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I had a family member pass away at 50 in the last few days. She was apparently a "secret drinker" with liver, kidneys and pancreas failing and a few days on life support before the family made the decision to take her off. She leaves two high school age kids and a husband.
I just can't make sense of this. No one had any idea that she had this problem except her husband who hushed up any other hospitalizations she had (I'm hearing about at least one). The kids are completely in shock. As are the rest of us.
It's very very sad and scary. She was.a vibrant woman who loved her kids more than life. I just feel like a zombie.
I'm sorry for your loss. Not knowing she had a serious health problem makes the shock of her death so much worse, because it's so unexpected.
Right now I have an elderly aunt who's fighting for her life in the ICU. Initially her husband didn't want to tell anyone she was in the hospital because he didn't want anyone to worry; fortunately one of his sons told him that keeping this a secret would hurt, not help, the rest of the family should she not recover. There may not be anything that anyone can do about the health issue, but at least knowing gives us time to emotionally prepare for the worst.
I've known someone too who died from alcoholism but kept it all secret until the end. That's very sad indeed and is why we must be alert to people in our lives and their struggles. If they would just share, so much could be done to help....shame gets the better of people, I'm afraid, when it shouldn't be so.
I've known someone too who died from alcoholism but kept it all secret until the end. That's very sad indeed and is why we must be alert to people in our lives and their struggles. If they would just share, so much could be done to help....shame gets the better of people, I'm afraid, when it shouldn't be so.
So sorry, sincerely emotioo for your loss and that of her husband and children.
Well said gbh, shame of any kind never helps anyone, especially those who are left behind to cope!
I know a family member who had lung cancer and wouldn't let anyone tell her only child who lived in another state. By the time she was in the hospital in her last days he was told and came to her side.
He was so in shock that he had to deal with the fact that a mother he thought was ok was not only dying, but denied him a chance to say his goodbyes.
They were very close, had been through a lot together.
He has never come back to even see the family members who kept it from him and it has been several years.
His mother wanted so to protect him from pain, but in reality she did damage not only to her son, but to other family members who now have no relationship with him due to his feeling betrayed.
Alcoholism is an ugly disease. It hides in dark shadows, loving the fact that few people know. I discovered there are many, many more people than you think who suffer from alcoholism.
Years ago, my DH was hospitalized for kidney and liver failure, due to alcoholism. He tried to forbid me from telling his parents and siblings that he was dying. I refused and told his family he was hospitalized and not expected to live very long. They, of course, all visited him, which made DH VERY angry. He blamed me - of course.
I am so glad I did tell his family, though, because they are all still around and very supportive of me and my (now grown) children. DH effectively killed himself via his alcohol consumption.
OP, I am truly sorry that your relative's husband enabled her even unto death. He did her no favors.
4dn, I am always amazed when people do this to "spare the child(ren). It is not supposed to be like that. I don't blame the kid for feeling betrayed by his other family members.
Peach, I am glad to hear you did the proper thing. That took courage and love.
I, too, had a mother who died of alcoholism, she was hospitalized at least a dozen times, I was told to keep it a secret, it was a family secret or so I thought but after talking to friends and neighbors in the past, every single person was aware she was a alcoholic. She was the worst alcoholic I have ever encountered. In fact many people were surprised how good I turned out. I do not like to be around people who drink excessively. I am sorry for your loss.
I carry this disease and make no bones about it that I'll die in part from its affects during my active years. Haven't picked up a drop in 24 years and rarely welcome the stigma some like to convey of the drunkard.
I absolutely have zero desire to burden my kids with my ails. It serves no purpose for them . Spare them...you betcha! Let's face it most folks don't need a wake up call to treat others kindly on any given day. I sincerely do wish to express though my condolences for the family loss. She was more then her disease...so much more.
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