Is it proper to ask in lieu of flowers, ask instead donations to surviving adult children?
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What she said ^! This tackiness is NOT a southern thing! Some of my southern family were poor, but never did they ask mourners to pay for funerals or to give money to adults out of work. Families took care of their own and kept looking until they got jobs.
If you read the OP, the people in dire straights ARE helping their own, and it has a bearing on why they are in such straights.
I see nothing tacky about helping the living instead of filling a room with flowers. To each his own, but for all you know, the deceased might have been very comforted by the thought that her family would get some desperately needed help.
We have been asked to give a donation to different charities or organizations but never directly to family members.
I have never heard of that happening no matter what the financial situation is with the family.
I do know that we have tucked money into the sympathy card for family but that was our choice and not something that was outright asked.
The only way I'd possibly feel ok giving money to adult children would be if there was a trust set up to handle the funds. And even then, I don't think it's a good idea in general. Asking for donations to a charity is different.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Asking for money "in lieu of" isn't a western or southwestern thing, either. I've never heard of money being asked for directly. When my husband died, his obituary said, "In lieu of flowers, the family requests that gifts be sent to the charity of the giver's choice." When my parents died, we asked that gifts be given to their alma maters in their name. In neither case did we receive money directly. I would have been insulted if someone had given me money when my husband or parents died, but that's just me.
Flowers don't have to be thrown away. Many hospices, adult care facilities, and hospitals welcome the donation of flowers. Churches will often use the flowers for their Sunday services, and acknowledge the deceased during the service.
However, I do agree that an account at a bank or credit union could be opened in the name of the deceased to accept memorial gifts, and then, possibly distributed to the adult caregivers by a 3rd party, if needed, as skelaki said.
I also agree that "memorial gifts to the family" sounds like asking for a handout. I think that's tacky beyond belief.
We have been asked to give a donation to different charities or organizations but never directly to family members.
I have never heard of that happening no matter what the financial situation is with the family.
I do know that we have tucked money into the sympathy card for family but that was our choice and not something that was outright asked.
Donation to charities in lieu of flowers is common around here. Especially a charity that supports the illness of the passed individual.
OP, I'm sorry your family is dealing with a gravely ill loved one. I'm sure it can't be easy to deal with this in addition to tight personal finances.
This is a difficult situation. Having said that, I don't feel it's the right thing to ask people for money or gifts. A funeral is a funeral; as family, you are inviting people to pay their respects to the deceased. Flowers, money, etc. -- that's nice, but that's not the point of a funeral.
People holding funerals should not ask for flowers, nor should they ask for money, IMO. Some cultures practice flower giving. In other cultures, people show up with cash wrapped or packaged in specific ways as a way to offset funeral costs. Other groups may practice food-giving (casseroles for the bereaving family or perhaps food to serve following the funeral). Ideally, people should give what is commonly expected within that cultural group, provided they can afford it and feel comfortable doing so. But it should be their call.
If the family is in such dire straits, it is quite likely those close enough to the family (and close enough to be attending the funeral) already know of their financial situation. Funeral attendees don't need to reminded of it and then asked to give cash. People who know about their situation and who feel comfortable doing so, will give cash, food, or other assistance w/o the family's prompting -- or they may ask you how they can best help, which is when you might explain the family's financial predicament. But you shouldn't suggest they give cash, flowers, or anything without them first broaching the delicate subject.
I suppose extremely unusual situations could excuse directly asking for cash w/o anyone's prompting. For example, if the parents of young children die suddenly, leaving the children alone in the world, it stands to reason extended family members could set up a trust fund for the children and let people know via word of mouth about the trust fund. IMO, those who are actually going to donate will find out; people talk. But again, that would be an unusual case. They are children and are dependents, not adult children as the OP has described.
People who are close to the bereaved are likely fully aware of the financial situation of all involved and they don't need a "reminder" or "directive" in an obituary (which is public!) that folks should send money to the family.
People who care simply send a check or an envelope with cash to the folks footing the bills. Often, such assistance is anonymous (in my experience).
I have only seen a reference in a newspaper obituary ONCE where one family member insisted on saying "in lieu of flowers, contributions can be made to the XXXX (deceased's daughter) administrator of a special Family Trust."
This was a family very close to me and to this day, folks still mention howmunabashedly TACKY it was for this person to do such a thing. We all knew what the "special Family Trust" was referring to and there was no actual "Trust" . . . just a bunch of bills racked up by the lady's daughter (granddaughter of the deceased).
Often, in small communities, especially, a friend of the family will start a REAL fund administered (typically) through a local bank, to help offset funeral expenses in extraordinary cases. This is not tacky -- and folks know the money is going to a Bank Trustee and isn't a scam. There is certainly nothing wrong with that, but it isn't "advertised" as part of the obituary . . . and it isn't being administered by a family member.
I think its tasteless to ask for money in any kind of social announcement or invitation. The exception might be a fund set up for minor children or donations in lieu of flowers to charities or scholarship funds.
That being said, its fine imo for people to give money when someone dies and its fine for people close to the family to spread the word that the family needs financial help more than flowers.
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