Quote:
Originally Posted by elston
Kathryn..............I hope that you are able to move forward; I read your posts on the other thread.........I sense the deep hurt; I hope you are able to move forward and not be bound by the past. If that means cutting ties....so be it....If that means forgiveness....so be it. Just dont let resentment and anger and a sense of betrayal.....hold you prisoner to whatever happened in the past.
I am not going to comment further.....that only serves to hold you there.
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Thank you so much.
I was temporarily devastated and heartbroken yesterday. I felt especially impotent because my dad is DEAD - I can't call his hand on this, I can't stand up for myself with him any longer - that ship has sailed and in a way I feel like he "got away with something," though I also do actually believe that we never really get away with anything, so I don't know how he's going to bear the ramifications of his actions, but I just have to believe that somewhere, somehow he will, or has.
But I woke up today and it was the strangest thing - every single morning for several years I've woken up feeling like an anvil was sitting on my shoulders - what do I have to do today to try to ease the suffering of the elderly people in my life? What do I have to do today about the estate and settling it, and the taxes, and the appraisals, and the probate, and the attorneys, etc etc etc. What do I have to do today for my mom, my dad, my (fill in the blank with any number of one sided relationships)? What is my "moral responsibility" toward this person, this situation, etc?
But I slept like a baby last night - with not a drop of wine or a restless night of tossing and turning. And I woke up this morning with a feeling of lightness and optimism. After I got up, filled with gratitude for all the good things in my life, and thankful for such a great night's sleep, and after a cup of fresh, hot coffee, I caught myself thinking, "OK - what do I need to do for Mom today...she's alone there, she doesn't have therapy..." In my recent past mindset, I would have felt obligated to call her, to perhaps go see her, to work on their taxes or something like that.
But today I caught myself. I realized I don't have to call her! I don't have to go see her! And I sent an email to their CPA and said basically this: "What is the absolute minimum you need from me? And let's file an extension. I don't care what it costs for you to do as much of this as you can, to relieve the burden on me. I have my own things to take care of. Thanks."
Which is the truth. And if they write back, "But your dad was so thorough and always provided yada yada yada," I am going to say, "Well, he's dead. And for the sake of argument, let's pretend that I'm dead too. How would you handle that? I'm not going to send you a shoebox full of loose receipts but I am also not going to spend 15 hours on this trying to get things coded and completely lined out for you. What's the minimum stuff you need to process their taxes?"
Minimum. That's the amount of effort I am willing to put into this now.
And I actually feel really really good about that.
I also went through my house and gathered up all the little mementos that my dad had given me over the years - most of it actually mementos from HIS own life, which is really self centered when you think about it. His childhood toys. His war medals. His baby pictures. His bronzed baby shoes. His cowboy hat. His pocket knife. His military dress blues.
I gathered them up and put them all in a box. I am going to tell my two brothers (neither of whom are very involved with either my parents or the estate and who both live many hours away) "Here's Dad's stuff. You can have it. If you don't want it, I'm getting rid of it."
Oh and I have his ASHES. I am going to give those to my brothers as well. Forget "walking the old homestead" and scattering his ashes in a family memorial service. I mean, they can do it if they want to, but I'm not organizing it and I'm not attending.
My husband is a little worried - he thinks I may regret this. But I promise you I will not. These things always made me feel bittersweet anyway - I had conflicting emotions about my parents and there was always an undercurrent of, shall we say, skepticism on my part about their attitude and the true level of respect (or lack thereof) toward me. So really, this discovery only validates what I suspected but didn't want to really see all along.
And surprisingly, it is a huge relief. Part of that relief is that I feel absolved of much of the weight of responsibility that has laid across my shoulders, along with that feeling of being used, for many years.
I can let go of this. Now that I am looking it squarely in the face in all it's ugliness, I realize that I really, really, really don't want this in my life.
It's an energy sucker and I want to reserve my energy for the people in my life (and there are several of them) who really do love and appreciate and respect me. They deserve my best, not what's left over after I'm used and disrespected.
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