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No I agree, the saying that everything happens for a reason is superstitious baloney. Sure in many ways things DO happen for a reason but not as part of some outside force guiding you along.
Say a woman was raped, the reason she was raped was because a sicko decided to rape her. Not because it was meant to be.
People really don't know what to say when they know someone has had a significant loss. Unfortunately, society and American culture has taught people to have some terrible fall-back phrases:
1. I agree that the "for a reason" comment implies that people who are deeply hurting in their grief should not be, and that is a heartless thing to say.
2. "God only gives you what you can handle," which implies that God made your loved one suffer and die just to see if you could take it. Wow. I don't believe that at all, and when I have challenged people on that one, they often admit that they don't believe it either, but didn't know what to say.
3. "He's in a better place." That may be true, but it does not help when all you ever wanted was for the person to be in THIS place, with you. It isn't cruel, but it doesn't help much, partly because it is so pat and stereotyped.
Well, that's a partial list. I have had countless people say to me "I'm sorry" and honestly, that really is the best thing to say to someone who is grieving, at least it has been for me. I always say "thank you" and I mean it. Saying with sincerity that you are sorry shows compassion, even if they don't truly understand what the griever is experiencing. I appreciate simple compassion. Sometimes a simple question about the loved one is in order, and sometimes not. Even when the other person is basically a stranger, one can express sorrow that they are hurting. That is at the center of humanity.
No I agree, the saying that everything happens for a reason is superstitious baloney. Sure in many ways things DO happen for a reason but not as part of some outside force guiding you along.
Say a woman was raped, the reason she was raped was because a sicko decided to rape her. Not because it was meant to be.
And certainly not so she--or the rapist--would learn some lesson down the road.
People really don't know what to say when they know someone has had a significant loss. Unfortunately, society and American culture has taught people to have some terrible fall-back phrases:
1. I agree that the "for a reason" comment implies that people who are deeply hurting in their grief should not be, and that is a heartless thing to say.
2. "God only gives you what you can handle," which implies that God made your loved one suffer and die just to see if you could take it. Wow. I don't believe that at all, and when I have challenged people on that one, they often admit that they don't believe it either, but didn't know what to say.
3. "He's in a better place." That may be true, but it does not help when all you ever wanted was for the person to be in THIS place, with you. It isn't cruel, but it doesn't help much, partly because it is so pat and stereotyped.
Well, that's a partial list. I have had countless people say to me "I'm sorry" and honestly, that really is the best thing to say to someone who is grieving, at least it has been for me. I always say "thank you" and I mean it. Saying with sincerity that you are sorry shows compassion, even if they don't truly understand what the griever is experiencing. I appreciate simple compassion. Sometimes a simple question about the loved one is in order, and sometimes not. Even when the other person is basically a stranger, one can express sorrow that they are hurting. That is at the center of humanity.
Thank you. I just keep asking why he thought his was life not worth living and why didn't he go to someone, anyone, for help. He was a kind man, had many good friends, a family who loved him, was always smiling, was so helpful to others, and was never bullied (that I know of).
We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
Thank you. I just keep asking why he thought his was life not worth living and why didn't he go to someone, anyone, for help. He was a kind man, had many good friends, a family who loved him, was always smiling, was so helpful to others, and was never bullied (that I know of).
I guess we'll never know why.
Sometimes you don't. My mom's cousin was married, had an eight-month-old son, and one night her husband said he was going out to get firewood from the backyard and didn't come back. She went looking and found him hanging in the garage. No note. No idea why he took his life, but there was no doubt it was intentional. That was about 40 years ago. It took her a good year to stop sitting in the cemetery at his grave every day while family took care of her baby. Eventually she returned to living her life and raising her son, but I'm sure she still will wonder why for the rest of her life.
I agree. All this God's Plan crap is such bull. I would never say that to someone.
And if you do believe it, what point is there in saying it to someone who just suffered a loss? They aren't going to say "Golly, you're right, I'm just NOT seeing the Big Picture."
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