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As my 50th birthday approaches, I am struggling with an overwhelming feeling of loss. My mother died in 2013, my only sibling very unexpectedly in 2016 and my father in 2018 after almost 1 1/2 years of hospice care in my home. It is a very strange feeling to not have anyone left of your immediate family and hard to describe to my husband.
I think he just can't understand because even though he has lost his mother and father, he has 3 siblings and their children. My brother never had children and the extended family is not in contact. I am happy to have my husband and our 3 children and we all love each other very much. (My 2 grown children are my stepsons and their mother passed away when they were young) We also have a younger daughter together and really have a fantastic family.
That said, it is still such a lonely feeling to have lost my immediate family. My husband keeps saying he knows how it feels because he lost his parents and his first wife. I also lost a fiance a couple of years before I met my husband. But this feels different. I guess I really can't explain this empty feeling to him and make him understand how it's different.
I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has found themselves in this position and has felt the way I feel about it. And if so, have you been able to describe it to anyone accurately? I just wish my husband could understand it better.
I felt this way after the second parent died....
Like I was an untethered balloon, floating alone in the wide blue sky. It diminished but that was my immediate reaction. Have a brother but not at all close...so I don't count him as supportive family. No one left now...but me.
Yes, as gbh said, it does get better with time. I am an only child with both parents dead and my husband is dead also. It is a tough road to hoe but if you work on it within yourself, acceptance and a form of peace can be achieved.
Maybe he is zeroing in on the term "family" you say you miss rather than the individuals. Or he is not wired the same way emotionally.
I am sorry you no longer have your dear family members. Can you honor them by doing something like researching your family history or putting together a special photo album and then scanning it for your kid(s)? Also I like to plant different types of trees in honor of people I miss.
As my 50th birthday approaches, I am struggling with an overwhelming feeling of loss. My mother died in 2013, my only sibling very unexpectedly in 2016 and my father in 2018 after almost 1 1/2 years of hospice care in my home. It is a very strange feeling to not have anyone left of your immediate family and hard to describe to my husband.
I think he just can't understand because even though he has lost his mother and father, he has 3 siblings and their children. My brother never had children and the extended family is not in contact. I am happy to have my husband and our 3 children and we all love each other very much. (My 2 grown children are my stepsons and their mother passed away when they were young) We also have a younger daughter together and really have a fantastic family.
That said, it is still such a lonely feeling to have lost my immediate family. My husband keeps saying he knows how it feels because he lost his parents and his first wife. I also lost a fiance a couple of years before I met my husband. But this feels different. I guess I really can't explain this empty feeling to him and make him understand how it's different.
I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has found themselves in this position and has felt the way I feel about it. And if so, have you been able to describe it to anyone accurately? I just wish my husband could understand it better.
Unless someone has experienced profound loss they will never understand your profound loss. It isn't their failing. it is just a fact. don't hold his lack of experience against him.
Tell him when you are sad. tell him what you need from him when you are sad. people who love us will try to help the best they can when told what you want them to do.
Last edited by texan2yankee; 03-20-2019 at 03:54 PM..
OP--I have been in this same situation, even with the distant siblings, except I am/was the person your husband is. My husband didn't really communicate his full feelings though. When he did it was one off comments like "I'm an orphan. I don't have any family left." I even said those same words as your husband, "My family is your family" or "What about OUR family?"
All I can tell you is that until this is his experience he cannot fully understand it. It's not because he's not sympathetic. He really cannot empathize though because his grief and perspective is different. I'll also add that some of my responses came from a deeply hidden defensive place about the great family we had created and how my family treated him in my view. Deep down I felt like he was ignoring what was right in front of him--the fantastic life we created and our two awesome kids. It felt like he was dismissing it and that hurt. I think it also bugged me that he didn't see how my family treated him as one of their own--that was my view though. His view was a bit different and he was right in some ways. Blood is thicker than water when it comes to in-laws. He understood that better than me.
I don't know if it helps to know that might drive his reaction, but it's pretty natural. Different views of the same events.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. It is hard for others to empathize when they have not been through it. They can sympathize, but not empathize.
From 2014 to 2018 I lost both in laws, 2 brothers, my husband, and my Mom. People can't fathom that profound amount of loss unless they have experienced it first hand. I stopped expecting them to. To make matters worse my sister abandoned me after Mom died because of her psycho daughter (long story not for this forum). If it weren't for my 2 daughters, I would truly be alone in this world. Of course there's extended family but I mean close relationships that are special.
Sometimes it would be nice to just be allowed to cry on someones shoulder. That's why I have my pups. They comfort me more than any person. My daughters are awesome and they grieve for family too but it's not the same. When you lose your parents and your spouse you truly feel alone and kind of drift. I can't explain it. I go to work for 2 jobs but other than that I do kind of just drift through life.
I once read that loss of your parents and siblings is an irreplaceable loss because only those people have beared witness to your life from the beginning. You have shared experiences from birth and a special intimacy that comes from those shared experiences.
I suspect that it troubles your husband that you are sad and he wants to lessen your sadness and feels helpless.
Everyone grieves differently and for different periods of time. See a grief counselor. You have been grieving for an extended period of time. Talking to someone other than your husband or other family might be to your benefit.
You need some counseling. Primarily you as you have the issue, but a few joint visits with the husband could help
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