-stop. The meds they gave her barely suppressed it - it was heartbreaking and it nearly killed my Dad to see her in such pain. If your nurse seems "annoyed" with you it could be because you are trying to orchestrate this long distance. By your admission you are 4 hours away. You can't expect them to check in with you or to make arrangements for you - there are things you need to take care of yourself. If you cannot arrange to be closer to her - maybe one of your sisters should be making the decisions. They are there locally - they could be checking around with funeral homes, and asking questions. Because you are the oldest does not inherently mean that you are "in charge". I was chosen by my parents to be their caretakers and I was the youngest of 3 kids. I was the "sensible" one, the responsible one and the one they could always depend on. Because of or perhaps in spite of that - I didn't marry or have children until they were both gone - my time was for them. They chose wisely. If this is beyond your capability - don't feel like you have to do it. You can certainly share the responsibility or hand it over completely. It's not about you - it's about your mother's well being. Hospice only steps in when there is a documented life expectancy left of about 6 months. Your time is dwindling every day. If you can at all possibly manage it - I would encourage you to get closer to her for these last few months, love her, share your fears and perhaps your own aversion to death will disappear. Good luck to you and your family.
Hospice did come to our family home to treat our Mom (in Ohio). When Dad passed, he was in an assisted living facility where my sister worked (also in Ohio) and Hospice cared for him there - right up to the very end. They are some of the finest, most caring and devoted nurses you will ever encounter in your life. I will forever be indebted to them for their compassion and kindness.
Thank you. Unfortunately the family dynamics between my two sisters and I aren't that great. Actually what I mean is that neither of my other two sisters want to take responsibility. No wait, actually my sister caring for her is there with her but it looks like it is starting to get VERY overwhelming for her. My other sister just has the attitude of I've got my life (no husband, three daughters, she has to work) so you have to step in and take care of things. And me, I have my children in school and husband who travels (or lives as I see it) in another state. My mom does have a sister who lives in the same city but she too has other responsibilities although it sounds like she is making every effort to be there.
I will travel every Friday and return on Saturdays. Believe me, I feel in a way kinda lucky that we have this time still with her. In a way we are having a preparation time and hopefully it won't be so much of a shock once she passes on. And as far as being afraid of death, well, I think I'm afraid of the pain can come with it, but after that, no, I really do know where I or my mom or we are going and it is back to the arms of a loving Father in Heaven.
Hi all, this is the first time that I will have to deal with funeral arrangements. My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer even though she has never smoked a day in her life. She is under hospice care now. I am still debating on pushing her to choose cremation but the only reason for that would be for the low cost cause then there will be money left for one of my sisters whom my mom is very, very worried about after she passes.
Sorry, kinda off topic there. Anyway, my question is what can I say to the funeral director to make sure that she is dead, dead. Can I say take out her heart and show it to me? I guess embaling would really let me know that she is dead, dead but that costs quite a bit, doesn't it?
My sisters and I just don't want to walk away from her burial or cremation and wonder, "have we left our mom alive?" It is really bothering me. Do you guys have any suggestions? Thank you sooo much!
OK so it's not your MOM that needs reassurance it's you, right? ALL the sisters have this fear or just YOU?
If she hasn't stated a preference burial over cremation then leave it alone. Then cremate her if you guys want. If you mom CARED, she would have said something, right?
You will see and touch her body and know she is deceased. Either at the hospice or at the funeral home.
Sit there until you feel it is true. If you can't say you believe she is deceased after a reasonable amount of time, then the staff needs to have professionals there to assist you.
Watch Long Island Medium on TLC. After people you love pass over, even a favorite DOG, fear of death should subside. Because everyone you care about is THERE!
Is this your mother's fear or yours? The simple way to do this is to lay her out in your home for the viewing, if there's going to be one, with no enbalming. I hate to be gross but when she starts to decompose, she's gone and not coming back.
I'm beginning to think that once the time comes, embalming will be the best option. But I need to talk to a funeral director and see what other options there might be, if any. I have no idea about this stuff.
All: the hospice nurse called me again a little while ago. He told me that my mom wants to get a second opinion (I knew this already). He said that if she does, hospice will stop but he still recommended that we go ahead so that we could say that we tried everything-of course I agree. The next step is to go to her primary doctor and ask her for a referral to an oncologist and then see what they say. If it is still the same prognosis then hospice kicks in again. He also said that she seems to be doing fine. The reason they even found her cancer, because she never wanted to get a CTscan because of her claustrophobia, is because she fell in her home from a standing position to the cement floor. So she is also trying to get over the pain and stuff from that fall and she is in her late 60s who also had open heart surgery last winter.
If there is no recourse for someone to watch her back at her home then I'll just have to move her here with me. I know she won't like it because all of her life has been spent there. All her friends and extended family are there but it seems my sisters are not willing or able to step in.
OK so it's not your MOM that needs reassurance it's you, right? ALL the sisters have this fear or just YOU?
If she hasn't stated a preference burial over cremation then leave it alone. Then cremate her if you guys want. If you mom CARED, she would have said something, right?
You will see and touch her body and know she is deceased. Either at the hospice or at the funeral home.
Sit there until you feel it is true. If you can't say you believe she is deceased after a reasonable amount of time, then the staff needs to have professionals there to assist you.
Watch Long Island Medium on TLC. After people you love pass over, even a favorite DOG, fear of death should subside. Because everyone you care about is THERE!
Take care.
I know my sister has the same fear of it and my mom too. My mom has told my sister she wanted cremation precisely because of her fear. But now she has changed her mind. I don't thin I want to bring up the subject again cause she seemed distraught a few days ago when I brought it up. We'll see what we decide once I get in touch with a funeral director.
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