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I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
I don't know that you do come to terms with a loss like that.
I saw a quote recently, some my find it cheesy, but it explained grief as the love that you can't express to that person anymore.
It hit me with the recent passing of my mom. I didn't see her every day, or even every week, but the other day I was driving around and I realized that no matter where I go on this earth I will not be able to see her or talk to her. It is probably the closest I have come to feeling actual despair and helplessness.
I think the most helpful words of wisdom have been written on here many times already: Accept it, remember them, and keep moving forward.
Last night I was looking at a Christmas gift ad from Costco and suddenly became overwhelmed with missing my parents. Dad died in 2012 and Mom in 2016. We were close and had always spent Christmas together.
twins apparently have such a strong bond, most of the rest of us can't even imagine. Perhaps that's part of her sadness.
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Originally Posted by mondayafternoons
I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
I don't think anyone truly gets over the loss of someone they love. You learn to live without them, but there will always be something missing, a hole in the heart. I know that people make that adjustment to differing degrees. Some people may find it very difficult to have a life again. Others are more resilient. But that doesn't mean the pain has gone away, or that they no longer feel the loss. I had a psychologist tell me once that the closer we are to a person, the deeper the love for and identification with that person, the harder it will be to adjust to life without them, and I believe that is true. But even if we go on to have meaningful, happy lives, that hurt never leaves us. I have told this story before, so forgive me if you have read it, but my grandmother lost a child when he was 2 years old. She was a wonderful, loving grandmother with a great sense of humor, who died at the age of 86. But all that time, over 60 years, she had kept a little outfit that her lost child had worn. She had requested to be burred with it, and that is what happened; it was folded in her arms in the casket. She had lived many happy years without her child, but the hurt was always there, to her last day.
I've been thinking about this some lately...some losses seem almost impossible to accept if that's the right word-- any words of wisdom for how one can finally come to terms with one of those kind of losses? example- my mother told the story many times of how her own mother never accepted or "got over" ( hate that phrase but not sure how else to say it) the death of her twin sister- they were identical twins and her twin died of an illness in her early twenties. My mother said the rest of her life into her seventies she would look at her picture and lament and talk about her, and how my mom in a way felt affected by it in some way she didn't fully explain much- I am taking it like she felt somewhat neglected at times or that her mom cared more about living in past times remembering her sister than being present with her.
There is complexity in what you state. A child is utterly defenseless and in need of nurture to survive and grow. A mother who is grieving a sister may seem to be neglecting her own child. There is no fault to be ascribed to a child for being narcissistic, as that is a core developmental stage. There are joys between mother and child that can be thwarted by grief and depression, and that is sad, but as an adult the child has to recognize that the mother is and was a real individual with her own flaws and hurts. Only then can the child take ownership of her own life.
As adults, we are still very much children in many ways. When someone we love is taken from us, the game of peek-a-boo that we constantly played with them, asking their opinion, reaching out to touch them, holding them close, ends without their physical presence. Each time that happens we are shocked and hurt. "Why aren't you THERE????"
Our task is to recognize that they are still there, just not with a physical presence. We can reach down inside, we can simply ask, and often there will be some sort of response. It might not be immediate, it might not be as we expect, but there usually is a response.
I might suggest a book - Coleman Barks "The Soul of Rumi." There are many levels of understanding to reading the book. On the first level, Rumi had a friend called Shems or Shams, with whom he had wonderful discussions of the divine. Shems was killed, and Rumi lamented his death, but at the same time he was writing about the lament he had for man being separated from the divine.
My best friend and her mother. They died within 6 months of each other when I was in my early 20s. It's been almost 20 years, and it still hurts. I want to tell them about what's happened since they've been gone. I think there is something exponentially worse about losing two people who were tightly linked to you and each other. When one person dies, you become the sole keeper of the memories shared between you and that person. When two people die, you are responsible for keeping the memories shared between the three of you. I sometimes feel frantic about what I don't remember about them 20 years later.
I have never gotten over the passing of my mother. I pass the nursing home she spent her last two months of life, everyday, twice a day. It's on the way to/from work. I will be glad when I retire and won't get that daily reminder of my loss.
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