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I know of no statistics. I would suspect that the percentage who actively seek counseling is relatively small. My wife was a psychotherapist and licensed professional counselor. I don't remember her mentioning anyone approaching her for grief counseling, although later fallout from family issues and deaths was grist for the mill.
Guys are often very scared to show weakness of any kind, or deal with the emotions that may come with showing weakness. It is part of the culture.
There are various books - I'll leave it to others to suggest ones that have helped them. That way he can learn and try to work through some of it privately. He has to go through his process, whatever it is. All you can do is be there as a support.
A good book "Don't take My Grief Away" This book helped me a lot when my mother died, although it tends to focus on the loss of a spouse. It does define that grief is a process, which takes time. There's no getting out of the actual process, although the timeframe varies among individuals. It states that grief usually lasts 6 months---2 years. Too soon is as bad as too much.
I do wish people would stop suggesting counseling for all of life's ills. Its not like counseling provides answers, solutions, etc. Ah, yes, I know, the counseling helps YOU find your OWN answers. Well, the counseling I went to never did anything but sit there and look at me. I felt more frustrated with the problem than when I began counseling! Its frustrating, and humiliating, to pour our your story to someone who just stares at you!
Besides, do realize, counseling cost money! Even with insurance, your copay does add up. Its usually also time off work, which gets hard to dance around. The counseling itself just becomes another burden!
Instead, we must realize, we all have our burdens to bear. Making a money-grab out of it doesn't help, except for the counselor
Its interesting because everyone i talk to about the incident suggests counseling right away. Thats what made me suggest to him. Its just interesting to hear other people say no to it.
I also have no idea what the statistics are. Some people really don't have family or friends who are capable of listening compassionately and appropriately, so counseling can help out there. But no one should be pushed into going.
As for support groups, I tried a church based group and really did not like it. The people in the group were not well matched and had all different expectations. I didn't like the curriculum, either. It was a class with a booklet, homework, etc., and I liked none of it, especially the theological outlook that was being pushed.
On the other hand, I went to an 8 week support group with my local hospice, and that was extremely helpful, I think because it was not a regimented class, but had a trained leader, and because the people were all appropriate (in my case, spousal loss, over 60, within the last year.)
My thought, OP, is that since you are asking this question, you are probably a good person to support your boyfriend, to let him talk, to listen with compassion, but not with "solutions."
A good book "Don't take My Grief Away" This book helped me a lot when my mother died, although it tends to focus on the loss of a spouse. It does define that grief is a process, which takes time. There's no getting out of the actual process, although the timeframe varies among individuals. It states that grief usually lasts 6 months---2 years. Too soon is as bad as too much.
I do wish people would stop suggesting counseling for all of life's ills. Its not like counseling provides answers, solutions, etc. Ah, yes, I know, the counseling helps YOU find your OWN answers. Well, the counseling I went to never did anything but sit there and look at me. I felt more frustrated with the problem than when I began counseling! Its frustrating, and humiliating, to pour our your story to someone who just stares at you!
Besides, do realize, counseling cost money! Even with insurance, your copay does add up. Its usually also time off work, which gets hard to dance around. The counseling itself just becomes another burden!
Instead, we must realize, we all have our burdens to bear. Making a money-grab out of it doesn't help, except for the counselor
I'm certain you knew I was going to respond. Yes, I agree with you that all of life's ills do not require counseling, as my wife would have as well. As far as the money aspect? The greater issue is wasting the time of a psychotherapist or counselor who could be helping others. Consider the time, effort, and money that goes into getting a PhD and being licensed - and the ongoing work to retain that license - and the cost of individual counseling might make more sense to you. The dedication required means that the income is usually secondary to the intent. In point of fact, the cost of therapy is often a motivator for the client to work rather than dawdle.
You had a counselor in the past that didn't work. Guess what, so have I! That does not mean that every counselor is incompetent, any more than a bad mechanic means there is no one who can fix cars. It can be appropriate to warn against bad counselors, but your response is a bit over-the-top, even if you do feel the sting.
Client centered therapy is NOT about providing answers or claiming to be a person in authority who has a "right" course of action. If you want quick fixes, CBT can often work wonders on a budget, but even it tries to be minimally directive. Effective intervention and therapy has to be confluent with the values of the client and is most effective when achieved by the client rather than coerced by a therapist.
As for grief counseling, often that is handled by pastoral counselors who don't have the same standards to uphold as LPCs. Within the agreed-upon framework of a religion, they can do quite well. When you start to get into existential crisis, depression, suicidal thoughts, and other issues, they might be out of their depth.
I was approached by a couple people to attend a support group after my wife's sudden and unexpected death. I avoided it for a month or so, then attended a few sessions. I didn't care for it. One guy, the one who eventually drug me to the meeting, had lost his wife, but his grief was centered on not having a good relationship. (That wasn't my problem!)
Another guy, who was always there with his wife, repeated over and over that he had nothing and nobody to live for since his son (college student) was killed in a biking accident. Meanwhile his doting wife sat next to him listening. I wanted to smack him!
I'm not one who's comfortable talking about my depression with anyone, let alone a group of people I hardly know, so I didn't talk much.
All that said, I might have been better off if I'd have talked with a counselor, as I did not/have not handled her loss well. It's been 20 years now and I still grieve her loss. I made a lot of mistakes that I shouldn't have. BUT, unless someone wants to seek counseling, I don't think it would help much.
I think a big problem we face, when we are suffering this way, is that others try to shut us out because they're uncomfortable with our grieving process. I remember a moment at work about a month after my dad had died. A group of us were having an animated conversation about something light - reminiscing about pop music when we were teens. There was some laughter and fun. Then I said, "Oh, my dad hated to admit it but he loved that group!". The entire room fell silent and everyone went back to their desks. It made me feel terrible. A year later I met the man who I am now married to. On our first date, he asked about my dad. He listened while I spoke. He didn't run away when I cried. And to this day, he keeps those memories of my dad alive, by remembering anecdotes, funny stories, etc.
Grief is such hard work and it gets done, now or later. Everyone does it differently... but the best thing is having someone by your side who will listen.
I do wish people would stop suggesting counseling for all of life's ills. Its not like counseling provides answers, solutions, etc. Ah, yes, I know, the counseling helps YOU find your OWN answers. Well, the counseling I went to never did anything but sit there and look at me. I felt more frustrated with the problem than when I began counseling! Its frustrating, and humiliating, to pour our your story to someone who just stares at you!
Besides, do realize, counseling cost money! Even with insurance, your copay does add up. Its usually also time off work, which gets hard to dance around. The counseling itself just becomes another burden!
Instead, we must realize, we all have our burdens to bear. Making a money-grab out of it doesn't help, except for the counselor
You obviously had a bad experience with a counselor. And indeed, there are counselors who are pretty unhelpful. That's why it is a good idea to get a recommendation from someone you trust.
But just because you found a loser doesn't mean they all are losers. When my husband died, I had family who were there for me, but they had not experienced what I had, and they had their own problems to get through. The counselor I had did not just sit and stare at me. She was a cancer survivor herself, knew my husband, which was helpful, and worked very hard to make the costs as reasonable for me as possible. (I saw her once a week for a few months, then every other week, then every three, etc. Plus, she went out of her way to get most of the cost covered by insurance.) I stopped at about 6 months. The whole experience was one that helped me to survive those first terrible months.
No, we should not go running to a counselor for every little thing. This was not a little thing to me. There are a lot of people, I think, who are not open to counseling. No one should be forced or intimidated into going, because you will not get much from it if it is not voluntary. In addition, counseling should not be looked on as a panacea. It is a support, a help, but not a solution. Those have to come from within. The counselor cannot give you solutions, but hopefully gives you perspective, helps you to look at things in a different way, accepts your feelings, encourages you to do the work of grieving. (None of us get out of that.)
In truth, there is no one answer for everyone. Talking to friends or family, support groups, on-line support forums, counselors, on-to-one church supports like Stephen Ministries, reading relevant books, self care, and just time all can help us to survive catastrophic loss. Everyone has to find the path that works for them.
Its interesting because everyone i talk to about the incident suggests counseling right away. Thats what made me suggest to him. Its just interesting to hear other people say no to it.
It depends. If a loved one committed suicide then one might benefit greatly from counseling, if only to realize it is not your fault. A month is not a long time to get over grief especially the loss of a brother so young. Give him time. Most deaths don't require counseling, they do when the grief is all consuming or you have guilt.
I think the most important thing is to accept that grief for a close person can take a long time and go through different stages. It comes and goes. He may or may not be open to counseling at some point, but it's good that you're not pushing it.
A sibling can be a particularly difficult loss. Siblings are our first companions in our own generation and often end up being the people we know the longest and the only people who knew us as youngsters. As adults they are part of our weddings and are the aunts and uncles to our kids and the parents of their cousins. So this is a loss that he will feel to some extent throughout his life.
Last edited by Harpaint; 11-10-2017 at 01:17 PM..
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