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So sorry for your anguish. There is not much to be said that will lessen the pain of watching a loved one transition from this life. Other than the actual logistics of your trip, there is no real "planning " of a visit, either. I think the previous poster's suggestion of Skype is good. Communication is the key. Your Dad's state of mind and emotions will change from day-to-day, minute-to-minute. Any way you can share feelings and experiences together, letters, photos, telephone conversations, will do the best to fulfill the rest of your time together. Be kind to yourself as well. Don't beat up yourself over the timing of your trip so much as actually making the trip when your Dad can interact with you.
When my mother was dying - the words she seemed most pleased to hear was when I told her how much of a difference she had made in her grandson's life. I'll never forget her reaction ~ she smiled and said "Oh, Ringo, really?"
And I said yes, really, and talked about all the ways she had made a difference in his life.
Wow. What memories this brings back. I wish I would have told her more.
OP- while not the same, I had to choose when to visit my grandmother and while my choice was not popular wih everyone, I chose to trade my funeral travel costs for a second visit to her at the end. I'd do it all over again because that meant more to me than the funeral. I paid my respects privately.
I can understand the OP situation while I'm at the other end (currently 82) with only a couple of yrs left. My children are also a few hundred miles away that I have not seen for a few yrs (Passports needed in their case).
Am at my own choosing so have NO complaints. Way we make our beds is the way we sleep in them...I chose mine.
Without a doubt I will have a major stroke considering the mini strokes of past.
As for the OP bear in mind your dad has his facultys and is probably more aware of his own situation then what you believe.
I saw my own dad deteriorate at age 85-86 before his passing and he and I both knew the pending results.
Do what you feel is best in your heart....he will understand.
Wartrace, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I lost my own father 6 years ago this coming May, and I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to spend his last week with him in his hospital room. In the end, I was the one who broke the news to him that it was over, and helped him make the decision to let go. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, and one of the best, as well. Believe me, your going to him will mean the world to him. You'll look back on it the rest of your life as one of the most important things you've ever done.
Now. That said....
Quote:
Originally Posted by juneaubound
I don't have any words of wisdom for you that others haven't already provided. You're his son. You love him. You'll know what to do.
To that, I would add... he's your father. He knows you. He'll hear you. He'll hear what you say, and what you mean but can't find the words to say. He'll feel it. And it will mean everything to him at that point of his life.
You ask, in your first post, how to say goodbye. I would suggest not going there to say goodbye. Thinking about it in those terms makes it much more difficult to think of what to say. You don't have to make much in the way of a goodbye speech; he knows why you're there, and he knows that whatever you say and whatever you choose to discuss, the point of it is to find closure. He'll hear it. He'll get it.
Just be there. The rest will work itself out. If you're at a loss for something to break the ice and get a conversation started, think of something he taught you, or some trait or habit that you picked up from him, and thank him for it. Tell him how much it's added to your life, and how grateful you are to him for that every day.
For the most part, just reminisce, and see where he wants to go. Follow his lead. Naturally, at some point in the process, you're going to take a deep breath and say something that starts with, "Dad, I just want you to know..." You've got to; it's human nature. When that time comes, don't worry about finding the right words. The words will find you. In fact, you probably don't even need to worry about finding the right moment - it will find you. There's probably no need to force it.
If there's something specific you really want to tell him, then think about that in advance, and make sure that one way or another, you do find the right moment to work it in, because you don't want to go through the rest of your life thinking, "If only I'd said such-and-such." If you feel the time slipping past, and there's something you really don't want to be left unsaid, then of course - clear your throat and say it. But I think you'll be surprised at how much just works itself out on its own if you just let it.
Good luck to you and your family. We'll be thinking about you, and sending you warm wishes. And just remember.... no matter how bad it hurts, it will get better.
Last edited by Mr. In-Between; 01-20-2014 at 08:07 PM..
My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.
I want to let him know it.
Any ideas on "the last visit"? He is 85 years old and has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. He has been recommended to hospice care so time is short.
It kills me that I am so far away.
You're lucky that you know. My dad died of prostate cancer in August 2010 and it had spread all over his body (we found out AFTER he died that it had spread to his spine, both femurs, one arm, his skull, his ribs, his pelvis), but he was so stoic and never complained so we had no idea he was about to die.
If they say 2 to 3 months, just know that it could be sooner than that. I don't want you to miss the opportunity to say goodbye. I was in my dad's hospital room two hours before he died and the nurse told me they were going to do a kidney scan and then they'd call me to pick him up. I was going to wait but they told me it could be evening before they got to him. Even they didn't know he was going to die that day. They must have gotten to him sooner than they anticipated. Two hours after I left the hospital they called and I thought they were calling to tell me to pick him up, and they were calling instead to tell me he died.
I think what you said here is perfect - "He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father."
My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.
I want to let him know it.
Any ideas on "the last visit"? He is 85 years old and has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. He has been recommended to hospice care so time is short.
It kills me that I am so far away.
Something told me one day to write a letter to my dad. He was local but I felt like I had to do it. I just wrote from the heart and told him all the good stuff - like long time marriage (who has that?), 4 children all married with children of their own (a plus), all lived within 15 minutes of him, contributions to all sports and I listed them (he loved sports) and just what a family had come from 2 people. The words kind of wrote themselves.
My mom said he read the note over and over. He passed away 12 days after I wrote it. That was a surprise. He was 72.
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Write a letter also
