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Dear Smilin. You have been through hell and back, dear one. Please be gentle with yourself. I don't know if you remember that movie with Laura Dern decades ago called Rambling Rose. She was quite a character in that movie and I remember her telling Robert Duval when he was upset with her, "but I'm just a human girl person." I love that. And indeed that is what you and we all are, "human girl/boy people." We make mistakes in this life, unintentionally hurt people along the way. When an animal is in pain (including us) it's so natural to strike out. I am sure those you feel you have hurt understand what you have been through these past few years. At least I hope that is the case, and I know it is for those of us who have suffered loss and pain in life.
I'm so glad you are moving forward and finding the peace and healing that you deserve. You have suffered losses that most people will never suffer in one lifetime. I know it has been almost more than you can bear at times.
Best wishes to you, my friend, as you travel along your journey. *Hugs*
A quote from the heart was by one of my favorite tragic writers.
“All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that all that happened to you and afterwards it all belongs to you: the good and the bad, the ecstasy, the remorse and sorrow, the people and the places and how the weather was. If you can get so that you can give that to people, then you are a writer.”
― Ernest Hemingway
Your story touched my heart short of the apology as I do not know you personally.
I have made many blunders during my mourning part of grief, the loss of both of my dogs placed me in a tail spin, not to mention losing my best friend of 25 years and another friend and I felt I was treated badly during a cruise by two women who are no longer in my life. I also became suicidal. All of that is behind me and I want to apologize to those people I hurt. I really struggled after the loss of my last dog. My whole family wiped out. Afterwards, I was bumping into walls and unsure of myself and confused and dismayed and I felt stuck. It definitely felt hard to live in my own skin. I did not know what I wanted in life, lack of self esteem, critical of myself and others, lack of self identity, confused and angered. So, I decided I really needed to work on me and for that to happen I needed to be alone in my journey because I was bound to bump into walls and make mistakes but I felt if anyone was going to be nurturing to my mistakes it was going to be me. And I certainly did not want to hurt one single person. No more hurting others and no more hurting myself. I took a grief support class at college, I am seeing a counselor, and next month a psychiatrist. I am turning the corner. After being diagnosed with PTSD and Depression, I knew I had to work with these obstacles and the issues that created them. I am making progress now. I am slowly integrating into society, a inch at a time. I am working hard on me so I can feel whole and complete and it is not without allot of effort and work. I want to become quote "normal" and "happy" and not be depressed. The sad part is I have hurt many people along the way, not intentionally mind you, it wasn't my purpose to hurt anyone, it was unfortunately the by product of my grief, depression, PTSD and confusion of who was I and what I wanted out of life? Trying to find my identity, my likes and dislikes and who is the new me? I am deeply sorry for those I hurt along the way, I feel badly. I realize now that I wish I received the professional counseling a few years ago after my husband passed away. It has been one blunder after another in my life and now for the first time I am starting to regain my composure and self esteem and identity. I apologize and I hope all of those people I hurt will forgive me, as I am finding out healing is a process and a difficult on at that. Namaste.
I lost quite a few people during the bumping into walls phase. I must have been a beast because all of those people had suffered the loss of a loved one, too. I also realized that most of the people who left or drifted away did so because I wasn't doing anything for them. I wasn't stroking their ego, giving them home made cookies, or helping them paint the living room. I don't need those people to be my "friends". I no longer mourn their loss.
Now, I don't have a lot of friends; I can count them on one hand. It's not quantity, but quality that counts.
If you need to, you can apologize to the people you think you may have offended. Send them a card, or something. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've (and my husband) gotten up in the middle of the night to help someone with an abusive boyfriend, a suicide attempt or some other disaster. I don't hear from those people any more. I don't want to. A friend in need is a friend indeed.
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