My parents got divorced when me and my sister was 3 years old and we got raised by our grand parents( my Dads Parents). My Dad got remarried and he had a daughter with his new wife. Then he decided to leave the Country to start a new life here in Canada.
After few years, he immigrated us to come here from Africa with my step mom, step sister and my real sister. Mom stayed back home but we kept in touch with her.
The communication we had with her was through my dad around that time . We would write a letter to her , give it to my Dad then he would mail it. We stayed in touch by writing back and forth with her.
I don`t know why but my sister and I got caught up with things here and we just stopped writing to her
Then I recalled her receiving another letter from her asking why we stopped we stopped writing to her ,........ why we were doing this to her and that she misses our love .My sister and I were going to respond but we didn't end up responding. I don't why me and my sister did this.We just felt indifferent at that time. I feel so terrible
sometime later, I recall my Dad telling us that my mom had sent a letter telling him that she is not feeling well and that she wants our pictures to see how much we have grown .It had been few years since we left the Country
She also wrote the number for us to call where she was staying with my aunt back home. We asked my Dad to take the photos of us but he never followed through with it.
Mind you I was 15 and my sister 14without jobs and we were still getting used to a new country. The system here is totally different from back home. We didn't know were to go about to get cameras for pictures. Everything we did and every communication we had was through my Dad who didn't seem to care that much at that time.
We never follow through with all that.Then after sometime I recall my step mom came to our room and ask if we have heard that our mom is seriously ill. My sister and I just nodded and said No. She looked at us surprised and she was like "What you don't keep in touch her ?Well one day you going to hear that she is dead since you don't have time to talk to her while she is still alive"! these was her ecxact words
My step mom started nagging my Dad to go and buy a long distance card so we can talk to my mom from that point.
My Dad finally complied and went to buy a long distance card . The next morning my step mom dialed the number for us to connect where my mom was staying .She was going to pass the phone to us to talk to her .
She asked to speak to my mom but instead of passing the phone to us, she stayed on the phone silent and exchanged several words with whoever picked the phone then she said okay and hung up the phone.
From that moment I know that something wasn't right. She told us that she was informed that my mom had passed away few months ealier . It was too late
Apparantely,my mom got ill around the time we lost touch with her and she left the city where she was staying for work and went back to her Moms village because she got seriously ill . She died there few months later ,which is were she got buried.
I felt numb but I didn't cry or fell apart ......I didn't feel any emotions..I just tried going on with my life.I don't if I was just in denial or if it was too much to process it at once at the time.I was 17 at that time.
My Dad admitted that my mom had sent a letter few moths prior telling him that she is not feeling well and she was afraid that she is wasn't going to make it.......telling my Dad to take care of us if she doesn't make it
Years later my moms brother ,my uncle found me and my sister on Face book and we reconnected. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 back home.
We caught up and I asked him what had really happened with our mom and how she died. He told us that our mom tried desperately to get hold of us on her last days and that her wish was to talk to us before she passed away.
She kept pushing for my uncle to find us because she really wanted to talk to us since she knew she was dying. At some point he googled my Dads name trying to locate us to no avail because mom got desperate and frantic to get hold us.
From what my uncle said, she knew that she was dying because she kept saying things like ,"I am going to die and I will never see my kids again"
She kept telling uncle to find us over and over because she really really wanted to talk to us before she died on her last days
. I am actually tearing up typing this. Her uncle from her Dad side came looking for us at my Grand parents house when she only had few days to live but he didn't know that we had left the country
To this day, we don't know what killed her. My other Uncle told us that she just got sick with flu like symptoms and then boom she was gone in 2 weeks. However, my aunt told us that she had cancer in her uterus. My mom was only 35 when so the last thing we thought was her life could disappear and we would lose her anytime.She had me and my sister when she was a teenager which explains why she was still a young mom when we were teenagers by the time
My Grandmother, her mom who is still alive today told me that someone had cancer in her colon and she was also poisoned where she was staying .We don't know for sure what really killed her.
Now 13 years later, I now reliazed that I haven't properly grieved her death expect few occasions when I would burst into tears when I think about her or come across pictures of her that my uncle send us
Lately, I have been thinking about her allot and wishing if she was still alive so I could talk to her ,now that we have access to a computer ,phone and discovered face book, skype etc unlike back then when we were younger living with my Dad and everything was through him ....... we didn't have access to these devices
I have been bursting into tears more frequently especially when I am alone at home.I also feel guilty because I never got to say good bye when she passed away .All I keep saying is "I'm sorry mom" but she can no longer hear me
Also how we stopped communicating with her until it was too late. I just feel so bad thinking what she must have went through during her last days when she couldn't get hold if us ./knowing that she was dying and us being continents away.
She must have thought we stopped caring about her when we stopped writing to her
.I feel so terrible now that I am 30. I view things differently now than when I was 17.
I keep getting memories on how she lived with us when she separated from my Dad but then my Dad never sent her enough money to help her. She couldn't afford to raise us so she sent us back to him but he sent us back to our grand parents instead.
I keep thinking about
-How she took us back for a holiday right after to stay with her because she missed us.
-How she used to visit us every chance she got at our grand parents
-When she spoke to me when I got my period
-How she used to buy us gifts on holidays
-How she told us not to forget about her right before we left the country
-How she sent me a cassette of my favourite singer back home when I asked her to
I keep thinking about the happy and sad moments we shared with her when I was little girl. I can still feel her love for us even though she is no longer with us. Her legacy of love will always be with us
I want to tell her that I love her and I am sorry for not making an effort to stay in touch with her .....that we didn't mean to hurt her and let her down but I cant.My sister and I are thinking to fly back home to see her grave and talk to her as if she is still alive.
Would that give us closure and make us feel better? How to live with such deep regret?
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
