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Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,352 posts, read 2,825,032 times
Reputation: 10348
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr
This.
If you don't recognize that these people are just trying to help and comfort you, shame on you. I understand that the words they are using aren't comforting you; but please understand their intent. They are trying to help.
Well in my case I didn't let them go but of everyone at the service who said something to me in my fog, I remember what SHE said after ten years.....mostly I guess because she counted on HER mom for a lot of things.....In fact, her brother died suddenly a few months ago at 57 and I called her to see how she was...I would have NEVER said any of these trying to make you feel better cliches..to her...she would have flipped...
If you don't recognize that these people are just trying to help and comfort you, shame on you. I understand that the words they are using aren't comforting you; but please understand their intent. They are trying to help.
Perhaps the people trying to "help" should watch what and how they say it, or don't say anything at all.
Perhaps the people trying to "help" should watch what and how they say it, or don't say anything at all.
"Don't say anything at all"? Wasn't that also included as a reason to let people go?
"If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go."
Seriously, you would prefer people ignore you in your grief? Pretend it didn't happen? I have had a very tragic loss in my life and many people said things that made me think, "that's a bunch of bullsh*t!". But I always knew they were attempting to help me, in the way they knew how to.
Comforting people is a difficult task; there is no reason to discard people because they haven't perfected that skill.
Having buried a brother and a stepson, not once EVER did anyone tell me to get over it, all is not lost, it happened for a reason, etc.
Anyone who says any one of those things to someone grieving is an ignorant, moronic, a$$.
As I said in my earlier post, there is a world of difference between "Get over it" on the one hand and "All is not lost" and "It happened for a reason" on the other. The latter two may not be helpful to someone who, in that moment, believes all is lost and there is no reason, but at least they are well-intentioned.
Misplaced anger and inappropriate emotions are common when a loved one dies. I think I am seeing some of that here; there is an awful lot of anger in this thread, more than seems warranted. When I lost my wife of 33 years to breast cancer, the best advice I received was, "Try not to make any significant decisions for a year because you aren't thinking clearly, even though you may think you are." In retrospect, I could see how true that was.
Diseases, suicides, accidents and other tragedies and losses are a fact of life. The "trick" is to adopt a philosophy that will enable you to cope with them BEFORE they happen. If I actually thought that life were meaningless - which I don't, for what I believe are good reasons - I'm not sure how I would cope. But I am sure that becoming enraged toward those who express clumsy sentiments is not helpful. I doubt seriously that 0.000001% of those who express any sort of sentiments to someone who is freshly grieving, even "Get over it" or "I hope he was a Christian so he didn't end up in Hell" have any motive except to say what they think might be helpful, even if it isn't. I think it's wiser to cut them some slack.
As I said in my earlier post, there is a world of difference between "Get over it" on the one hand and "All is not lost" and "It happened for a reason" on the other. The latter two may not be helpful to someone who, in that moment, believes all is lost and there is no reason, but at least they are well-intentioned.
.
It doesn't matter how it is worded and those terms came from the OPs post.
"Don't say anything at all"? Wasn't that also included as a reason to let people go?
"If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go."
Seriously, you would prefer people ignore you in your grief? Pretend it didn't happen? I have had a very tragic loss in my life and many people said things that made me think, "that's a bunch of bullsh*t!". But I always knew they were attempting to help me, in the way they knew how to.
Comforting people is a difficult task; there is no reason to discard people because they haven't perfected that skill.
Deserting them is saying NOTHING at all, ever. I remember when my mother passed away, two people that I'd known for years didn't say ONE word to me. It truly hurt.
No, a simple "I'm sorry" is better than saying hurtful things to trying to guess at a good line. Saying the two words only: "I'm sorry" isn't ignoring, it is acknowledging your grief, be it the same day as your loss or 10 years later if you bring it up that you are still grieving.
I don't lose much,
most people internally shrug their shoulders when someone says they lost someone important
Yes they're and I'm unneeded in those situations, are unhelpful, kind of like inexperienced children wandering thoughtlessly into people's conversations about such matters, me me me
I got the part about 'being there with them'. I'm cool and do that already
But of course look at the time gotta go -- good luck with that
this much i can tell you from personal experience if you stop moving and just stare at grave you are going to eventually be lying next to it.
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