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My dad died when I was 11yrs old (1975). My 2 favorite grandparents died when I was a teen. I got introduced to death and grieving way tooooo early in life. Thought I had a good grip on this stuff.
I spent the majority of my adulthood being a single mom to 4 sons and nursing the family farm! The family farm..... I'm talking multiple generations that date back to 1849.
My step-dad and Mother both died 2008. I did my time.... I spent 4 yrs taking care of my Parkinson's/Dementia mother (24/7) till the very end! She died in my Family room via Hospice. In otherwords.... I'm NOT talking about a Nursing Home.
Step-dad dropped dead of a heart attack..... 2 months and 1 day later.
I've been divorced since 1992. Who had time to date? Between the paycheck job, single mom of 4 boys.... the family farm.... elderly parents.... DATE????? Time and energy to date? That's when the 4 boys weren't busy trying to chase off any and all future prospect dates!
2009 I FINALLY found the man of my dreams! Those 4 sons are now adults. They are living their own lives. This was supposed to be the brand new beginning of my brand new life! I only waited 20 yrs for this to happen. right?
Then the Cancer Call came.... that was January. By April he was having his lung removed. They were carving skin spots out of him like a butcher. He had his kidney removed. Chemo.... radiation.... this test and that test. And the list went on......
I'm no dummy. I KNEW HOW THIS WOULD ALL END! He died Oct 2012. It hit me HARD! I knew it hit me hard!
He was my North, South, East and West. My Morning Sun and my Evening Rest.
For the longest time I didn't give a rats arse if I lived or died! Afterall... I've done my job! I raised the kids! I took care of the parents! Finalized the finances of the deceased estates! The kids are all raised and on their own! What's left? NOTHING! Besides the dog and cat I have.
Then I decided to sell the house.... and move away! You know... LIKE A FRESH START!!! This will be the 2nd 1/2 of my brand new life!!!! I still struggled with Kenny's death. Afterall... we were trying to start a brand new life. When he died... so did my future! Kenny died. My future died. It was a LOT to lose!
Kenny died Oct 2012. 6 months ago, I could.... with total confidence, tell you... I'M FINALLY PASSED THAT PART! I was soooooooooooooo proud to be FINALLY PASSED THAT PART!!!!!!!!!!!
The minute Kenny got diagnosed, I knew that *starting over* was in the near future. I had to start over when I sold the house and moved 5 hrs south. It's been all about.............. STARTING OVER! (sheesh this gets old after awhile)
I will be 51 yrs old later this month. I feel like I've spent a lifetime of always *starting over*.
Everytime I start over... it feels like I'm downsizing my life. Not necessarily in a good way. It's like I keep losing the race. I came in 3rd... instead of 1st. It's like I'm losing 'ground'.
Dec 2011 I moved 5 hrs south, and purchased a fixer upper Mobile Home, in a Mobile Home Park.
These 1st couple of yrs, I was TOTALLY PARANOID ABOUT STORMS! I mean... a light sprinkling of rain on this tin roof sounds like a fricking hail storm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL
Then there was the occasional super straight line winds. This mobile home was rocking and rolling! But I'm still here!
Yesterday was my test of fate!!!!!!!!!! and I failed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our area got hit with multiple touch down tornadoes. I KNEW THIS WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING!
I always told myself.... <this is a mobile home trailer that you can never survive> .... GET THE DOG AND CAT LOADED INTO THE CAR AND START DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's my only chance of surviving a tornado!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did I do?????????????????????
I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't care if I died or not! I just laid in bed, with the dog and cat.... and just tried to go to sleep. I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even laid in bed, thinking about being tossed and turned in mid air as the trailer landed 2 miles away. I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The whole time I laid in bed, during these horrendous storms, all I kept thinking was...
IF I HAVE TO START OVER AGAIN... I'D RATHER DIE! I'm tooooo tired for this *****.
That was my *wake up* moment. And I just learned... I'd rather lay down and die.
Springazure,
There is no way any of us can understand another's pain exactly. I offer my sincere condolences.
There is some reason you decided to post here. I'm not sure all of you wants to just die. I understand feeling so exhausted, disappointed and unable to cope with more decisions or obstacles.
I agree with blue herons and others. I'd strongly encourage you to see a therapist in individual counseling. You will be surprised how much better you feel once you start to tell others.
I wouldn't rush into a relationship. You need to mourn those you've lost before you can be recharged enough to invest in a healthy relationship.
Good luck as you enter this phase of your recovery. There is no time frame of how long it takes to work through various loses.
You have endured so very much, and it sounds like you could use some help in trying to get over the sense of loss that you have suffered for such a long, long time.
Take it from someone that has had to go for professional help after the murder of my brother, there is so much that we try to do on our own that is just too much to get thru without the assistance of professionals in trying to heal.
My heart goes out to you and I pray that you will reach out and get assistance on the path to healing. Hugs!!!!
I don't know that kind of pain, but reading your post, two things struck me. You are only 51, as others have noted here - you are the exact age when my mother divorced and started her life over. 15 years later, she is happier now than she has ever been in her life.
You've lost your partner, but you DO have 4 adult children. You have a family - you are not alone. And when you're ready, you can start to look to date again. Or not.
But it seems to me you have a lot to live for, and certainly the man you loved would not have wanted you to simply give up.
OP I dont know what to say to you to comfort you. You lived a lifetime of taking-care-of-others and one by one everyone were taken away from you. I cannot imagine the kind of grief you are going through right now. But lying down in bed waiting for death isnt much of help, not for yoursef and not for your sons. I am not sure of the relationship between you and your sons but I am sure they are going to miss you so much if you are gone. You have them. There are people who love you. Dont give up on yourself and life. You need someone to talk to at a professional level. You need to completely grieve before you can start moving on. Hugs sending your way.
springazure, I have no words that may comfort you but know this, you have given me hope in my time of despair. You have a lot of experience in helping and taking care of others. Might I suggest that you put those skills to good use? You have run a farm successfully and raised four sons - that could be put to use in running a 'farm camp' or something for young people who might otherwise succumb like my son did. There are people who need you if that is in you. Just a thought.
My dad died when I was 11yrs old (1975). My 2 favorite grandparents died when I was a teen. I got introduced to death and grieving way tooooo early in life. Thought I had a good grip on this stuff.
I spent the majority of my adulthood being a single mom to 4 sons and nursing the family farm! The family farm..... I'm talking multiple generations that date back to 1849.
My step-dad and Mother both died 2008. I did my time.... I spent 4 yrs taking care of my Parkinson's/Dementia mother (24/7) till the very end! She died in my Family room via Hospice. In otherwords.... I'm NOT talking about a Nursing Home.
Step-dad dropped dead of a heart attack..... 2 months and 1 day later.
I've been divorced since 1992. Who had time to date? Between the paycheck job, single mom of 4 boys.... the family farm.... elderly parents.... DATE????? Time and energy to date? That's when the 4 boys weren't busy trying to chase off any and all future prospect dates!
2009 I FINALLY found the man of my dreams! Those 4 sons are now adults. They are living their own lives. This was supposed to be the brand new beginning of my brand new life! I only waited 20 yrs for this to happen. right?
Then the Cancer Call came.... that was January. By April he was having his lung removed. They were carving skin spots out of him like a butcher. He had his kidney removed. Chemo.... radiation.... this test and that test. And the list went on......
I'm no dummy. I KNEW HOW THIS WOULD ALL END! He died Oct 2012. It hit me HARD! I knew it hit me hard!
He was my North, South, East and West. My Morning Sun and my Evening Rest.
For the longest time I didn't give a rats arse if I lived or died! Afterall... I've done my job! I raised the kids! I took care of the parents! Finalized the finances of the deceased estates! The kids are all raised and on their own! What's left? NOTHING! Besides the dog and cat I have.
Then I decided to sell the house.... and move away! You know... LIKE A FRESH START!!! This will be the 2nd 1/2 of my brand new life!!!! I still struggled with Kenny's death. Afterall... we were trying to start a brand new life. When he died... so did my future! Kenny died. My future died. It was a LOT to lose!
Kenny died Oct 2012. 6 months ago, I could.... with total confidence, tell you... I'M FINALLY PASSED THAT PART! I was soooooooooooooo proud to be FINALLY PASSED THAT PART!!!!!!!!!!!
The minute Kenny got diagnosed, I knew that *starting over* was in the near future. I had to start over when I sold the house and moved 5 hrs south. It's been all about.............. STARTING OVER! (sheesh this gets old after awhile)
I will be 51 yrs old later this month. I feel like I've spent a lifetime of always *starting over*.
Everytime I start over... it feels like I'm downsizing my life. Not necessarily in a good way. It's like I keep losing the race. I came in 3rd... instead of 1st. It's like I'm losing 'ground'.
Dec 2011 I moved 5 hrs south, and purchased a fixer upper Mobile Home, in a Mobile Home Park.
These 1st couple of yrs, I was TOTALLY PARANOID ABOUT STORMS! I mean... a light sprinkling of rain on this tin roof sounds like a fricking hail storm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL
Then there was the occasional super straight line winds. This mobile home was rocking and rolling! But I'm still here!
Yesterday was my test of fate!!!!!!!!!! and I failed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our area got hit with multiple touch down tornadoes. I KNEW THIS WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING!
I always told myself.... <this is a mobile home trailer that you can never survive> .... GET THE DOG AND CAT LOADED INTO THE CAR AND START DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's my only chance of surviving a tornado!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did I do?????????????????????
I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't care if I died or not! I just laid in bed, with the dog and cat.... and just tried to go to sleep. I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I even laid in bed, thinking about being tossed and turned in mid air as the trailer landed 2 miles away. I DIDN'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The whole time I laid in bed, during these horrendous storms, all I kept thinking was...
IF I HAVE TO START OVER AGAIN... I'D RATHER DIE! I'm tooooo tired for this *****.
That was my *wake up* moment. And I just learned... I'd rather lay down and die.
You could turn this around you know. Instead of thinking of everything that you lost, you could think of everything that you gained in life.
You have four kids...many people can't have kids.
You were there for your parents/step parent...some people don't have families.
You found the love of your life...for some people, that never happens.
You've been given gifts that were given to you on a temporary basis. You never owned them, they were given to you to enjoy for awhile. Now they've been taken back, and you're upset. It's understandable to be upset, but when you're lying in bed in your mobile home while a tornado is spinning near you, thinking you're just ready to die, then you are not appreciating what you were given.
Instead of thinking of yourself and the hurt you've been through with the loss, embrace that you had those moments at all.
And while you're at it, snap out of it. You have four boys, (grown sons), who would not appreciate their mother just giving up. And who would take care of your pets if you just laid there and died? No, you got gifts that many people don't get...you don't get to just give up and die because they were taken away. It don't work like that, sister.
I cried when I read your post. Life can be very brutal. My condolences.
I've always felt there are two types of people in this world: givers or takers. You are a giver. You gave, gave, gave and I bet you never asked for much in return; did you? I bet the love of your life took care of you and looked out for you like no other.
I have been through some challenges over the past few years that led me to believe if I just died, it would be ok by me. A recent health issue has given me some clarity on what it is I really feel. I don't want to die. I want the stress and crappy situations to die. Not me. The situations. Do you feel what I am saying?
By downsizing, you are not losing anything, you are gaining freedom. "Stuff" keeps us focused on the wrong things. You have lightened your load. Relax and enjoy it. It's the right way to go.
Where do you go from here? You try to find people to share in your goodness. People that are like you.
People like you are a daily reminder to me that there is a God. And his angels walk the Earth. You do so much for everyone. Now, do some things for you. Find out what makes you smile, laugh, and feel beautiful. You can find happiness with another man. I promise you. God provides....when we seek it out.
I read it all, and obviously, my heart goes out to you. I agree, I think you have a lot of joy left to live. What about grandchildren, for instance? They can give you a new lease on life? Travel, write, do something spontaneous, random, for yourself...sure the memories and pain might always be there, but it doesn't mean there can't also be happiness, does it?
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