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We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
I saw that post today from one of my friends, too. It always annoys me when people say that. It takes something from the person going thru the aftermath of the occurrence. When you're in the midst of pain, grief, bewilderment etc it sure doesn't help to have someone tell you there was a good reason for the event that shattered your life and that you will understand why it happened later...Um, no, I won't. Sometimes rotten stuff just happens. (I did read the article, btw)
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
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GREAT ARTICLE....... I just the other day posted this very same subject in the Other Topics forum about unpopular opinions.....I AM SO tired of people saying this.....I just cringe and almost boil inside because it really is such bull****....Artangel..I totally agree.....and gouligannn...so sorry for your loss.....My cousin committed suicide last summer and my aunt had already lost my other cousin to brain cancer....and her husband to a horrible form of Parkinsons......right in a row......there is so reasoning behind all of that...... My mom passed away VERY suddenly 10 years ago this week...another blow to my aunt, really.....in her sleep...we had no warning....she wasn't sick and was only 65.....AND I had just gotten married the day before.....I was shell shocked.....felt like I spent my honeymoon at the funeral home.....I had a friend......a life long friend say to me.....WELL, IT'S A BLESSING REALLY.......HUH? I guess she thought going in your sleep was THE way to go...no suffering...no sickness....but it sure didn't help me in my time of need AND confusion.......I have a few people I need to send this to...thanks for posting it..
If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.
I don't see that one as a platitude. Over time, most people do see that the tragic events of life happened for a reason and that we grow as a result of them. Condolences that minimize the event or the grief may not be helpful to someone who is freshly grieving, but the above statement is not in that category.
Almost everyone is stumped for the appropriate thing to say at a time of someone else's tragedy. If you react with anger and feel some sort of satisfaction in "letting them go," perhaps a large part of the problem lies with you.
One of the most consistent messages from survivors of Near Death Experiences, as well as from most religions including Christianity, is that everything does happen for a reason, right down to the most seemingly insignificant events of life ("Not a sparrow falls from the sky ..." as Jesus said.) The ability to deal with tragic events depends largely on the perspective on life you had before the event happened.
The anger, frustration and bewilderment expressed here are perfectly natural, but so are the clumsy attempts to help you deal with them. Shifting the anger to those who express clumsy sentiments doesn't help anyone.
People have to move on eventually. If you don't you won't have to remove people from your life, they will leave on their own. Then you can move to a monastery like the writer.
People that leave or avoid you after a loss already made their decision so you don't have to remove them from your life.
I can overlook what some people say at times of loss and trouble. I am sure everyone here has said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Just because they said it to you at a bad time shouldn't put them in a separate category.
People aren't perfect. Sometimes they say or do the wrong thing, and we all have at one time or the other.
I have had problems and I have lost too many loved ones. I accept it. I adapt. I move on. I haven't forgotten and I doubt that is possible. I still love those that are gone. And I realize that everything doesn't happen for a reason, but I'll be damned if I will remove a person that meant well from my life and live in a monastery.
I read that article on FB and agree with it wholeheartedly. I can't believe that anyone would tell another person in the midst of a tragic loss that "Everything happens for a reason," or "It's a blessing," or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," or any other ridiculous, condescending platitude.
We had a man in our community, Eddie, who lost his entire family in May. His wife and two young children were swept away in a flood. There were many kind posts on FB, but one person posted, "God had great things in store for Eddie." My first reaction was to hunt that person down and slap her. The unmitigated stupidity of implying that God had a hand in taking his beloved family and that it was all part of a plan to somehow benefit Eddie down the road. I get pissed all over again thinking about it.
I know that people are often uncomfortable and awkward in the face of a great loss. But really, all you need to say is "I'm sorry." You don't need to try and impart any wisdom or lessen the grief. Just be kind, supportive and quiet.
While I'm ranting, another thing that totally chaps me is when people say "prayer works" or "God is great" when a loved one recovers from an illness. I understand that they're happy and grateful, but IMO, that's a slap in the face to anyone who has ever prayed with every fiber of their being for the healing of a loved one to no avail. If "prayer works" and "God is great" is the response to a favorable outcome, the logical response to an unfavorable outcome is "prayer doesn't work" and "God sucks." And do not circle back around and attribute a terrible loss to God's ultimate plan. Because if His plan is for a young child to die of cancer so that some benefit will be conferred down the road, He is not a good planner.
I do believe in God, but I don't believe that God is involved in the day-to-day here on earth, or that he's moving us like pieces on a chess board. If you believe that, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself the next time you're in a room with someone who has suffered a great loss.
We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
Nobody who believes in God ever sits in a sinking boat and prays. They know they have a part in the outcome of their life's events so the smart thing to do is to bail while they pray.
I don't subscribe, myself, to a god figure who makes things happen to me. But I do believe that things happen and it's my responsibility to figure out the best way to respond to them to make my life a good one. What works best for me when something unfortunate happens is to use it as a learning experience. In this case it would be learning how to deal with grief and loss without harming myself or others. One goal is to heal and accept that death is a part of life.
If I can do this the next death I will have to experience will be met with a little more acceptance and a little more confidence. And so I baby-step my way through life's problems, the goal being to gain strength and trust that I can take care of myself through it all.
It's easy when we are angry from a loss to blame others around us for not saying or doing the "right" thing. But ultimately what will matter is how I use the experience in my own life - to become disillusioned or bitter or to grow?
I hate that saying. Makes me want to punch the person who says that in the mouth.
Come back to me after you've suffered a devastating loss and see if you change your tune.
Same as the saying "God doesn't give us anymore than we can handle".
Yeah, right.
What if the person who made up that saying really didn't have that much going on?
I read that article on FB and agree with it wholeheartedly. I can't believe that anyone would tell another person in the midst of a tragic loss that "Everything happens for a reason," or "It's a blessing," or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," or any other ridiculous, condescending platitude. ....
My all time favourite is "God fits the burden to the back." It suggest to me that not infrequently this God is a myopic sadist.
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