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I'm glad no one has ever said that to me. I would have either been stunned and silent or done something I'd probably be sorry about later. Where are the bouncers when you need them?
I'm glad no one has ever said that to me. I would have either been stunned and silent or done something I'd probably be sorry about later. Where are the bouncers when you need them?
Although I believe there is a Creator, I would like to think that only crazy bible thumpers or people who have NO conscience would even DREAM of saying this to someone who has just lost a loved one. I'd want to slap them silly for saying in a round-about way, that God had arranged their loved one's death (for a special reason???)
On a related note: Yesterday I was giving a co-worker a ride home from work and we came upon an accident that had happened seconds before. She said that it was a good thing that we'd left a few minutes later than usual and that God was looking out for us. My first thought was "God must have screwed those people (in the accident) over."
I know it's just something people say, but it's a ridiculous thing to say when you think about it.
As I said in my earlier post, there is a world of difference between "Get over it" on the one hand and "All is not lost" and "It happened for a reason" on the other.
No there isn't. They're all extremely insensitive, inconsiderate things to say to someone who is in pain. And inexcusable for an adult with basic social skills.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Bo Pepys
Misplaced anger and inappropriate emotions are common when a loved one dies. I think I am seeing some of that here; there is an awful lot of anger in this thread, more than seems warranted.
No, you're not seeing misplaced anger. What you're seeing is people becoming upset about a separate issue, something in addition to the loss of their loved one - someone saying something very hurtful and insensitive at a time when they really don't need the extra pain. Nothing "misplaced" about that at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Bo Pepys
But I am sure that becoming enraged toward those who express clumsy sentiments is not helpful. I doubt seriously that 0.000001% of those who express any sort of sentiments to someone who is freshly grieving, even "Get over it" or "I hope he was a Christian so he didn't end up in Hell" have any motive except to say what they think might be helpful, even if it isn't. I think it's wiser to cut them some slack.
I don't care what they think their motive is - if they're too stupid to realize how insensitive and hurtful that is, then they should keep their mouths shut. And if they're too dense to do that, then tough cookies.
I'm really saddened that so many people in this thread seem to think that the person who just lost a loved one, who is emotionally destroyed, and possibly going through the most horribly painful and traumatic few days of their entire life, is the one who is supposed to bear the burden of smoothing over a terribly insensitive social gaffe on the part of some inconsiderate moron. How about cutting the grieving survivors some slack, for Christ's sake? I think you, and a lot of other people in this thread, have some deeply skewed and seriously flawed perceptions of what is and is not appropriate social behavior in a time of loss. I'm a lot more inclined to be sensitive to the feelings of the grieving survivors than those of the socially inept clods who don't have the good sense to know when to keep their mouth shut.
I'm glad no one has ever said that to me. I would have either been stunned and silent or done something I'd probably be sorry about later. Where are the bouncers when you need them?
Oh, I've been in that position, and I didn't feel the least bit sorry later about what I said. When my father died, someone came up to me and said, "I hope you know this is all part of god's plan." I fought back my anger for a moment, smiled pleasantly, and said, "Oh, really? Well, what exactly is that plan then, and how did my father's death factor into it? I would find it helpful to know."
He hemmed and hawed a moment, and said something like, "Well, we can't really know the details of god's plan, blah blah blah." So I said, "Oh! Then maybe you shouldn't be saying such insensitive things, if you don't know what you're talking about." And I walked away.
... the one who is supposed to bear the burden of smoothing over a terribly insensitive social gaffe ...
There is, or should be, a rather large chasm between "grief over the loss of a loved one" to some tragedy and a "irritation at a social gaffe." The fact that you place them on virtually the same footing makes my point: misplaced anger. Whatever the anger is about, I really don't think it has much to do with the "social gaffe." It is either an expression of anger that can no longer be expressed at the deceased loved one (for committing suicide, for example), which is a classic example of misplaced anger, or at the underlying belief system of the person who committed the social gaffe (i.e., one of those morons who believes in God). OK, already, clumsy sentiments can be mildly irritating, but the level of anger in this thread is totally out of proportion to the "problem."
To me the people who say things like get over it or why are still obsessing it either have never dealt with this **** in their lives or are the bullies of the world. Good article.
Thanks. Charlie.
Sadly I have learned to live with this ****. I don't know if it ever gets any better but I am able to look at things with a different perspective the farther away in time they get.
I've found that communication skills among people are sorely lacking, and I fear that will only get worse.
Even family and friends awkwardly say the wrong things when they don't know what to say. As was mentioned in that article, saying nothing can be the best thing.
I think when someone is in distress over a death or serious illness, etc. that simply expressing my basic feeling of regret and sorrow over their situation is the first thing that comes up: "I am sorry that...." or "I regret that..." And if I sincerely mean it, to say something to the effect that "I'll be in touch next week to see if there is anything I can do for you." And then I listen to them. Share their sorrow, give support.
Only if someone is a co-religionist of the person, or has an extremely close relationship with the person, can I see moving into shared territory about "God's plan" or "karma" or "it happened for a reason." But only if one is 100% certain that these beliefs are really shared. Death especially is too searing an event to go gallomphing in with metaphysical comments otherwise.
Better to listen to the other person, and if they volunteer their own thoughts about "everything for a reason" or whatever, to nod in assent even if you don't believe it yourself. And let the metaphysics go at that.
It is my feeling that not a few people who burble out something about "everything for a reason," "God's plan" or "karma" are trying to fend off their own uncomfortable feelings that someone else's misfortune has stirred up in them. It is akin to whistling in the dark.
I've found that communication skills among people are sorely lacking, and I fear that will only get worse.
Even family and friends awkwardly say the wrong things when they don't know what to say. As was mentioned in that article, saying nothing can be the best thing.
Yes, younger generations now spend so many hours each day looking at a screen rather than in face to face communication with others. I think communications skills are going to get increasingly hard to come by. Hope that true empathy also doesn't start to be a thing of the past.
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