I want to tell you about the night my husband died
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It was a lovely night, that last night. It captured your relationship in a nutshell. Simple, easy, loving, compromising. You felt accepted and safe. And today's sadness is living in a world that holds anything but all the attributes of your marriage.
I was widowed from my 2nd husband -- after 18 years -- at age 50. It was a totally compatible marriage like yours; so much more appreciated by me because my 1st marriage was one of living under constant criticism and rejection.
And now I have been married again for 12 years. But I know your sadness and sometimes I still feel it.
My husband died on 5/1/15 so it's not all that recent but I can't seem to get passed it.
I love to tell the story because to me it was just so romantic. A little background, we met later in life, I was 46 and he was 55. Not long after meeting, he had heart failure and had a triple bypass and a pig valve put in his heart. We talked about our hopes and dreams and in the meantime, we buried his parents and his only sibling. It was just the two of us.
I came home from a little part time job that I had in a greenhouse and he met me on the porch with a cold beer in each hand. I laughed because although I was not opposed to a cold beer, he didn't drink. He said, I want to have a beer with you and take the dogs for a walk. So we did. He told me on the walk that he really hadn't made anything for dinner and would I mind if we just had grilled cheese and tomato soup. When I responded that I thought that was a great idea, I couldn't believe those words were coming from my mouth since I don't like grilled cheese and tomato soup. He said great! you make the sandwiches and I'll make the soup. So we ate and it was really, really good.
I told him that I was so tired and I was going to lay in bed for about an hour and then get up and take a bath. Well, when i woke up, it was midnight and he was watching tv.
I walked into the kitchen and he came in and said, okay, changing of the guard, i'm going to bed and I said I was going to stay up on the computer. He took my face in his hands and told me that he loved me and I said I know you do and he said no I don't think you do. I really really love you and I said ok silly go to bed and he did. I went in at 7 in the morning to get that bath that I needed and found him dead.
I love that we had such a simple no nonsense night and he had a beer for me and I had a grilled cheese and soup for him. It may sound corny to some but to me it's the memory of a lifetime.
I've read the threads here over and over and they have given me great comfort. I especially like Life alone, life beyond loss. It gives me hope.
I just want this incredible pain to end. The loneliness and heartbreak is overwhelming. I cry and cry and can't leave the house because my eyes are so swollen and then when the swelling goes down, I do the errands I have to do and then I do it all over again.
How does a person adjust to such a loss? How do you go from having such a happy life to having nothing? It's cruel and I don't like it.
It's so difficult for so many people to see through the forest of life with all of its twists and turns and ups and downs, and find THOSE moments, THOSE times, the ones that truly define the relationship you have. I think many relationships fail because of that lack of sight. You had it with him, and your story is sadly beautiful.
Such a lovely story. I'm sorry you are now without him. I am sure having this memory helps and you should honor him by having a grilled cheese sandwich and beer every year for him
I've read the threads here over and over and they have given me great comfort. I especially like Life alone, life beyond loss. It gives me hope.
I just want this incredible pain to end. The loneliness and heartbreak is overwhelming. I cry and cry and can't leave the house because my eyes are so swollen and then when the swelling goes down, I do the errands I have to do and then I do it all over again.
How does a person adjust to such a loss? How do you go from having such a happy life to having nothing? It's cruel and I don't like it.
Some things I did:
I attended a grief support group -- tremendous help and I met others going thru the same thing
I changed jobs -- I just needed a new place to work without the history and with new challenges
I waited a year and sold the house -- just couldn't stand to live in the neighborhood any more
I started going to the gym and working out -- went to a regular fitness class
I bought a new car -- I did this about 2 months into being widowed; just couldn't stand to drive the cars we drove around in together
I bought a new bedroom set -- ditto above and I sold the old one -- selecting new furnishings meant doing a lot of shopping -- getting me out
I took a few adult ed classes -- wine tasting, powder puff mechanics, current events, etc.
I did lots of other things, too......... and not suggesting you get busy doing any of these things. We all have to move through life in our own way. I am just responding to your post.
I have had a relative tell me that we were only together 12 years so why am I taking this so hard. She says that she has been with her husband 49 years but all she does is complain about him. Yes, I only had 12 years but I cherished every day and I loved him so much that a grilled cheese and a bowl of tomato soup doesn't seem to give such a wonderful man the final send off but that is what he wanted.
Oh God, how do you get past this pain?
Well in a way the pain never does go away. you learn to live with it. I think in the beginning I mentally shut down so I could handle all the necessary stuff that needed to be done. I had several melt downs but tried to remind myself being miserable was helping no one especially me. I know harsh words But directed at myself.
The best thing I did for myself was to put all the energy to taking care of me as I put into caring for him when he had the cancer for almost 4 years. Nothing financial except I did buy myself a new fiddle for all of $62.00 shipped. not a good one but it plays nicely when y fingers remember what to do. Mostly it is allowing myself the luxury to sleep in when I want , not to beat myself up if I do not get as much done around the house as I had planned for the day. I just keep a running list and some days I will not pick the hard things to do on the list but do all the easy ones instead. I give myself total permission to do whatever I want. As much as your husband Loved you I am sure he would want you to to the same for yourself.
I have thrown myself into re-doing the yard. nothing expensive. Maybe a total cost of $350 at the most. But it makes all the difference in the world to me to walk around and enjoy lovely spaces around me. I am creating my own paradise for myself.
We also got together later in life. I was 35 he was 45. We had 31 wonderful years together and just did so many things together he was my whole world. Now I need to create a new world around me with him not here. But in my heart I know he is still here guiding me . I feel his presence often. He has saved my butt several times when I was about to make a possible mistake. I felt him sending me mental messages. Maybe open your mind and heart to it. It must be so much harder to have his death be so sudden and unexpected.
If you need to just chat about this message me. I am hanging out all alone since hubby has been gone. I have no family. I am kind of hermit. Always have been.
Wow...this made me tear up again. What a beautiful story. You two were clearly very close and very much in love. I think it sounds like his final hours were exactly what he wanted and were with exactly the person he wanted to spend them with.
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