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Long story, but an old friend just found out he had stage III kidney failure, as well as other serious medical conditions and is thinking he is on his last days and has hinted around and ending it, he says he's depressed, not sure how long before he needs dialyses and if he can put up with dialysis every other day (plus he is unable to walk without crutches due to other medical conditions), and that a neighbor across the street who was in a similar condition ended it all after some time on dialyses.
To be honest I am very sad to hear this and will hate to lose him...he was a constant in my life, even if he's lived far from me for 15 years now...tho I have visited with him once a year or so since 2009. We have been in constant contact via e-mail.
I am tough at offering words of condolence that wouldn't sound hollow...my inclination is to say that im so sorry for him, and that I don't know what to say, which is true, I really don't know what to say without it sounding mushy or selfish.
I want to visit him again this fall but he doesn't seem responsive to my suggestions (I would be staying in a hotel, not with him), so am sort of backing off on doing this.
Guess I am looking for advice on how to not say "sorry you are dying" since he isn't dead yet. Or even officially terminal.
How about if you tell him you're sorry to hear he's going through this. Tell him how much his friendship has meant to you over the years. Tell him you enjoy your daily emails.
Continue to reach out to him and offer him encouragement and support.
How about if you tell him you're sorry to hear he's going through this. Tell him how much his friendship has meant to you over the years. Tell him you enjoy your daily emails.
Continue to reach out to him and offer him encouragement and support.
PHUREEKEEPER's suggestions are right on target.
Also, is there anything you can do, from a distance, to just lift his spirits? Like . . . call him and make sure he is home and then have a nice meal delivered.
I would just make sure I keep the lines of communication open and if you hear him talk about a need - such as transportation - offer to help him do the research. That sort of thing.
I am sorry to hear about your friend's worsening situation.
Also, Dayton, if your friend should end it all, try to understand and not be angry with him. Sad is okay but don't be angry. I kept expecting my husband to do it and was amazed that he fought to the bitter and painful end. Like I posted long ago, I almost did it for him 2 days before he gave up.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhureeKeeper
How about if you tell him you're sorry to hear he's going through this. Tell him how much his friendship has meant to you over the years. Tell him you enjoy your daily emails.
Continue to reach out to him and offer him encouragement and support.
I agree with this, too. I had a friend who had colon cancer and had to have a colonoscopy bag inserted. It was so embarassing to her (we couldn't tell she had one), on top of having a rough time with chemo and losing her hair, that she got really depressed and was gently dancing around ideas of leaving this world on her own terms.
I emailed her every day, even if it was just a scan of a comic in the paper I thought was cute, or a short note saying, Thinking about you... I sent her flowers out of the blue, and she said they really cheered her up. But what really helped her was staying aroung the hospital after her chemo and talking to others who were doing IV chemo. She liked talking the same language with the others, all the medical jargon, sharing hopes and fears, that her attitude really improved. She's still fighting it, but not with the endgame in mind, rather trying to stick around long enough to be helpful to others.
I have had this happen to a few friends. I have told them I loved them and let them know this is a tragedy for them, but also for me because I share in the pain.
I always give my friends some money. Tell them if they don't need it, give it back when they are back on their feet. But $1k extra in the bank just for little things might provide some comfort.
Be present. That's really important. Check in via text. Call. Send funny cards. Send the occasional small but useful or humorous gift - I often go with books that I know the person would like. You're too far away to help out daily, but just keeping in touch can be very valuable.
On the visit issue, I would maybe plan a trip in the general area and then let your friend know you will be nearby and would love to stop in on your first day. Then maybe you see how that goes and stop back again the next day. You know? I'm not sure if the logistics would work with this guy's location, but maybe.
If he starts talking suicide, maybe just urge him to give the dialysis a try for a few months. I know people who have been on it for years and still derive a great deal of satisfaction from life. But that initial news that you've got a serious or fatal health issue can make a lot of people want to throw in the towel at first - but then they acclimate to the idea and they find that there is a lot about life to be enjoyed even with that hovering over them.
My childhood best friend was born with a disease that she knew would kill her quite young. She spent her life dealing with terrible health problems that caused her a great deal of pain and sapped her strength and limited her options greatly, but overall, I think she lived a pretty happy life, even if she was dealt a crappy hand.
My heart goes out to you and your friend...
There are so many wonderful ideas posted here how you can help.
Having been in a similar situation recently, along with my own battle of kidney cancer and eventual need of dialysis, just remind him that life is precious, and worth fighting for.
Perhaps you could go with him to a few doctor's appointments, and learn if there's anything that can be done to both prolong his life, as well as enhance it. I, too, have known several people who have "bounced back" from kidney disease, and are on dialysis. Yes, it's tough...but with support of friends (and it sounds like you're a GEM!), he can get through this and make a good life for himself.
It may mean he needs alternative measures of getting around as well (a wheelchair?)
So, besides your support and encouragement, I'd try to find out if there are any ways to improve and prolong his life...for whatever time it turns out he has left.
If it does turn out he's terminal, then just love, contact, and support (upbeat) is the best way to go. Try to talk frankly with him about death, and help him sort-out his beliefs, worry, and any practical things for the family or people he will leave behind...this may help with some of his depression and anxiety.
Additionally, don't discount the aids available - antidepressants and adequate pain meds reduced my mom's suffering in the last 2 months. They helped her depression and pain, as well as near-death "agitation". Be his advocate, and/or find local associations, such as hospice, who can help in some way.
I hope this helps...Bless you for being such a wonderful friend...
^
Thank you...good stuff. I have enquired to him about mobility and a wheelchair, but he hasn't responded. I am going to do an actual phone call soon, too.
I appreciate your all's advice....I some of this I am doing, as in keeping in touch, sending cards, etc.
And good idea about the trip:
Quote:
On the visit issue, I would maybe plan a trip in the general area and then
let your friend know you will be nearby and would love to stop in on your first
day. Then maybe you see how that goes and stop back again the next day.
...yes, this is my plan, to do what he is able to do. He just sent me some clippings on some stuff to see and mentioned that I could tour these places while he waits at a Dunkin Donuts, but my response is ..".no...we will go where you are able to go and if you want to take a break at a Dunkin Donuts I will have a donut with you!" I am not going to tour a house while he waits in a donut shop.
So the idea is to pace or schedule around what he is able to do and wants to see and is able to see. I did offer to help him with groceries.... but I will be able to help him with rides while I am there.
Again, Thanks a bunch for the advice. I am stepping up my contact with him. So far his spirits seem to have been improved a bit (not talking or hinting at suicide), so I think he had a mood swing. He does suffer from depression (has been diagonsed with that) and perhaps BPD.
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