Do you ever feel bad about the way you treated a loved one after they die?
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Sometimes, like tonight, I can't fall asleep bc I'm racked with guilt about the times I wasn't kind to my grandma. Things like getting annoyed bc she'd talk too much or she'd always bug me to fix something, etc. I mean, it wasn't often but now that she's gone, I feel really terrible that I wasn't always the sweetest person to be around. All the things that annoyed me would make me feel so happy to do if I had another chance.
Do any of you have bad feelings about bad interactions with loved ones, even if decades before they died? I guess the lesson is to be more mindful of my actions in the future.
I can't speak for others, but yes. The lesson is not only to act in ways you can be comfortable with, but to learn to extend compassion and forgiveness to yourself. We all make mistakes. We are all flawed.
I would imagine that everyone does to some degree. And, if the situation had been reversed, she would be probably thinking similar things about you. There is always a shoulda, coulda, woulda. You just can't dwell on that. Remember the good times and like Mr. Chickpea said... extend compassion and forgiveness to yourself.
There isn't a one of us that has always consistently said or done the very right things to every person we care about.
When we love someone, we love them despite their flaws. In fact, sometimes their flaws are very much a part of what we love. So you know the reverse is also true; those who love us do so despite our flaws. If we were perfect, no one would recognize us. Your grandma loved you despite the occasional slip. So do the same for yourself. Accept that you are human and not perfect. Forgive yourself and go on. I imagine that is what your grandma would want you to do.
Op: it's a growing pain to see our poor behavior and re adjust.
The gift of change. Live it as an homage to those who restitution cannot be made.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of some of the ways I treated a love one. Then I re adjust and do better. Lots of it was actually toning down,easing up ..and letting go ...
Thanks. It's just that I'm really angry with myself. Who cared that she talked a lot or other annoying things. Things that are irritating in the moment mean nothing in the long term. I wish I could go back and change it.
I don't know. I know people say it gets easier but we were super close, probably codependent. Everything I did was for her or to make her proud. Now, I just have to do things for me and the truth is that I really don't care about me. The idea of just working so I can live until I die just seems pointless. I guess I'm the type that needs a reason to do stuff and she was always my reason. Now that I'm the reason, I just don't care. I'm not suicidal or depressed, I just don't care. I wouldn't mind never waking up or the dr telling me I'm dying. It'd be a relief.
Just a very small thing but I think about it sometimes. My DH and I were together almost all the time - we had a busy life living in the country and doing farm-type chores. I didn't have a lot of free time to read, I would read in bed, and if I were eating alone, I would be reading. Sometimes he would come and sit at the table with me even though he was not eating, and I would put the book down. He might not even talk to me, just sit. I would feel annoyed that he was interfering with my reading time but never said anything.
How I wish I could look up and see him sitting across the table from me once more. I have all the time in the world to read now.
Thanks. It's just that I'm really angry with myself. Who cared that she talked a lot or other annoying things. Things that are irritating in the moment mean nothing in the long term. I wish I could go back and change it.
I don't know. I know people say it gets easier but we were super close, probably codependent. Everything I did was for her or to make her proud. Now, I just have to do things for me and the truth is that I really don't care about me. The idea of just working so I can live until I die just seems pointless. I guess I'm the type that needs a reason to do stuff and she was always my reason. Now that I'm the reason, I just don't care. I'm not suicidal or depressed, I just don't care. I wouldn't mind never waking up or the dr telling me I'm dying. It'd be a relief.
Do you know anyone that loves someone but never ever said one wrong thing to them?
My father in law was driving my mother in law to the store when a car hit them and killed her. He could have spent the rest of his life saying.. if only I had left 5 minutes earlier.. If only I had been driving 2 miles an hour slower...if.. if..
My husband died unexpectedly 3-1/2 months ago. He was 63. He had been feeling bad the night before. I tried to talk him into going to the ER.. he absolutely refused. I told him that if he wasn't feeling any better the next morning we were going. Turned out.. I had to call an ambulance who had to call air evac .. and he passed away. The night before, I got a bit angry at him for not going to the ER. I even took video of him walking so I could shove it in his face the next day to show him he needed to get looked at. It took me 20 minutes to get him from the car into the house. Maybe I could have forced the issue.. there's all sorts of things that I could dwell on but you know what? I choose to remember the good times, the good comments, the happy times. I know that anything I said to him out of frustration or annoyance, he knew me.. he knew where I was coming from and he wouldn't hold it against me in the least.
We're human. You cannot expect yourself to be above the rest of humanity.
You will find another reason and truly.. one other human on the earth should not be our reason for living anyway. Grieve now and let a little time pass. It will get better.
If it doesn't, get thee to a support group.
Join a club, find other reasons to get out of bed in the morning.
After a little time go to http://www.meetup.com and see what's available in your area. Help yourself to move on.
It does get better.
Not really. My second wife died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 51. We'd only been together for 3.5 years, married for 2.5. In all that time, we'd never said a harsh word to each other and had the closest, most loving relationship I could ever imagine. She had been through three bad marriages and I one, so we both appreciated and clung to what we felt was the greatest love of all time. Losing her was by far the worst tragedy of my life, but one consolation I had was knowing that her years with me were the best years of her life. (Mine too.)
We used to play this little game, "What if...." I still remember the conversation, "What would you do differently if you knew you only had a year to live?" She said she wouldn't want to do anything differently -- go back east (she was from NJ) and see her kids once more, then return and continue our lives as long as we could. Well, a year before her death we took a 6-week camping trip through Canada and the northern U.S., including a couple weeks with her kids in NY, NJ, PA, then returned to Wyoming. She was a gifted writer and always dreamed of writing a novel, so after returning from our trip, neither of us worked as we had up until then. Instead she worked on a couple novels (I helped with research) while I concentrated on nature photography. We were both living the good life, hoping that we'd be successful in our endeavors that year and could spend the next few decades doing exactly what we did that final year of her life.
Not long after her death I attended a weekly grieving group for awhile, initiated when some guy I didn't know called me a few times urging me to attend. I didn't go to many meetings, but the guy who called and I did become friends. He'd lost his wife a year earlier, and the toughest thing about his loss was that they were never very close. He shouldered the blame for some of that, even though he said he tried.
We all grieve in different ways, for different periods of time and, somewhat, for different reasons. I think the only "cure" for it is time, and that varies tremendously with each of us. It's been 22 years since my late wife's death. I still miss her, but when I think about her now it usually brings a smile to my face. I'm just thankful that we had that time together and lived it so well, for me and for her. I regret her death but nothing about our lives together.
Not really. My second wife died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 51. We'd only been together for 3.5 years, married for 2.5. In all that time, we'd never said a harsh word to each other and had the closest, most loving relationship I could ever imagine. She had been through three bad marriages and I one, so we both appreciated and clung to what we felt was the greatest love of all time. Losing her was by far the worst tragedy of my life, but one consolation I had was knowing that her years with me were the best years of her life. (Mine too.)
We used to play this little game, "What if...." I still remember the conversation, "What would you do differently if you knew you only had a year to live?" She said she wouldn't want to do anything differently -- go back east (she was from NJ) and see her kids once more, then return and continue our lives as long as we could. Well, a year before her death we took a 6-week camping trip through Canada and the northern U.S., including a couple weeks with her kids in NY, NJ, PA, then returned to Wyoming. She was a gifted writer and always dreamed of writing a novel, so after returning from our trip, neither of us worked as we had up until then. Instead she worked on a couple novels (I helped with research) while I concentrated on nature photography. We were both living the good life, hoping that we'd be successful in our endeavors that year and could spend the next few decades doing exactly what we did that final year of her life.
Not long after her death I attended a weekly grieving group for awhile, initiated when some guy I didn't know called me a few times urging me to attend. I didn't go to many meetings, but the guy who called and I did become friends. He'd lost his wife a year earlier, and the toughest thing about his loss was that they were never very close. He shouldered the blame for some of that, even though he said he tried.
We all grieve in different ways, for different periods of time and, somewhat, for different reasons. I think the only "cure" for it is time, and that varies tremendously with each of us. It's been 22 years since my late wife's death. I still miss her, but when I think about her now it usually brings a smile to my face. I'm just thankful that we had that time together and lived it so well, for me and for her. I regret her death but nothing about our lives together.
Very well said and a great attitude.
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