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Old 11-06-2013, 07:50 PM
 
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Recently a friend's mother passed away. In her obituary, they listed her children's name with their spouses names following their names in parenthesis ie. Her children Joe (Julie) and Louis (Mary). The children who are single never married were listed, and the divorced children were listed without any mention of the ex spouses, which I understand.

However, I found it odd that the grandchildren were listed but not their mothers, and perhaps their mothers names could have been mentioned, to respect the grandchildren? For example, Suzy, Jenny, Katy, and their mother Kelly [where the mother is an ex spouse and not mentioned previously next to the spouses name].

Etiquette wise, what is the proper protocol?
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Old 11-06-2013, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,381 posts, read 21,233,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curly_Q View Post
Recently a friend's mother passed away. In her obituary, they listed her children's name with their spouses names following their names in parenthesis ie. Her children Joe (Julie) and Louis (Mary). The children who are single never married were listed, and the divorced children were listed without any mention of the ex spouses, which I understand.

However, I found it odd that the grandchildren were listed but not their mothers, and perhaps their mothers names could have been mentioned, to respect the grandchildren? For example, Suzy, Jenny, Katy, and their mother Kelly [where the mother is an ex spouse and not mentioned previously next to the spouses name].

Etiquette wise, what is the proper protocol?
That's up to whomever gave the obit information. Ex's generally aren't mentioned because they are no longer "part" of the family. I didn't mention my daughter's father in either my Mom's or my Dad's obits though I mentioned my daughter and her children.
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:09 AM
 
215 posts, read 269,804 times
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
That's up to whomever gave the obit information. Ex's generally aren't mentioned because they are no longer "part" of the family. I didn't mention my daughter's father in either my Mom's or my Dad's obits though I mentioned my daughter and her children.
If someone reads it later, wouldn't they wonder why their parent wasn't included? Because how are they really ever no longer part of the family as long as they are the child's parent? Did your daughter feel her father should have been mentioned? Or the father of her children mentioned?
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:06 AM
 
Location: Not where I want to be
24,381 posts, read 21,233,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curly_Q View Post
If someone reads it later, wouldn't they wonder why their parent wasn't included? Because how are they really ever no longer part of the family as long as they are the child's parent? Did your daughter feel her father should have been mentioned? Or the father of her children mentioned?
Nope, she was fine with the way they were written. I was thinking blood at the time and since no one complained over the first one, I did the 2nd the same way. NBD.
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:21 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
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grandchildren are blood relatives; in-laws, ex or not, are not related.

locally, I've noticed friends being listed in obits. Now that I find weird.
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Old 11-07-2013, 07:25 AM
 
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Maybe they were "friends". My grandfather passed away while dating a woman, whom he would have married but she didn't want to lose her widow's pension. I believe we listed her name in the obit, because they were in love and together for many years.
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Old 11-07-2013, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
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Ex-family members are rarely mentioned in obituaries; it's up to the family.

Also, if the obituary is published in a newspaper at no charge, what's included in the obit is subject to the newspaper's policy. If you're paying for a death notice, you can include whoever you like.

Back when I was writing obits, the newspaper I worked for had a policy of blood relatives only. Try explaining that to a grieving mother who reads the obits only to discover that her son's fiancee has been left out of the obit.
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Old 11-07-2013, 11:11 AM
Status: "Joy cometh in the morning" (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
20,789 posts, read 26,082,997 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by curly_Q View Post
Recently a friend's mother passed away. In her obituary, they listed her children's name with their spouses names following their names in parenthesis ie. Her children Joe (Julie) and Louis (Mary). The children who are single never married were listed, and the divorced children were listed without any mention of the ex spouses, which I understand.

However, I found it odd that the grandchildren were listed but not their mothers, and perhaps their mothers names could have been mentioned, to respect the grandchildren? For example, Suzy, Jenny, Katy, and their mother Kelly [where the mother is an ex spouse and not mentioned previously next to the spouses name].

Etiquette wise, what is the proper protocol?

That was correct. "Ex" relatives are not listed. Today in many families, what you propose,listing the former spouses, would be one long and overly complicated list. What if there are several ex wives? What about a baby born of an affair?

The focus is on the deceased and not on a former daughter "in-law".

Most rules of etiquette are just derived from common sense. The in-law relationship is though the spouse. When that has been legally dissolved through divorce, there is no relationship between the deceased and the ex-wife.
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Old 11-07-2013, 11:33 AM
 
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I was married to my ex for 20 years. I often wonder why... They can leave me off his obit. I am fine with that.
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Old 11-07-2013, 11:41 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meyerland View Post
Maybe they were "friends". My grandfather passed away while dating a woman, whom he would have married but she didn't want to lose her widow's pension. I believe we listed her name in the obit, because they were in love and together for many years.
I've seen those relationships listed as "companion" or "special friend." It becomes more common as partners in same sex relationships are recognized.

I don't know how far off this goes as a tangent .... as a genealogist, I'd like to commend detail in an obituary. As well as accuracy. Don't use the obit as a weapon against people you want to cut down.

In 100 years, family dysfunction will become aged gossip that descendants will likely roll their eyes about; family historians will *sigh* in aggravation.

I understand if the circumstances for leaving someone out were because of a criminal act or abuse and betrayal (most who are thorough researchers can usually ferret that sort of thing), but have a care if it is because of dislike or a snit. I have a situation with an uncle who married a woman who didn't like his biological kids. The feeling was heartily returned by my cousins. When Uncle died, his stepkids were listed as if they were his bio-kids, while the bio-kids were left off entirely. I included that obituary under his profile, but created an addendum, listing his biological children and explaining the genetic ties. It's not my responsibility to explain the family arguments, but I do want to make sure that the correct genetic connections are understood, years down the road.
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