My mother-in-law passed away - how to grief

[cheesenugget]

I think I'm in denial.

I met my mother-in-law once. She was an old woman, who was kind, caring and a gentle soul. She fostered children when she was younger, tolerated her abusive husband until he passed from alcoholism, and most of her grown children took advantage of her financially because they knew she didn't have the heart to refuse help.

When we met, she loved me like her own daughter. She defended me after I left against the rest of her family who tried to break me and my husband apart. She gave us money as a gift when she had so little.

The last time I saw her, she waited at the bus with me and cried. I could only stay for a month. She lived an ocean away from us. We told her we will visit again once my husband's immigration paperwork is settled.

A week after his immigration paperwork was approved, she had a stroke and passed. That was two days ago.

I haven't cried but I know I cared for her. I was waiting until we have more money to go visit her, possibly next year. Plane tickets are about $1200 per person roundtrip. Without warning, she is gone. Or so I was told. I feel nothing about it, like it was a lie. I think I am in denial. Or am I cold hearted? Is there something wrong with me? I wasn't surprised that she was at the hospital, she always had a weak health but this time, she will not come back.

My husband is in shock, I think. He cried but continues his usual routine. We haven't talked much about this other than discussing how he can get there to take care of his affairs.

[SweetLittleWing]

From what you have written, I do not get the sense at all that you're cold hearted.

If your anything like me, you feel ok now, but then it's going to hit you out of the blue. Like our minds protect us from our emotions long enough so we can think clearly, and create a plan of action. My condolences to yourself and your family.

[NorthWindBlowing]

It will sink in later when the shock has worn off, and that's when you will really start to deal with it. Grieving has it's own schedule. I am sorry for your loss. <3

[G Grasshopper]

Sometimes the degree of grief you feel does depend on your closeness/identification/love of the person who died. None of us on this forum can have any idea of your relationship with or feelings for your MIL. You may or may not have a lot of grief over her loss, and it may come on suddenly or be delayed. In any case, you should not judge yourself or hold yourself to any particular "standard" of when or how much you should grieve. Be genuine. Feel what you feel. Your respect and regard for her is not diminished or enhanced by the way you grieve; your feelings remain, despite how much or how little you cry. You can honor her in other ways besides crying. Be sensitive to your husband's feelings, and be open to talking about it, if he wants to, and be open to how he wants to honor and remember his mom.